Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Susan Sarandon's Wagging Finger Of Shame Versus The Vampire Bunnies

So you've decided against your better judgement to watch the Oscars. Well, these things happen, don't they? Now you're settling in, watching the big show. And soon enough, it'll happen. You're going to be looking at your watch, and thinking, why is this taking so long?

It's an awards show. It's supposed to take a long time. Weren't you paying attention in my last blog?

All right, calm down. I know, you're in a tough spot here. You've got that ceremony in front of you, and maybe your significant other wanted to watch it, so you don't have a choice. I'll give you that.

So what can you do?

You can always slip out of the room, perhaps for a drink, and simply not come back. Go off and do whatever you like. Odds are, you won't be missed. Your significant other will be so engrossed in the ceremony that they won't notice your four hour absense from the room. Good. You're golden.

On the other hand, you might be missed. In which case, you're screwed. You'll have to come back into that room, subject yourself to watching the interminable awards show. Yes, I know. It's painful. Short of faking a heart attack (probably only to be used as a last resort), you'll have to put up with it. That brings us to today. I'll be making some presumptions of what to expect at this year's Oscars, and ways that the Oscars can be improved to make the ceremony less tedious.

Without watching the ceremonies, I can make some casual predictions of things that will take place.

At least two starlets will be wearing the exact same gown from the exact same designer, which for some reason is some big faux pas.

Nic Cage and John Travolta's hairpieces will be even more ridiculous then usual.

At least on seven different occasions, a winner will shed tears upon accepting their Oscar.

Joan and Melissa Rivers will be camped out somewhere, trying to pretend they're still hosting a red carpet special.

The evil ones (Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, and the rest) will be gushing over stars to no end, pretending like they're close buddies, basking in the glow of fame, and thinking they're famous too.

When the dead of the last year scroll across the screen, inevitably there'll be someone important missing, a fact screamed about across the web the next day.

At some point, the camera will pan on Jack Nicholson, who will be sitting in a daze, wearing sunglasses.

Susan Sarandon will wag her Finger of Shame (patented in 1994 by Susan Sarandon Enterprises) at the Republicans.

Someone will make a political speech. Kanye West will bitterly come on stage and say that George Bush doesn't care about Vampire Bunnies.

At some point during the night, Anne Hathaway will make a joke to James Franco, something like this one. You know, James, I kind of feel trapped by a boulder right now, just like you in that movie, and why did we agree to host this again?

Kanye West will storm the stage when Colin Firth wins the Oscar for Best Picture, and launch into a diatribe. Yo, Colin Firth, Imma real happy for you, but Eddie Murphy totally deserved this....

The Oscars will go very long over the expected time.

So, those are the reasonable assumptions about what the Oscars have in store. What if you're one of those poor sods condemned to watch it? What about you? I offer you, and the Academy, some ways to make the show more entertaining. Lord knows it needs it.

Halle Berry and Adrien Brody are positioned on stage, ready to make out with every single winner.

Jack Black and Roseanne Barr streak naked behind the Lifetime Achievement winner.

Cut out the performance pieces. You'll be saving an hour, and the sanity of the audience. Who cares about the choreographer who's been working for months on a ballet performance by vampire bunnies? I mean, aside from the choreographer, who for some reason does care?

I know, Academy, you've tried to coax winners who go on and on off the stage by having the orchestra start up. That doesn't always work. Some type A stars think that doesn't apply to them. So, have a firing squad on stage, rifles at the ready, with the understanding that they may open fire if anyone chatters for more then a minute.

Have Brad Pitt present an award. And have him say the following words: I know there's a lot of people out in the tabloid field who seem to think that there's still some hope for a former relationship I had that ended years ago. But really, I haven't spoken to that clingy, desperate idiot for years, and I'm quite content with my life now. So why don't you find something else to report about?

Oh, and it's essential  that the camera show Jennifer Aniston's reaction. It'll be priceless.

Let's make the winning and losing interesting. Take a page from the Mayans. Their winners were champions. The losers were put to death.

Speaking of death... come on, let's face it. Jack's been getting on, hasn't he? They prop him up in the first row every year, and for some reason every host has to give the man a nod. As if he's the Godfather or something. I would suggest to you this: Jack Nicholson's been dead for years. He only appears animated because his body is under the control of a voodoo doctor. Well, Academy, it's time to bring it out into the open. Halfway through, take that voodoo doctor out of the auditorium. Then wait five minutes until Jack's corpse keels over onto the carpet and January Jones starts screaming in horror.

Now that would be a classic Oscar moment.


  1. I'm waiting to see James Franco get trapped under that giant Oscar on the stage...Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie get into a catfight at the Vanity Fair party and trigger a massive food fight...Joan Rivers get caught feeding off a rare male virgin...and Jack Nicholson reveal he was bitten by a vampire bunny years ago and has been under their spell ever since.

    And maybe, just maybe, Lars Ulrich will show up in search of Mr. Johnson and get trapped in a room full of entertainment reporters....

  2. Excellent blog, William. Norma, I love your comments. You know, it would be one year I'd be sorry to miss the Oscars.

  3. Oh with all this Oscar talk, I feel another fashion faux pas blog coming on...I won't be watching however...I'll wait for the pictures that will be seen AFTER the show!!!

  4. I'm just glad I'm not the only one who hates those award shows! They don't get it right more than half the time, anyway!

  5. Love the Kanye West comics!
    You could make it more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Every time someone thanks God in their speech, drink. Every time the hosts make a lame joke, drink. Every time they show Jack Nicholson, drink. You get the point. The hope is to be so drunk you pass out and hopefully sleep all the way through it.

  6. Thank God I'm spared all the hype by being on this side of the ocean. It's on in the middle of the night here (if indeed it's on at all). And best of all: NO JOAN RIVERS! Woooo!

  7. Talli, you have no Joan Rivers? I'm moving to your side of the pond! I can't believe I used to like her....

  8. I used to enjoy watching the Oscars before they turned it into a Marathon. At least it seemed shorter back in the day. Maybe I just had a longer attention span.

  9. wickedly funny. I don't have a TV so won't be watching the Oscars. Though I've sat through them in the past. It is a tedious affair.

  10. LOL! Right on. You nailed it. But ya know what, I'm up camped out for the full 4 hours every year. I love it. And seriously, what IS up with Jack?? Why all the endless props??
    I'll be there tomorrow... but I'll have my laptop charged and ready and be blogging/tweeting during commercials and the boring parts nobody ever cares about.
    Watch them with us on Twitter. #WatchOscars

  11. "Jack Black and Roseanne Barr streak naked behind the Lifetime Achievement winner."

    Now I'm gonna puke. Thanks.

  12. Now if the vampire bunnie are real, I'll watch. If not, I'll go to bed like I usually do.

  13. @Norma: Lars in a room full of entertainment journalists? That would be his idea of hell.

    @Talli: Consider yourself lucky they're on in the dead of night over there!

    @Mike: You're welcome.

    @PK: Nicholson won a bet with the President of the Academy thirty years ago. The host must bow down and kiss his feet (figuratively speaking) at least once every Oscars.

  14. And of course the Razzies were handed out last night. The Sex And The City cast got the Worst Actress, Worst Actor went to that jackass Kutcher (who does he have blackmail material on to force them to keep giving him movies?), and Worst Picture went to The Last Airbender....

  15. You forget the part where Kirk Douglas proves just how perverted, slow, and confused older men can was the best part last night! But thank god for Tivo!

  16. you have outdone yourself - the oscar goes to William Kendall!

  17. Laughing so hard I almost fell out of my chair. So true, so true. Great post!


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