Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Friday, February 11, 2011

The Wretchedly Horrible Death Of A Lab Assistant

Know It All Blowhard Dooms Best Friend To Grisly Death

Fox News consultant, writer, and self described genius Keith Jarrett, author of the books I Know Everything, So Bask In My Eternal Wisdom and the ill fated Duck And Cover, The Buddhists Are Coming To Kill Us All, summoned reporters to a press conference today at a facility outside New York.

"Thank you for coming," Jarrett told the reporters, accompanied by a rather dim-looking man he introduced as his good friend Billy Bob. "I'm announcing a major breakthrough in medical research, one that will surely win me the Nobel for medicine. And when I publish my findings, the resulting paper will be surely so compelling that it'll win me the Pulitzer for literature too."

The assembly of reporters, who were more interested in the ongoing world crisis surrounding the Muppet supervillain Mr. Johnson, seemed impatient. "What's on your mind, Mr. Jarrett?" a Reuters reporter inquired.

"I'll get to that. And it's Doctor Jarrett. I did graduate from the Jarrett University with a PhD, after all. Ladies and gentlemen, recently I borrowed a sample of pathogen from a highly secure medical research facility..."

"By borrowed, do you mean stole?" another reporter asked.

"Semantics! Which, incidentally, I go into great detail on in chapter 5678 in my tome I Know Everything, So Bask In My Eternal Wisdom. Now, pay attention." At this point, he removed a medical syringe from a case. "Billy Bob here is patient zero for my experiment. I will cure Billy Bob through a rigorous treatment of herbal teas, homeopathic remedies, and singing Kumbayah around a campfire. No need for pharmaceutical companies to get involved when you've got the soon to be patented Jarrett treatment." The reporters eyed Jarrett nervously; the well-known blowhard seemed oblivious.

Billy Bob, for his part, appeared confused as Jarrett prepped his arm with a swab of alcohol-dabbed cotton. "Hey, dude, when do I get my case of beer?"

"Soon, Billy Bob, soon. Now, then, ladies and gentlemen, if you'll watch carefully, I'm about to inject the pathogen into my good friend here..."

"What is that?" this reporter asked, as Jarrett pricked the needle into Billy Bob's upper arm. Billy Bob appeared to be used to needles.

"Nothing much. Just the Ebola virus," Jarrett replied cheerfully as he injected the contents into Billy Bob. The reporters took a big step back.

"The Ebola virus? Are you insane?" This question came from a reporter with the New York Times.

"Nothing to be worried about, just a typical disease," Jarrett assured everyone, oblivious.

"Mr. Jarrett..."

"Doctor Jarrett."

"The Ebola Virus is one of the most dangerous viruses ever known," the Reuters reporter insisted, a fact known to the rest of the reporters on the scene. " If not the most dangerous one. It's got a fatality rate of 90% at its most virulent. It eats the body from the inside out. The patient dies within days, in horrendous pain. It's about the worst way I can think of for anyone to die. There's no cure! The CDC and every other virus research lab have been looking for decades!"

Jarrett looked confused. "Are you sure?"

"I've seen the dead from outbreaks myself! Believe me, it's a horrible way to die," the Reuters correspondant answered.

Jarrett looked over at Billy Bob, who seemed even more confused. "Well, I.... that is... You're certain herbal teas won't help?"

The Reuters correspondant appeared exasperated. "What did you think the ebola virus was?"

"The one that makes you laugh."

Charges are now pending for Jarrett for breaking and entering. Billy Bob has been taken into quarantine by the CDC, and isn't expected to last long. The virus is already working its way through his body, eating the inner organs and the blood. Best estimates are he'll be dead within the week.

Jarrett, meanwhile, is busy cancelling print runs of his new book How To Cure Ebola.


  1. Ohmygod, this sounds just like you-know-who!

    And nobody would ever believe even such a colossal blowhard could be so stupid!

  2. Doesn't he realize that the ebola virus can be cured with aromatherapy? Silly Dr. Jarrett...

  3. Last week I had the ebola virus, but I got better. A diet rich in slugs and castor oil knocks it right out. Best to feed the slugs beer before eating them. They go down easier.

    That will be $30,000 for the house call.

  4. You made me smile...maybe No-No has ebola. Maybe she's been hanging out with Dr. Jarret.

  5. Good writing, loved it! Why, by the way, is the ebola virus always so funny? I mean not to Billy Bob so much....

  6. William you're giving me nightmares!!!!

  7. Ask No-no if she thinks she might have it.


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