Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

All My Emmy Nominations

Transcripts From The Interrogation Of Susan Lucci, By Detective L. Mullen, New York Police Department, Ocotber 3rd, 1998

Mullen: Ms. Lucci, I'm Detective Mullen. Do you know why you're here?

Lucci: I haven't the faintest idea, Detective. I was home with my husband, reading my script for tomorrow, and all of a sudden, you showed up at my door. I thought I was being pranked by one of my co stars. Now who was it? You can tell me. Or was it one of the writers?

Mullen: Ms. Lucci, it's been alleged that you're threatening and blackmailing members of the Daytime Emmys to vote for you as Lead Actress in a drama next year.

Lucci:  That's absurd. Just because I keep getting nominated and never winning does not mean I'd take it personally like that. Although I'll freely admit that it is rather hard on an actor, you know. I mean, I can shed as many tears as any of my colleagues on other shows. I can push the drama! Why can't I be honoured with Emmys? It's hard on the ego.

Mullen: I'm sure it is.

Lucci: Call me Susan.

Mullen: Ms. Lucci...

Lucci: What's your name?

Mullen: Larry, if you must kno.. now wait!

Lucci: Larry Mullen? Obviously you're not the drummer with U2.

Mullen: No, and I'll thank you not to ask if we're related either. Now, if we could get back to the matter at hand?

Lucci: Of course. Now, as I was saying, it's absurd. I would never stoop to threatening or blackmailing anyone when I can just charm them to no end.

Mullen: It's being alleged that you're holding a kitten hostage until its owners vote for you.

Lucci: Again, Detective, that's absurd. First of all, kittens do not have owners, they have staff. Second, the cat would be the one holding someone hostage.

Mullen: Do you deny these allegations?

Lucci: Of course I do! I would never stoop to that level. David might.

Mullen: David?

Lucci: Canary. David Canary.

Mullen: A guy actually goes around with the name Canary? Are you kidding?

Lucci: He plays one of my ex husbands on the show. Really nasty type of guy.

Mullen: Oh, does he play a villain?

Lucci: Yes, but that's what he's really like.

Mullen: What did I do to deserve this case? Did I run over the Mayor's poodle? Ms. Lucci, stop trying to dodge the issue. We have multiple complaints of you making veiled threats and demands of Emmy committee voters. Now let's get this out in the open, once and for all.

Lucci: Detective, I assure you, I don't have the time to blackmail or threaten anyone. I'm the centerpiece of an ongoing serial drama. I have enough drama in my working life as it is. I've got a whole lot of ex-husbands, ex-lovers, ex-family, and a daughter who was retconned into the show. I've got another daughter who I'm sure will no doubt be SORASed anytime soon...

Mullen: SORASed?

Lucci: Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome. Kids go off to boarding school and come back three months later fully grown and ready for adult drama. It's the same sort of mentality that allows a single day on the show to take weeks of real time. Why, you can have Hallowe'en last three weeks on the show, and the next day, it's Thanksgiving. Oh, and I could go on and on about the show being set in Pennsylvania and somehow having ocean front access.

Mullen: Ms. Lucci....

Lucci: Don't forget the tried and true soap opera conventions. Villains never get the punishment they deserve, people keep coming back from the dead, and couples find out that they're in fact half siblings. That might have happened to my character at one time or another, but the guy writing this isn't willing to go too extensively into my character's background. He'd find it much too confusing.

Mullen: The guy writing this?

Lucci: That guy, out there, beyond the Fourth Wall.

Mullen: I... I, um, I see. Are you mentally ill?

Lucci: No, but I've had moments in character where I've gone that way. Don't you watch television? Anyway, I'm sure my second daughter won't cause me anywhere near the amount of drama the first one did. Or, I mean, my character's daughters. Sooner or later they'll make a gra... a gra... a gra.. a, well, they'll have children of their own, making a gra.. gran.. well, you know what I mean. It's very difficult to say that word.  Like I said, I've got all this drama in my working life, so why would I want more?

*Interruption from a knock at the door.*

Mullen: Excuse me.

*Mullen steps out of the room. After a moment, Mullen returns.*

Mullen: You're free to go.

Lucci: I am? Oh, how nice.

Mullen: It turns out the prosecutor is a fan of your show.

Lucci: How lovely!

Mullen: Ms. Lucci?

Lucci: Yes, Detective?

Mullen: A piece of advice?

Lucci: Of course, what is it?

Mullen: In the future, hypothetically speaking, try bribing the voters rather then blackmail.

Lucci: Hypothetically speaking, that's a very good idea.

Mullen: And figure out a way to discreetly return the cat.


  1. Karla hasn't seen this yet? Then I'm guessing you're still among the living.

    William, you do enjoy living dangerously, don't you?

  2. Yes, I do.

    Why do cats keep turning up in my blogs?

  3. Because you worship cats, perhaps?

  4. You take one little trip to the pet store and the world goes to hell. Just look at her! How could Susan Lucci possibly kidnap a kitten? She has people to kidnap for her. No point in spoiling the manicure.


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