Saturday, November 6, 2010
A Day In The Life Of The President Of Iran
Ah! So finally this Kendall introduces me into the world. It took you long enough! Yes, you, out there beyond that Fourth Wall of yours. What, you didn't think I knew about the Fourth Wall?
My name is Aref Harandi, and just in case you were wondering, I'm the President of Iran. Yes, second in command to our beloved Supreme Leader. You infidels of the West know him as the Ayatollah.
This author has characterized me as ruthless, ambitious, a pain in the ass to the rest of the world. He could have paid me no greater compliment. That's part of the package when you become President of the great republic of Iran. We're meant to annoy every other country on the planet. We're like Jersey Shore, only we've got nukes. Oh, forget I said anything about nukes. We're not ready to launch yet, so nobody's supposed to know.
Now that I've been introduced into this world, let's set some ground rules for who and what I am. My intelligence briefings suggest this author intends to make use of Iran in future books. Turning my country into the villain seems convenient for you rabid curs of the West, doesn't it? At least I'll get a chance to glare menacingly and practice my evil laugh. The briefings are rather vague on this Very Bad Thing he alludes to. I'll just have to have a few people intimidated into spilling their guts. By intimidated, I mean tortured. By spilling their guts, I mean spilling their guts.
So, he intends to turn me into a villain, does he? I suppose in his mindset, I might be considered a villain. Just because I'm something of a despot. Well, right hand man to the chief despot. At least until I figure out a way to have the Supreme Leader killed in a way that looks like suicide, impose martial law, and have myself installed as Beloved Tyrant For Life, anyway.
Did I just say that out loud? Forget I said anything. Instead, while you're forgetting my top secret plan, I'll just write up my to-do list for the week.
-spend three hours at UN General Assembly ranting about the hated enemies, Israel and America, then ask for position on Human Rights Tribunal
-repress millions of citizens
-prevent food deliveries reaching destinations
-plot against the Great Satan
-plot against the Lesser Satan
-plot next year's invasion of Iraq and Arabian peninsula
-have a rum and coke
-appear on Tonight Show
-hire assassins for Top Secret Plan
-get a haircut
-practice maniacal laugh
Are you people still here? Did you forget my Top Secret Plan or not? Because if you haven't, I'm going to be very disappointed in you.
As to you, Mr. Kendall. You had better write me with the dignity that I deserve. Otherwise I shall have to launch nuclear weapons through that Fourth Wall at... wait. One of my aides is speaking to me. Just a moment. What? Wait, you... What do you mean, the nukes can't pierce the Fourth Wall?