An Endless Bloated Game Of Pointless Drivel

 

Super Bowl Weekend Unleashed; Game Promises To Go On And On And On

Santa Clara (AP) It is the most watched football game in the American calendar. It promises big drama and memorable plays and rarely, if ever delivers. It features over the top commercials and a halftime show that really has nothing to do with the game, and which gets dissected in every form of social media and broadcast for days afterwards. This year, the Super Bowl comes to Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, California, home of the San Francisco 49ers, who have to watch from the sidelines.

The Seattle Seahawks are playing the New England Patriots this year. But this isn't the same Patriots that was once fronted by Bill Belichick and Tom Brady that dominated the Super Bowl for a number of years. While cynics suggest that the NFL wants the refs to ensure a Patriots win, others are hoping for a Seattle win. This reporter has been sent by his editor to cover the event, even though this reporter finds football to be exceedingly boring (editor: I get it, but the readers love it when you gripe).

And so this reporter has been in Santa Clara over the last few days ahead of the game, where events have been taking place in the run up for the game. This year, NBC is the primary broadcaster, promising an action packed game, though this reporter believes it will be anything but. Musicians will be present for the pre-game, as well as the halftime show, which this year promises to be politically charged. The choice of rapper/ singer Bad Bunny has infuriated the MAGA crowd (editor: good), and an alternate halftime show headlined by aging drunkard/ creep/ jackass Kid Rock will be broadcast, backed by Turning Point USA, the former organization fronted by the late professional jackass Charlie Kirk, and now fronted by his grifting widow Erika Kirk (editor: shots across the bow).

Bill Belichick, the former Patriots coach who's doing university level coaching these days as opposed to, oh... retiring, has been lurking around in recent days, fuming about being snubbed from the Hall of Fame. "It's just a matter of time," he predicted. "It hurts, though. I've done so much for this sport and this is the way I get treated. By the way, anyone got a coaching job for me? I'm getting tired of slumming it down in North Carolina. Wait, did I say that out loud?"

NBC is worried about the ratings. "Seattle isn't exactly a top ten market for us," NBC Sports Vice President Daryl Watts admitted this week. "We'd prefer Philadelphia and Kansas City, because that brings in the ratings. We'd really like New York to be in it, but that's not realistic."

Upon hearing that remark, the president of the Giants fan club declared war on NBC.

This reporter has spent too many Super Bowls attending the game and the run up (editor: again, the readers love it when you complain). This reporter finds it tedious and pointless, as predictably the games fall into an endless mass of plays, commercials, more plays, and standing around staring. And then more commercials. This reporter would suggest that the game would be more interesting if the two quarterbacks just came to mid-field at end of game and started fighting, and whoever's still standing five minutes later, their team wins (editor: you might have something there).

This reporter has also in previous years run afoul of the late O.J. Simpson during the week of festivities. The former pro player who later became infamous after the murders of his ex wife and a friend of hers, a crime he was found not guilty of but civilly liable for later on, and who spent some time in jail on other matters, was known after his release for coming to these events, losing his temper, and demanding retribution. Simpson died in recent years, and it is on good authority that the man is currently burning in Hell where he belongs.

"Oh, yes, he's an unpleasant fellow," the Devil confirmed in a call from Hell. "O.J. broke in spirit about five minutes after he first got here, and we had him crying like a baby. Confessed to everything, including a few things no one knew about. These days we have him on the rack for the next ten thousand years, and he's complaining about how no one has ever been treated as badly as him, and how he wants to have another chance to come back to earth and play the game again. It's weird, but no one seems to like that the only sport we allow in Hell is cricket."

Other teams- the Chiefs, the Steelers, the Bills, the Eagles, and the Broncos- are looking on from the sidelines, wondering where it went wrong this season, and why they didn't advance to the finals. In regards to the Chiefs, some in the social media world are wondering what this means for the Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Express To Marriage, which will be the inevitable name of the Hollywood adaptation as a romantic comedy (editor: starring Emma Stone and Channing Tatum).

Time will tell. Some experts say the days of NFL dynasties are done, and that one or two Super Bowl wins may be followed by years of floundering in the standings. Others say that a dark horse contender could come out of nowhere next year and surprise everyone. "Dallas Cowboys in 2028," a nameless crazy person standing on a street corner six blocks from the stadium predicted to this reporter earlier this week. 

However things unfold, it will be a long game, with hours of pre-game festivities being aired long before the game even starts. And endless interruptions during the game. Because that's the Super Bowl tradition- putting on a game that lasts twice as long as a regular season game.

And in the end, no one will remember in ten years who won what. Because the game has become that unmemorable (editor: preaching to the choir).

In the opinion of this reporter, what we need to see is something that will mess with the heads of every NFL fan watching the game. A power outage, with the stadium reduced to emergency lights, the broadcast cut off, and the League deciding to throw in the towel after nine hours of waiting and debating. 

That's the sort of wild card action one needs to kill the Super Bowl (editor: you, um... aren't planning on doing something I'm going to have to send an attorney for you, are you?).

Alas, that won't happen. And so this reporter will be confined to attend a game others would pay dearly to attend, and be bored out of his mind. And it will take a week to decompress from this stupidity. All while one team wins, and the other one loses.

Unless everyone slips on the turf for no reason and simultaneously breaks their legs.

An Annual Overblown Sports Extravaganza

Super Bowl About To Be Unleashed; NFL Fans Elated While Normal People Shrug

New Orleans (AP). It is the annual winter blowout game of the NFL. Along with endless commercials, a bloated halftime show that will leave people scratching their heads and wondering what that was all about. Couch coaches will be debating endlessly the merits of the game. Skeptics will be wondering how fixed the game really is. And those of us who don't really care about football in the first place will be wondering what the fuss is all about.

People have been gathering in New Orleans over the last few days, where Sunday's big game will be played at the Superdome and broadcast this year through Fox. This reporter has been assigned to cover the event by his editor, even though this reporter is not a sports fan (editor: the readers love your disdain for this whole thing, sorry. We'll make it up to you by not sending you to the Oscars). This reporter, heartened by that promise, has been spending time taking in the pre-game festivities and wondering what it is about this silly game that captivates so many Americans (editor: it's a mystery). 

The Philadelphia Eagles will be playing the Kansas City Chiefs, the two-time defending Super Bowl champion team. Much has been said about the prospects, with very little fan support for either team outside their respective markets, and some fans saying that a meteor strike would be preferable. Speculation has run rampant that the NFL has fixed the game. "Nonsense," NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated to reporters on Friday. "I mean, we love the Chiefs, but we also love the Pennsylvania Eaglets."

When reminded that the actual team name is the Philadelphia Eagles, Goodell shrugged. "I said what now?"

Much has also been made of the ongoing story of the Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce relationship. The singer and the Chiefs player have been a couple for over a year, creating headlines all the way. These days fans are speculating as to if an engagement ring is in the offing, or if this will all end in a revenge album when they break up. She's appeared regularly at his games, and many gossip and gush about the topic (editor: I have two teenage daughters. They're big fans. Of Taylor, that is). Speculation has ensued that a proposal might happen after the game, if the Chiefs win.

"We're busy focusing on the game," Quarterback Patrick Mahomes told reporters this week. "I mean, yeah, there's going to be a lot of distractions this year, but I just want to remind everyone that there actually is a game going on in the middle of all this glitz and glamour."

It might be hard to tell. If it's not Chiefs fans on the one hand, it's debates about Eagles fans on the other. Late in the season, one longtime fan was banned from Eagles games after saying horrid things to a fan of another team. An Eagles player, speaking on condition of anonymity, told this reporter, "that was way over the line. Unacceptable.  And from what I've heard, that guy's life has been destroyed. Look, I know our fans have a bad reputation. I mean, they're assholes, but they're our assholes, and we love them."

Also around this week has been the former Patriots coach Bill Belichick, who instead of just retiring already is spending time coaching at the college level and looking for a way to get back to the NFL level. He has been seen wandering about, looking as haggard as ever, asking team owners if they'd be interested in making him their new head coach.

Reached for comment, the owner of Belichick's soul had this to say. "That particular soul had lost nearly all of its value," Satan said from his domain of Hell. "But time runs short, and he'll be down here soon enough, I assure you. In the meantime, since it is Super Bowl time, I thought you might like to know about a former player who took up permanent residence in these parts. He's very unhappy these days, what with all the torture and the agony. But I'm sure you'll agree that if anyone deserves it,  it's O.J."

The halftime show promises to be as bloated and pointless as ever. Rapper Kendrick Lamar is headlining the event. "It's gonna be big, so ****ing big," he told reporters. "We got guest appearances, deafening speakers, pyrotechnics, a three hour set to do, and no ****in' Drake. **** that ****er."

"You said three hours?" This reporter asked.

It's going to be a long night. Filled with overblown hype and endless tedium. This reporter has already prepared the Tylenol supply for the cluster headache sure to come (editor: yeah, sorry about all that, but think of it this way. At least your former editor is still locked in that lunatic asylum after the multiple death threats.)

That isn't a comfort. In closing, maybe we'll get lucky and both teams come down with food poisoning.

Requiem For A Super Bowl Weekend

 

Super Bowl Sunday Looms; Certain Segment Of Society Claims The Game Has Been Ruined Forever

Las Vegas (AP) The week leading up to the Super Bowl is carrying on in this gambling city of the American West. Fans are pouring in and taking in some of the pre-game hype. Reporters from all over the world are present. Betting sites are taking action on literally every aspect of the game. Scalpers are working to unload tickets at steep rates and avoid being seen by the police. And the usual Vegas crowd are oblivious to it all, feeding more and more money into the slot machines.

This year the San Francisco 49ers are meeting the Kansas City Chiefs in the first Super Bowl held in this city. The two teams have proven to be controversial, as the MAGA segment of the population hates San Francisco, a liberal city, and so would be inclined to root for their opponent.

But their opponent is Kansas City, and in recent months, the team has been in the news for another reason- one of their team members, Travis Kelce, has been in a relationship with Taylor Swift, the megastar singer whose legions of fans call themselves Swifties. And she herself is seen as liberal- so the MAGA crowd have been screaming murder and claiming that she's ruining the game (editor: what a bunch of crybabies).

This reporter has been dispatched to cover the game, despite the fact that he's not a sports reporter. Perhaps it's because his editor appreciates the general snarkiness of his writing for such events. It's very different from this reporter's previous editor, who's still locked away in a mental hospital after multiple violent threats (editor: that guy was out of his mind).

Swift, who has a habit of writing breakup albums after previous relationships went south, may or may not even be attending. She's in Japan doing a concert the day before, and a flight back would take eighteen hours. Nonetheless, the relationship has MAGA faithful foaming at the mouth, what with the habit of broadcasters regularly cutting to check her out at games. 

"It ain't right!" Jeb "Bubba" Guthrie of Tennessee told this reporter this week at one of the pre-game events. "It's our sport! Not dem libs! Why the **** does anyone let somethin' like this happen, anyway?"

This reporter asked if Mr. Guthrie thought there might be a conspiracy.

"Damn right! No matter who wins, we lose! Damn Marxist libs want us to vax our kids so they can put mind chips in 'em! Just like they're hidin' the truth about the flat earth and the ice wall! Well no sir, not me! I ain't woke!"

Nor educated, this reporter thought, seeing little point in trying to reason with him. It's been a long season, with some teams thought to be sure fire in the Super Bowl falling by the wayside. And the end result being the two competing teams in a combination that infuriates many GOP voters.

Terry Bradshaw isn't broadcasting this year, but never passed on an opportunity to come to these things, was more circumspect.

"It's been a weird year, sure," Bradshaw told reporters. "But an exciting one. Sure, some people out there might be feeling sore and all, but you know what? That's life. Your guys don't always win, because what would be the point?"

It's also been the year of the final downfall of a coach who was once a big name in the game- Bill Belichick. The former Patriots coach, who cheated his way to multiple Super Bowl championships, was fired early in the year after over two decades in New England. Belichick has been seen this week roaming about, looking for new coaching opportunities.

No one has been biting as of yet. Rumour has it that Belichick even reached out beyond American borders to the Canadian Football League and offered his services to the Ottawa RedBlacks, who have been having a few bad years. A staff member, speaking on condition of anonymity, told this reporter by phone, "look, yes, we've been struggling a lot, but we're trying to turn it around. Besides, we're not that desperate." (editor: ooo! Burn!)

It has been said that Belichick sold his soul to the Devil to gain his victories. The Devil has previously confirmed this, and spoke with this reporter this week by phone from the Seventh Circle of Hell. "At this point, his soul is effectively worthless. I'm putting some serious thought into maybe revoking his ability to die, and condemning him to be an eternal wanderer, walking the face of the earth, trying and failing to get a football job. I think that's the sort of thing he deserves."

Country singer Reba McIntyre will do the national anthem to open up the event. The halftime show is said to be headlined by Usher (along with whoever else for a pointless lip synch extravaganza that will leave fans wondering what that was). In between and after halftime will be a game, interspersed with commercials that companies are paying a mint for (editor: pretty dumb commercials too).

Another figure present, though not wanted by anyone, is disgraced former player and ex-convict O.J. Simpson, who's been spending years since his release from prison coming to these events anyway, and making a scene. This reporter is well acquainted with the man.

Simpson was standing at one of the pre-game events, talking to anyone who would listen. Most people saw him and made a point of making a wide berth around him. "It's like this," Simpson said. "The ****in' NFL won't let the Juice back in. No sir! They won't let me participate, won't let me coach, won't let me play. They tell me I'm bad news. **** that! People ****in' love the Juice. Except for Nicole and whatever that waiter guy's name was. Well, **** 'em. They're dead anyway."

Simpson paused, looking out at the group watching him. That included this reporter (editor: uh oh). "Hey! It's you! You're that mother****er who keeps tellin' people I was threatenin' to ****in' kill your ass! You take that back, mother****er, or I will kill you!"

Simpson strode forward, his face enraged.... and tripped. There was a loud crack as he hit the floor, and he started screaming. "My hip! I broke my ****in' other hip!!!!" (editor: he got exactly what he deserves)

This reporter walked away as paramedics came in, hearing Simpson scream curses in between screaming in pain. The city waits for the spectacle. Here and there one sees MAGA protestors holding up signs saying that the NFL must revoke both teams playing in favour of "our boys", or threatening to hold their breath if either San Francisco or Kansas City wins.

And this reporter is front and center for it all (editor: sorry, I'll send Dennehy next year). Even though this reporter doesn't even like football. Oh well. The entertainment value in watching whatever passes for brain matter melting in MAGA heads should make up for it. 

Because no matter who wins, those overgrown babies lose.

An Overblown Pointless Spectacle

 The Super Bowl is coming up this weekend. I of course will not be watching it, because I find football tedious to begin with, and particularly so when it seems to stretch out for what feels like days. Nonetheless, it's been my tradition for some years to write my own take on the occasion, from the perspective of an unnamed reporter who keeps getting sent on odd assignments- but at least is spared from the wrath of his former editor.

Philadelphia Eagles To Face Kansas City Chiefs In Bloated, Pointless Game

Glendale, Arizona (AP). Once again, it's that time of year. No, not taxes. That would probably take less time and be more interesting. The Super Bowl is being played this week in this southwestern city, part of the greater Phoenix area. After a tumultuous season in the NFL, two teams are left in contention: the Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City Chiefs.

For whatever reason, the event is huge, an annual tradition of ratings numbers, big home parties,  high concept advertising, spectacle, and a halftime show that really has nothing to do with anything and tends to get ridiculed after the fact. Oh, and there's also a football game.

This reporter, however, is not a football fan. This reporter would rather have teeth pulled. However, this reporter has people who enjoy his writing, particularly in unpleasant situations, and so this reporter's editor has sent him on assignment to cover the Super Bowl, and to be as snarky as he wishes. This is a good thing, this reporter supposes, and it's a week in Phoenix, a long way from the proverbial icebox back home (editor: so cold... so cold... we're in a Donner Party situation here.) This reporter is also free from his previous editor, who at last word was still confined to St. Bedlam's Home For The Hopelessly Insane.

As mentioned, there's a lot of spectacle, not to mention speculation. Who will win? To be brutally honest- who cares? It's only a game, and a pretty pointless one at that. And what sort of shock value and wardrobe malfunctions will happen in the halftime show? Speaking of which, if this reporter was in charge of the Super Bowl, this reporter would insist on having Lewis Black do the halftime show, if only to have millions of people at home ask why that man is swearing so much.

But this reporter is not in charge. And so instead we get a halftime show featuring Rihanna, who's avoided the NFL for several years, not to mention live performing. Inevitably something will happen that people will be talking about. Perhaps it'll be lip synching. Or wardrobe malfunctions. Or outrageously dumb costumes by back up dancers. Which makes one ask the question- why do these acts need back up dancers (editor: I have no idea.) She's to be the headliner- which means she'll bring along other acts for absolutely no reason. And spend lots of time frowning at everyone.

Meanwhile, there's actual football being played (editor: unfortunately). The Philadelphia Eagles and Kansas City Chiefs are playing for the championship. Perhaps in an ideal world, they'd all come out onto the field and simultaneously break their legs, meaning they couldn't play and thus fry the brains of hundreds of millions of viewers upon realizing this would mean there can't be a Super Bowl (editor: great idea, but we don't live in an ideal world.) Much is being made of the drama of Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes and his ankle injury possibly affecting his performance.

"Look, all he has to do is get through the game," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, one of the most hated men alive, said to reporters. "That's it. If he's going to end up crippled for life after that, well, I don't give a **** anyway."

"You realize all of us just recorded your contempt for the health of one of your players, right?" this reporter noted.

Goodell looked confused. "I said what now?"

He was quickly ushered away by aides. A statement from his staff apologized and said that the commissioner had mixed his medication with expired cough syrup and vodka, and he didn't mean that.

Another part of the drama around the game is the retired (again) Tom Brady, who stepped aside (again) after his Tampa Bay Buccaneers faltered. Brady has said he'll be joining the Fox broadcasting team, but not for the Super Bowl. By this time next week he might be coming out of retirement (again) to play for the Rams (editor: apparently he hasn't heard of quitting while he's ahead).

Brady is around in Glendale at the moment, talking to anyone who'll listen. "I don't know what to do with myself. I mean, I'm divorced... probably because I kept playing football after saying I'd retire the first time. And I'm not old enough to coach yet. Football is all I have to live for, you know what I mean? Anyway, that's beside the point. Maybe Kansas City will let me sign a one day contract so I can play in one more Super Bowl. Hey, there's an idea..."

Another unwelcome presence around the pre-game festivities is a one time star of the game way back in the day who became infamous. O.J. Simpson, who got off for the murder of his ex-wife and Ron Goldman, but got tossed in jail for the Las Vegas robbery debacle involving sports memorabilia, has been out of prison since 2017 and apparently a fully free man, citing good behaviour. This reporter would dispute that, because Simpson has repeatedly threatened to kill him during previous interactions. 

Simpson was talking to a handful of people at one of the events this week, touting himself as usual. "The thing is, the NFL should just let me back in. I mean sure, they let me keep my pension, which is the only reason I'm not begging on the streets. I mean, those damned lawsuits from those mother****ers took the rest of my money. But the Juice is the best of all time, baby. The best of all ****in' time! Show some respect for the best of all time."

At this point Simpson saw this reporter. Last year Simpson had threatened this reporter in front of witnesses again, and had promptly broken his hip before he could do anything. "You! You're back here?" Simpson yelled, pointing. "You're the mother****ing ***hole who keeps tellin' people I threatened to kill you!"

"Which you have, in front of multiple witnesses," this reporter replied. 

"Shut the **** up!!!" Simpson screamed. "Shut the **** up and stop tellin' people I threatened to kill  you, mother****er, or I'm gonna ****in' kill you!!!!"

At this point, Simpson started to charge forward through the crowd, but tripped and fell. There was the sound of something snapping, and Simpson screaming. "Oh, ****!!!!! My other hip!!!!!!"

Simpson was removed by ambulance from the scene to be treated for a broken hip. He was also accompanied by police who were going to have him charged for death threats (editor: good).

Another figure present at the moment, even though his team didn't make the playoffs again, is New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick. Belichick was grumpy when talking to reporters. "What people should be talking about is the supremacy of my team. We're the ones who have been in multiple Super Bowls in the last few years. All because I sold my soul for Super Bowl wins. And yes, we've faltered a bit, but we'll be back. And when we do... I'm going to get even with every single person on my revenge list. Just you wait and see."

Alas, the Super Bowl will be happening, unless that ideal situation happens and each team member breaks their legs at the same time. But that won't happen. And so it is that this reporter will be stuck in Arizona for the next few days, watching a game that he doesn't even like, because his readers enjoy his general snarkiness (editor: think of it this way: you're not the one stuck in -30 before the windchill right now).

Well, when you put it that way... good point.

Bengals, Rams, And Yawning

It's Super Bowl weekend. I for one will be avoiding the whole thing since I find football boring to begin with, but especially so when it gets thrown in with hundreds of commercial breaks, an overblown halftime show, and a broadcast time that feels like five hundred hours. That said, it's time to have a look at the overblown nonsense through the eyes of our intrepid reporter. Whose opinions I completely agree with.

Super Bowl Weekend Descends On Los Angeles; Unlikely Teams Playing, Many Surprised

Los Angeles (AP). It comes each and every year: an overblown frenzy of feasts, gatherings of family and friends, a timespan that never seems to end, and a broadcast. Yes, it's the Super Bowl, a pointless culmination of a pointless sport that fascinates Americans each year. 

The NFL, home to future concussion sufferers and early dementia onset patients, celebrates the end of each season with a ratings busting game that goes on for hours, gets interrupted every minute and a half for more commercials, and features a halftime show that has nothing to do with much of anything at all (editor: and sometimes features wardrobe malfunctions).

This year the event is being held in Inglewood, California, at SoFi Stadium, home of the LA Rams, one of the two teams who inexplicably made it to the championship this year. The Rams have won the Super Bowl before, back in their previous home city of St. Louis. They're playing the Cincinnati Bengals, who have never won. 

This reporter, frankly, does not care (editor: nor does this editor). That said, however, this reporter's readers seem to enjoy this reporter's snarkiness about things he does not like, and so this reporter has been sent off to cover the event along with the regular sports reporters. This reporter would like to add that he is glad his previous editor is no longer employed by the paper and is in the lunatic asylum where he belongs (editor: that guy was nuts).

It's been an odd season. The favoured teams lost in the playoffs: Chiefs, Steelers, and Buccaneers. The Rams managed to squeeze their way into the final more or less by luck. The Bengals, who haven't won a playoff game since 1990, had more than their share of luck. Giants of the game- Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger- retired on a down note after losing the final games of their careers. To which this reporter says, good (editor: I agree). There's nothing quite like overstaying your welcome.

And so we come to the end of a bloated season and the last game. Already NBC is busy broadcasting the pre-game show. Tailgate parties have started up. The greater LA area is even more obnoxious than usual (editor: I was once in LA. Worst eighteen hours of my life).

Fans of the Buccaneers, Chiefs, Steelers, and 49ers remain dumbfounded that these two teams could have advanced past their beloved teams. "This is a ****ing travesty," Jim Hagerty, a professed Chiefs fan told this reporter this week. "There are a few certainties in life. One of 'em is that the ******* Bengals don't win playoff games. They beat our boys! They beat us! They must have been cheating! Well, they're not going to get away with it! A bunch of us are gonna rush the fiel.... um, forget I said anything."

(Editor: that sounds ominous.)

To make things even more confusing, the Rams, while playing in their home stadium, are being designated as the visiting team. It's one of those archaic rules about the home team for a Super Bowl alternating yearly between conferences. Does this mean that all of the Rams logos get hidden behind a quick coat of paint? 

Much is being made at the moment about the unlikely teams and its possible effects on ratings. Others say that it may not matter: that most people tune into the game for the glitz, the commercials, and the possibility of a wardrobe malfunction.

Roger Goodell, NFL Commissioner and future Bond villain, had this to say. "It's a feel-good story. We've got two underdog teams who were never supposed to go this far, but they have. A lot of people are going to root for them. And from my point of view, finally getting rid of that mother****er Brady was long overdue. Wait, did I say that out loud?"

This reporter, frankly, doesn't care one way or another about Tom Brady (editor: neither does this editor).

The halftime show this year features another overblown spectacle of multiple entertainers. Snoop Dogg (assuming he hasn't gotten too high and forgotten what he's supposed to do that evening) will be joining Eminem, Mary J. Blige, and Kendrick Lamar for an over the top light show of rap, hip hop, and general tediousness. At home, millions of grandparents will be wondering who those people are, and why don't they have Perry Como do this. Well, first of all, Grandpa, because he's dead, and putting a dead guy on a stage might have some entertainment value, but generally is frowned upon (editor: mind you, they've been doing that for years with Jack Nicholson at the Oscars).

Snoop Dogg met with reporters at the stadium, smoking some premium bubba kush, looking perpetually dazed. "You know, it's gonna be big, know what I'm sayin?'. It's gonna be the biggest show of the year. People will be talkin' 'bout it for years to come. Every Stupor Bowl halftime show before this won't come near what this one will be."

"Super Bowl," this reporter prompted.

"That's what I said," Snoop Dogg replied.

"No, you said Stupor Bowl."

Snoop Dogg shrugged. "Well, that's because I'm high as a kite. No problem. It's not as if it'll affect the show. It'll make it all the more mellow, know what I'm sayin'?"

"Is your use of recreational substances going to make you late for the halftime show?" this reporter asked.

Snoop Dogg laughed. "Of course not. The producers have guys with me who'll make sure I get there on time. These guys are with me twenty four seven until the big game on Monday. Though I'm sure at this point they're high from second hand smoke."

"The game is on Sunday," this reporter corrected him.

"It is? Oh, ****, I've got this thing on Sunday," Snoop Dogg lamented.

(editor: this has catastrophe written all over it.)

Elsewhere, other figures of the game have been lurking around the big show. New England Patriots and reputed Dark Lord of the Sith Bill Belichick hasn't had a good year. Not since he lost the aforementioned Tom Brady to the Buccaneers. Losing to the seemingly lowly Buffalo Bills early in the playoffs, his team got slaughtered in what's been the worst post season loss of the Belichick regime. Nevertheless, the coach has been seen around LA, skulking about, griping to anyone who'll listen to him.

"It's not fair!" he told a scattered group of reporters. "I had a deal! All I had to offer up was my soul, and I'd get Super Bowl wins forever! It was glorious. Patriots doing whatever we could to win. Even breaking the rules and cheating. Wait, wait, wait. Forget that last part. The point is we were supposed to own the Super Bowl forever! And now I can't even beat the damned Bills in the post season! Where did it all go wrong?"

"Perhaps with the whole selling your soul thing?" this reporter suggested.

"Who told you that?" Belichick snapped.

"You did. Thirty seconds ago."

"I did not!" Belichick said, storming off away from the reporters.

Elsewhere, the owner of Belichick's soul had his own remarks on the matter. "He kept trying to remortgage his own soul," Satan remarked, smelling of fire and brimstone and toting his pitchfork. "You know what happens when you remortgage your house too many times? You never climb out of that kind of debt. Same thing with your soul. At this point, his soul is only worth a buck fifty to me, but ten trillion dollars to him. It's a little thing called consequences, which I always point out to people who come to me with this sort of request is in the fine print, but nobody ever reads the fine print."

Another face of the past has been making his rounds, and an unpleasant face at that. O.J. Simpson, one time star player, occasional mediocre actor, frequent commercial pitch man, and suspect in the overblown so called 'trial of the century', as if the reporters of the time had never heard of the Nuremberg Trials, has been around. The paroled convicted criminal (unfortunately not convicted of the big crime in the so called trial of the century) has been shilling his own name for coaching a team, any team, in the NFL. 

"But they're all ****in' against the Juice," Simpson told a number of reporters. This reporter kept to the back, having had a number of negative previous interactions with the washed up ex-convict over the years (editor: for which we're very sorry). "The Juice, you know... I'm the best ****in' player in the ****in' history of the ****in' NFL! The best of all ****in' time. But the ****in' NFL talks about reputation and crimes and all that bull****. Well, I call that bull****, because it ****in' is."

Simpson shook his head. "I'd be great coachin'. I'd be real motivational! I'd remind those guys on the field what I do to people who ****in' disappoint me. That's motivation, mother****er! Do you really want me comin' after you with a ****in' knife or what?"

Reporters looked around at each other and shared much the same thought: how dumb is this guy?

"Perhaps you should reconsider your phrasing," one of the other reporters suggested.

"Don't ****in' tell me what to do!" Simpson snapped. He paused a moment, looking at the crowd, and his gaze fell upon this reporter. "You. It's you." His tone went low. Officers looking on at a distance paid more attention. "You're that ****in' mother****er who keeps tellin' people that I threatened to kill your ****in' ass! Well that's bull****, mother****er, because I never said I'd ****in' kill you!"

"You have several times," this reporter replied. "It's been recorded."

"Oh, **** that!" Simpson screamed. "And **** you for claimin' I threatened you! I'll ****in' kill you for sayin' I wanted to ****in' kill you!" At this point he moved forward off the stage as if to charge through the crowd... and then fell out of sight. There was a momentary sound of a crack. And then the sound of Simpson screaming. "My hip! My hip! My ****in' hip!"

Soon thereafter Simpson was taken to the hospital, later diagnosed with a shattered hip. Police accompanying him charged him with uttering death threats. Simpson was reported to have sworn revenge.

As for this reporter? The game, unfortunately, awaits. This reporter might well skip out on it, or sleep through it. Such is life (editor: yes, sorry, but the readers love this. And besides, you got O.J. Simpson to break his hip this time).