Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Friday, February 3, 2012

The Most Pointless Game In The World

Once again, it's upon us. Super Bowl weekend is here, and yet again, it will utterly dominate the airwaves. Those of you who recall last year may remember I did a blog expressing my own views on the game. And from this title, those of you who are newcomers can reasonably assume I'm talking about football as being the pointless game. I know, golf and tennis certainly qualify as pointless too, but football even more so. And by the end of the blog, I suspect that there may be a few die-hard fans looking for my head on a plate. As it stands, you'll have to get in line behind the Twi-hards, the Bieberites, and two New Yorkers who want me whacked for daring to express my disregard for the knuckledraggers who populate Jersey Shore.

Well, football's been in the news quite a bit as of late. And by football, I mean the American version, not the actual game we here call soccer (complete aside: soccer's also a pointless sport, and I can't understand why it inspires fans to bludgeon each other). Bit of a rant here, so consider yourselves warned. Don't worry, my usual dash of humor will show itself after. I promise. And if I'm lying, may lightning strike my idiot ex-brother-in-law.

The scandals in recent months coming out of Penn State have shed light on just how much of a stranglehold athletics have over academics in the American college system. Colleges make fortunes, hundreds of thousands of people come out to a game and treat it almost with religious reverence and awe, coaches are treated like gods, athletes who fail to advance to the big leagues are sent out into the world without a proper education to fall back on, and a sick predator has the run of whoever he wishes to molest for years on end. The disgusting allegations against one of Penn State's former coaching staff members have yet to play out in the courts, but the recent death of head coach Joe Paterno has happened, and his legacy is forever tarnished by the fact that he never went to the proper authorities with the allegations. Instead the incidents continued on, unchecked. I really don't care about how much he did as a coach... letting a child molester keep going on and on is unforgiveable. And yet with his death, the fans treated him once again as the deity, glossing over his failings.

Mini-rant over.  Football on the professional level has also been in the news as of late, mostly because of one player. Tim Tebow has made a spectacle of himself all season, winning improbable games (until his luck ran out), going down on one knee and praying. It's become known as Tebowing. He's quite open about his faith, thanking God and Jesus for his wins, going on and on about how good a person he is...

And I for one roll my eyes when I see this in a news report. Speaking as an outsider, he's coming across as someone who's doing this sort of thing not out of faith, but as if to pander to this religious right sensibility and proclaim look how pious and virtuous I am! You know, the Pharisees did a lot of that, come to think of it, as I remember. A general note, not just to Tebow, but to all of these football players who seem to evoke God when they win. I doubt God cares less about taking sides in something as trivial as a football game. He or She (more likely She) has better things to do.

Anyway, the game is coming up this weekend, of course. The game is an afterthought. It's the glitz, the halftime shows, the big commercials that catch so much of the attention. Entertainment personalities come to be seen and get interviewed by those tedious little entertainment reporters. People spend tens of thousands of dollars paying a scalper for bad tickets. And the pre-game show takes forever. All for a game that inevitably bores the audience into a stupor.Well, the sheer amount of food they'll eat at home will tend to make them pretty sleepy too.

And so I thought I'd run some numbers by you for this weekend's festivities.

Estimated length of program, from start of pre-game to final sign off: 76 hours, 48 minutes.

Chances that Kelly Clarkson will screw up the National Anthem: 87.5%

Chances of Kim Kardashian scoping out her next fiance from the two contending teams for her next seventy day marriage completely geared towards her reality show financial interests: 89%

Chances of the winning quarterback saying "Praise be to the dreaded death goddess Kali for letting me smite my enemies on the field of battle! Thank you so much! I will sacrifice a thousand Boy Scouts in your honor!": 0.00005% (though it would be a nice poke in the eye to Tebow, wouldn't it?)

Percentage of inebriated fans in stands by kick off: 78%

Percentage of inebriated fans in stands by final minute: 98%

Chances of a naked streaker running across the field during game play: 50%

Chances of Puff Daddy showing up begging someone to pay attention to him: 91%

Amount of time it will take person who doesn't care about football to forget who played: 2 minutes

Amount of time it will take drunken fan to forget the whole game: 14 minutes

Estimated time for crews to clean up post-tailgate party debris in parking lot: 7 weeks

Length of Madonna's halftime show: 25 minutes

Number of times fans call her Lady Gaga's Mom: 45 267

Number of times Madonna looks cranky during halftime show: 87

Number of dancers half her age Madonna gyrates with on stage during halftime show: 14

Chances of a wardrobe malfunction by Madonna or her dancers during halftime show: 100%

Chances that Madonna will make out with Kim Kardashian and Snooki during halftime show: 58%

Yes, Madonna's doing the half time show this year. She's been over in England the last few years, adopting a faux English persona, trying to get people to pay attention to her, alienating everyone, dating guys half her age, pretending she's still relevent, and just coming across as the diva time and again. And these days she's making sure the lighting crews only use soft light for stage shows. After all, the ravages of time and fast living are really catching up with her. Little Miss I'm The Center Of The Universe isn't aging particularly well.

Well, to those of you who wish to subject yourselves to the game, don't say you weren't warned. I certainly won't be watching. Fortunately I have some good mates who don't watch it either. We're all going cross-country skiing that evening. Get out among the stars in the woods and the hills, get some air under our wings, so to speak.

Just as long as I don't have another close call with a deer, but that's a different story altogether....


  1. I have enough problems with our version of football (soccer) without getting caught up in the US version. DH spends hours cursing at the TV. I often wonder why some in his team make such a big thing of genuflecting and praying before they play. It is a ball game, end of! :D

  2. I watch only watch it for the advertisements. At 3 mill for 30 seconds it has to be good!

  3. For someone who finds the sport pointless, you sure know an awful lot about it. Considering all of the sports you've named as pointless, perhaps you shouldn't keep a list and simply say that all sports are pointless?

  4. Happily, it'll be past my bedtime by the time the game starts. I shall dream of the frog who would do a better half time show than Madonna.

  5. I confess...I do watch. But just for the commercials. And this year, they have the trailer for The Avengers.

    Thanks for all the pot-shots at Madonna. That makes my day. Someone should deflate that overblown ego! Ditto for the Kardashians. Wasn't their fifteen minutes of fame up last year?

  6. Yes, I will be watching the game. I'm hoping they'll find a way for both teams to lose. Fingers crossed.

  7. I'm afraid I have to disagree. The most utterly, completely pointless game in the world is cricket. I don't want to diss your football's pointlessness but it's positively engaging compared to the triviality of cricket - especially when England plays it.

  8. True story: somebody asked me if I liked football. I asked him if that was the game with the funny shaped ball. Hence, I loved this post.

    Enjoy the skiing!

  9. Funny post...or sad I am not sure.

    Football is ok, I don't watch it but I love Baseball.
    As for Tebow I'm not sure what to think. On one side I don't like overt showing off of anything political, religious or what ever. God should not be called in to thank or "help" winning, look at all the wars we have had in Gods name.... but I would rather look at a young man saying a prayer of thanks than any other football, basketball thug Insert what ever player on any given day of whatever team they are interchangeable, with a gun, on drugs beating his wife, other team fans or being excess jackass.
    Just look what happened in Egypt mass stupid.
    The hype is all pretty silly... but I like the commercials.

    Enjoy your day skiing.

    cheers, parsnip

  10. It used to be that the only good thing about the Super(fluous) Bowl was the commercials but this year they've unveiled the commercials early and I've already seen them so there is absolutely no reason to even think of turning on the game.

    My daughter and I are actually going out to eat at one of the many restaurants that has a super bowl special and no TV! That's the only kind of score I will be interested in on Sunday.

  11. William,

    Great post! Funny pics! I usually don't watch because I don't get too much into sports as a spectator. I prefer to play sports rather than watch it. Occasionally I'll watch basketball (and I have to anyway because my kids are now playing) and I enjoy watching tennis occasionally. Just can't really get into the football thing that much. Your statistics were amazing; one usually doesn't ponder all the affects of Super Bowl Sunday and all the inebriated fans. Thanks for giving us something else to wonder about. And by the way, yes, the commericals for Super Bowl are usually so cool! Years ago the Mac computer was introduced during the Super Bowl, and that is a really cool commercial! Who ever is watching, hope they enjoy it!

  12. LOL! TFF! I'm not a fan either. I usually watch the first and last 30 minutes of it so I can converse with my male hair clients.

  13. HEY!!!!! There's nothing pointless about golf!!!! LOL

    I won't be watching it, and especially if Madonna is going to be the half-time show....yeah, I don't need to see that. Thanks for the warning.

  14. As it is, the commercials from the States get blocked out by federal regulations in Canada for Canadian ads, so we're left to search youtube the next day for the good ones anyway.

  15. Loved it! I'm not a football fan either. The only time I watch the Super Bowl is if the Packers or Vikings are playing and since the Viking never make it that means I don't watch very often. I only have one complaint. Why did you have to show TWO pictures of Madonna sitting there with her legs spread apart. Gag!Disgusting!

  16. I think I'd be more keen on american football if the players wore tiny shorts like those in rugby...

    Ahem. Take care

  17. I couldn't agree more. I HATE most sports. Especially football. Skiing sounds fun. Can you believe I've never been! Well we finally got more snow so tomorrow will be a pancake breakfast followed by snowball fights and hot cocoa!

  18. What -- they're doing that again this year?

  19. And of course the Super Bowl is the only entity aside from the Catholic church still using Roman numerals...

  20. I love a good rant :) Have you seen Australian football? I haven't yet but it sounds so complicated and ridiculous that I think it needs to be seen to be believed.

    Great cat pictures again!

  21. I've heard of it, Helen, but never saw it. I do believe they do it without the body padding, and it's closer to rugby....


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