Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Doomsday Is Coming! Doomsday Is Coming! Or... Well, Maybe Not.

That's going to hurt....

Well, we're two years and counting from what some would suggest to be the end of the world. Doomsayers will have you believe that the Mayan calendar has the world coming to an end in December of 2012. Not so doomsayers will point out that the Mayan calendar only comes to one end before starting another. And hack filmmakers will  make the most of it.

The prophecy zealots will have you believing that oceans will rise, cities will fall, mountains will tumble into each other, dogs and cats will be living together in sin, and Washington DC will be obliterated from the face of the earth. Scratch that last one. It's Secret Protocol #33 from the Tea Party's To Do List. Oh, and lest we forget, John Cusack will be driving away from calamity at top speed, wondering whatever happened to the days when he played interesting, professionally fulfilling roles.

Remember all that fuss over Y2K? The computer glitch that might cast us all back to the Stone Age? Well, at least until that particular fuss completely fizzled out. I thought of all those survivalists who were proclaiming the end of the world, heading off into their customized bomb shelters to wait out the apocalypse. Wouldn't it have been perfectly ironic if their shoddy construction (can't trust a government certified construction company to do the job you can do yourself!) had failed, causing their deaths? In those last seconds, the survivalists would have thought this is it! The end of the world! And they would have been crushed to death, never knowing that no, in fact, the world hadn't come to an end.

I would suppose all of this doomsday talk is at least understandable. After all, we've got a complete idiot thinking she can run for President... in 2012. Doomsday zealots would surely tell you that's a sign of the apocalypse, right? At least a sign of doom for rational thinking.

I think some of the blame must go to Nostradamus and the nutbars who buy into anything he says. Have you actually read anything by this man? It's all so vague and metaphorical that you can interpret it any way you see fit. In fact, I would suggest that all of his visions might well have been inspired by his marijuana habit. Come on, people! A weed addiction would at least explain it! I submit to you that we have to dig up whatever's left of Nostradamus, cremate it, and mix it in with the weed his current day believers are smoking. It's only fitting.

Which brings us back to the Mayans. Why should we take their word for the end date of the world? These people couldn't even predict their own demise! I remain dubious of their prediction skills if they didn't see the Spanish coming.

Allow me to suggest this scenario. It's 1488. No, in the common calendar, not the Mayan calendar. In the grand plaza of Chichen Itza, the Mayan people are going about their business on just another typical day. And walking about on the plaza grounds, wearing a sack cloth and looking perfectly crazy, is a Mayan carrying a sign. Repent! The Spaniards Are Coming!

His fellow Mayans will look at him the same way you and I look at any such contemporary nutcase carrying a sign down Madison Avenue reading Repent! Mel Gibson Is Coming!

"That crazy old Biff. Always going on about one thing or another. By the way, what's a Spaniard?"


  1. Wait a minute while I try to stop laughing.

    The History Channel is always running programs on the predictions of Nostradumbass. Why didn't HE see Sarah Palin coming?

  2. Love the cartoons! I think Palin is mentioned in one of the Quattrains of Nostradamus. The one where a food processor and a snowmobile go into a bar...

  3. The Palin cartoon freaks me out. If that happens, the end of the world is clearly nigh.

  4. Yes! Finally!!! I'm not the only one on the planet who understands how the Mayan calendar works. NOTHING to worry about, folks!

  5. Love the last comic, Perfect !
    You just know that had to happen.

    cheers, parsnip

  6. LOL! I love it! I think a lot of the old beliefs were from peeps smoking the peace pipe ... or whatever ... like plate tectonics, dude ... yeah it's like the world was one land mass and it had, like, this really crazy name like .... Pangea. Yeah, man ... pass the pipe.

    Nah, that's prolly true but the whole 2012 thing ... totally bogus. I agree. Why the heck were the Mayans so friggin' in tune to what would happen with the earth??? It does make for good fiction tho. But I ain't worried ...wasn't worried about Y2K and not worried about 2012. And yes, Nostradomus was a total stoner.
    But I am worried about the whole Palin thing. That truly could mean the end of the world ... which coincidentally would be started in 2012. God help us.

  7. I'm holding out for 2025. Heard there are some awesome prophecies about that year least that what the guy at the Cabelas gun counter said.

  8. I remember my workplace had a total freakout about the Y2K thing...and I know there were some people who were so totally bummed out that nothing happened. I thought they were all crazy to believe that the end of the world was going to happen then, and I don't believe that the world will self-destruct in 2 years...

    Well, at least we won't have to buy any Christmas gifts for anyone we don't like...LOL

  9. I find it too funny! My grandmother on the other hand would say "we'll see if he's laughing in a few weeks". Ha!! Love the blog and can't wait to follow! Regular dose of humor...nice.

  10. Hope you're right about the Mayans...Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
    .Ouch. Help.

  11. Sir Isaac Newton claims that the end of days is 2060 according to his interpretation of biblical math. All the Mayans said about the winter solstice of 2012 is that it is the end of the 5th age of Earth and the 6th age begins. So much of their writings have been destroyed, no one really knows what that means.

  12. ha ha i love your blog man
    Nostradamus gave me nightmares as a kid.
    This whole caribou barbie is all McCain's fault you know, he could have done his homework properly then we wont have to worry abt Madame Palin reaching for the stars especially since she does not know where the rest of the world is.

  13. You've inspired me!!!

    A childhood dream of mine was to move to a cave, forget about plucking nose hairs, ear hairs, and the other weird hairs that have appeared in odd places making me transform into my father, and just make predictions all day long.

    Robstradamus? Kinda has a ring to it.

    Something will happen somewhere that will particularly annoy some people, while really inconvenience other people. I see a benefit concert for some natural disaster and if the groundhog sees his shadow 6 more weeks of winter. And of course you can lead a horse to water.

    Thanks for the laugh

    I'm actually quite good at this future seeing business

  14. Sir Isaac was occasionally known for the weed habit too...

    *gets smacked by the ten thousand strong membership of the Isaac Newton Society...*


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