Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Thursday, February 24, 2011

E Is For Eternal Torment

A note to new followers: you might want to click on Sesame Street down below. I've been at this a long while, and it's something of an ongoing story....

The seventh circle of Hell, a ghastly, desolate domain of the damned, one level up from the eighth circle of Hell, residence of lawyers and accountants. The deceased mutant Mammomax, formerly of the Brotherhood of Mutants, walks on his own through the corridors. He hears a sound behind him, and turns. Standing there, on the floor, is a small red muppet. It's Elmo, and the little red menace is staring up at him.

Elmo: Are you related to Mr. Snuffy?
Mammomax: Wait. Who's Mr. Snuffy?
Elmo: He's the wooly elephant who killed Elmo.
Mammomax: Sorry, I don't have any relatives named Mr. Snuffy.
Elmo: Oh. Elmo was wondering if you might be related to Mr. Snuffy.
Mammomax: I'm a mutant who looks like an elephant. Not an elephant.
Elmo: Elmo just saw those big ears and that trunk and Elmo just assumed.
Mammomax: Look, kid, don't just assume anything, and... who are you?
Elmo: Elmo has already told you who Elmo is. Elmo is Elmo.
Mammomax: Oh, terrific. You speak in the third person?
Elmo: Of course Elmo does that. Why doesn't everyone?
Mammomax: *sighing* I really am in Hell.
Elmo: Elmo doesn't know why Elmo is here.
Mammomax: Kid, my name is Mammomax.
Elmo: What kind of name is Mammomax?
Mammomax: It's the name I chose to use.
Elmo: Oh. Elmo thinks you made a mistake.
*A bald man comes down the corridor.*
Lex: Hello, Max. You made a new friend?
Mammomax: Lex Luthor, that kid's Elmo.
Lex: Elmo? The little red bastard muppet?
Elmo: Why do people call Elmo that name?
Lex: You must not have Sesame Street in your dimension, Max.
Mammomax: Oh, we do, just that I've never bothered watching it.
Lex: Consider yourself blessed. This infernal twit took it over in mine.
Elmo: That's mean! You're not a nice man, Lex Luthor. And you're bald.
Lex: A fact I've been told many, many times, and I'll thank you not to say it again.
Mammomax: Kid, he's a little touchy about the whole male pattern baldness thing.
Lex: I'd heard that Elmo Prime was down here in Hell. It must mean that every Elmo in every dimension vanished forever with his demise. Oh, what a glorious day that would have been. No more of that cackling laugh, no more taking away on screen time from more established characters. I would have loved to see that day, but here I am, stuck in Hell with no way to get out. Have I mentioned that I find that really annoying?
Mammomax: Lex, I didn't know you were that big a fan of a kid's show.
Lex: A very handy thing to watch in between planning world domination.
*A man in blue tights and a red cape comes towards the trio.*
Mammomax: Well, look here, Lex, it's your old nemesis.
Lex: Another pain in the neck. Elmo.... this is Superman.
Superman: Go **** yourself, Lex.
Elmo: That's a very naughty word.
Superman: Go **** yourself, kid.
Mammomax: Shocking, you think?
Elmo: Why did Superman say that?
Mammomax: He's apparently always had a foul mouth.
Superman: Damn right. Just like Ma and Pa raised me.
Mammomax: He was the greatest hero in his dimension.
Lex: And my arch foe, the man I hated above all others...
Superman: Awww, wah wah wah, poor ****ing Lex Luthor.
Elmo: But why does a hero spend all his time using no-no words?
Superman: Like I said, kid, I was raised that way. My Ma and Pa were the biggest ****ing dope growers in the Mid-West. They cursed all the ****ing time. They also grew some really premium weed, let me tell you. Real good to smoke that ****. Then one day, I'm minding my own business, and a gigantic elephant man comes through a dimensional wall and enters my world. One of those damned clones of yours, Max. One of those damned MegaMammomaxes. And what makes that even worse? That thing has Kryptonite coursing through his bloodstream! I ****ing died because of a giant elephant man! That's no way for a ****ing hero to ****ing die! No way at all!
Mammomax: Listen up, my clones are not my fault.
Lex: Wish I'd thought of giant elephant man clones.
Mammomax: That was a project by Mister Sinister.
Superman: What kind of ****ing name is Sinister?
Mammomax: All I am saying is I'm not responsible!
Superman: Oh, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm dead.
Lex: And he doesn't have any powers anymore either.
Superman: Damn you, I told you to go **** yourself!
Elmo: Elmo thinks that Superman is just as nasty and mean as Luthor.
Superman: Superman thinks that Elmo can.... damn! Now I'm doing it!


  1. Oh, my...Superman's in hell, his parents grew weed, and...I have a headache!

    Great blog, William!

  2. Of all the diabolical ways to kill off the man of steel! Never saw that one coming.

  3. Really good! I wondered if you were going to do more. Too funny. Well, at least Elmo has some friends there.

  4. Beware of cute people. Beware of the stare.

  5. I try not to watch Sesame Street...I wouldn't let Jamie watch SS either...for that very reason...Elmo talks in the third person. Thank God he's in hell!!! But, I like the word, "MegaMammomaxes"...that must have created a few brain cells to come up with that one!!! LOL

  6. William takes Superman and Sesame Street to a whole new level....

  7. The stare is downright evil in that pic...

    This is kind of tied into the comic parodies I've been writing for several years. A MegaMammomax comes in handy more then you know... of course, how a hundred foot tall elephant man can hide himself is something of a mystery....


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