Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Ron Paul And The Goblet Of Character Assassinations

"How about getting rid of the Department of Education and Department of Agriculture. Just go down the list. Get rid of it. Cut the budget in half. Everything that's not constitutional. That's a good place to start." ~ MSNBC interview, 2009

"Boy, it sure burns me to have a national holiday for that pro-communist philanderer, Martin Luther King. I voted against this outrage time and time again as a Congressmen [sic]. What an infamy that Ronald Reagan approved it! We can thank him for our annual Hate Whitey Day." ~ newsletter, date unknown

"Whether [the 1993 World Trade Center bombing] was a setup by the Israeli Mossad, as a Jewish friend of mine suspects, or was truly a retaliation by the Islamic fundamentalists, matters little." -1993 newsletter

"[AIDS sufferers] enjoy the attention and pity that comes with being sick."

"[It is the] destruction of civilization." –on the end of apartheid in South Africa

"When the New Money is imposed, every American family must have a Survival Kit of highly liquid, small-denomination silver and gold coins for hand-to-hand use. The Ron Paul Survival Kit — now an industry standard — comes in an official World War II US Army ammo holder." -ad for 'The Original Famous Ron Paul Survival Kit,' undated

Yes, those are actual quotes by Ron Paul, who is, of this moment, still in the Republican race to get the nomination for President. And you wonder why I call him the Crazy Old Man. I had actually considered writing all sorts of fake quotes, dating him back to the times of the Pharoahs... but I think his nuttiness speaks for itself, don't you?

Well, Super Tuesday has arrived in the United States, and yes, I agree, calling it that is stupid. There are several primaries to be called out on a single day, so for this blog and the next one I'll be playing around with the aftermath of recent primaries and the fallout of Super Tuesday. No doubt it'll spill over into yet another election blog, but that one, at least, can wait a few days....

Since I last did this, the primaries in Michigan, Arizona, Wyoming, and Washington state have all taken place, and Governor Mittens has managed to salvage victories in each case. Michigan of course was a surprise, given that he looked to be in trouble there. Meanwhile, Rick Santorum (aka Pope Ricky, aka He Whose Last Name Must Not Be Googled) is still in the running, as is the Crazy Old Man of the GOP, Ron Paul. Newt Gingrich (aka Fig Newtons, aka The Newtron Bomb) has gone missing in action since Florida, losing more and more support. Rumors that he's vanished into the Bermuda Triangle remain unconfirmed at this time, but it wouldn't surprise me.

I've taken to thinking of these four as the Four Stooges. As to which one is Larry, Curly, Moe, and Shemp, I'll leave to you. I'd normally lean towards the Marx Brothers (not a Stooges fan, what can I say?), but the Marx Brothers were far more competent then this pack of nominees.

A thought that recently crossed my mind... if you were to take these four and put them in a maze with four lab rats, leaving it to the two sides to find their way out, the lab rats would be out of the maze in no time flat while the Four Stooges would still be where they started, running around in circles bumping into each other.

Pope Ricky has been busy the last little while confirming everything we've already suspected: He'd like to bring society back to the dark ages, he thinks of women as little more then baby making machines, he celebrates ignorance and superstition over reason and fact, and his idea of Christian faith is smug arrogance, delusions of grandeur, and being judgmental. This guy makes Pat Robertson look like an atheist.

If he manages to split the vote and keep the process going on and on all the way to the convention (this wouldn't surprise me), then Pope Ricky and his skewed, twisted, and mean spirited (though not according to him) version of faith will no doubt provide lots of fodder for editorial cartoonists for weeks to come. Meanwhile, the rank and file of the GOP are hoping the worst case scenario doesn't happen and Pope Ricky wins the nomination....

Pope Ricky has some strange ideas about faith (well, let's be honest, pretty much every opinion he has about faith rates as strange). If this jackass winds up somehow winning the nomination and then the presidency, every single president before him will be rolling over in their graves with shame....

Of course, it's not like that's going to happen, right?

As I've mentioned, the Newtron Bomb dropped out of sight after losing Florida. This reflects itself in the lack of editorial cartoons devoted to him. He knows his day is done, and he knows this is the last opportunity to run for anything he'll ever have. Bye, Fig Newtons. You won't be missed.

Meanwhile, Governor Mittens does have some momentum now in his endless quest to be crowned the Republican nominee. He managed to secure the nomination in his home state of Michigan, something that would have been difficult had he lost, and for awhile it wasn't certain. After all, his remarks some years ago about letting Detroit auto companies go bankrupt came back to haunt him....

Governor Mittens spent a good deal of time shoring up support in Michigan, meeting and greeting and telling stories about his dad and his roots in Michigan. One of those stories, incidentally, is an out right delusion, and it's one that hasn't gotten too much press....

It seems Governor Mittens went on and on about attending the golden jubilee of the city of Detroit as a child. He talked about being three or four and seeing that era. There's just one problem with that. Yes, his father was there. But that event took place nine months before Governor Mittens was born.


And so Governor Mittens keeps up the quest to secure the nomination, despite the fact that the party really doesn't like him. Can he finally win the nomination, or will the vote get split on Super Tuesday? Safe money has it that the latter will happen.

Now then, this blog was titled for the Crazy Old Man of the Republican party, after all. Ron Paul has been largely ignored by the editorial cartoonists (this is what happens when you're not the flavour of the day), but there are some of them still out there...

And so Super Tuesday is under way in America, and by the end of it all, one man will be crowned the inevitable failed candidate against the President in November. Or not. This whole process has been dragging out for months now, with GOP candidates slaughtering and damaging each other at every chance. Who's to say they won't drag it out even more?

While all of this is going on, of course, the President remains busy, sorting out the economy and gearing up for the election in November. In fact, the campaign came up with an idea for a modest donation that gives the donor a (slight) chance to meet with the President. This could, however, backfire, since it could lead to someone named Jethro winning said chance. And as we all know, nothing good has ever come from someone named Jethro.

The President also been busy singing again. This time he did a bit of impromptu singing at a White House jam session with BB King and Buddy Guy. This shows that he has impeccable taste, since the blues coolness of King and Guy more then compensates for the fact that Mick "Leatherface" Jagger was also on the stage. Incidentally, the President's got a pretty good voice.

And when he hasn't been doing his job or taking notes for how to finish the job on the surviving Republican candidate, the President has been spending his time annoying the Catholic Church. Strictly speaking... the Vatican has it coming.


  1. Mark Harmon is going to have me kneecapped.

  2. How about we name them the Four Horsemen before the Apocolyps.

  3. The Four Horsemen BEFORE the Apocalypse? That fits!

    William, if any of these jokers manage to get elected, the first thing they'll do is launch an attack on Canada, just to get even with you!

  4. You ruffled a lot of feathers today;)! I'm counting down to election day when we can put all of this behind us!

  5. Are you freakin' kidding me? My, they just keep getting better, don't they?


    Great blog!

  6. Truth is always even stranger than fiction!

  7. I think this is where I do something like tiptoe through the tulips. :)

  8. Thanks for perpetually entertaining me!

  9. William, great blog! As always you bring us the sad truth wrapped in humor. We need a miracle to save us from this farce. Take care!

  10. Thanks for keeping me updated. I'm thinking of giving up on CNN and just reading your blog for my news. Even you can't make it any crazier than it already is. Did you see the Sarah Palin interview tonight at the polls? OMG. I'd really hoped we'd heard the last from her.

  11. There was a comment on one of the newscasts here last night that the moderate Republican has fled the party, and all that's left are the really, really conservative voters and the out of their mind nutcases. The party has lost control of the primary process and the whole procedure has become irrational, to say the least.

  12. LOL! Thanks for the much-needed laughs as I'm sick from what's happening here. Last night, Sarah Palin said 'five" men were running for president. Oy! This woman keeps popping up like a gopher! (Bet McCain gnashes his teeth when he sees her.)

  13. Five men? Maybe she thinks Todd is running too.

    Maybe her big surprise for the Convention is throwing Todd's name into the running.

  14. I do smile at your posts, your humour makes me giggle. I also learn more about your politics too!

  15. I can't believe people are supporting a racist like Ron Paul. He must be getting his campaign donations from the KKK.

  16. LOL! Omg, Im an uncultured barbarian. I had no idea what it is!


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