Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, November 29, 2010

E Is For Escape

Muppet Supervillain Escapes Custody

A United States Marshals Service plane went down across the border in Canada yesterday, in the Alberta foothills, while transporting prisoners to supermax custody in Montana. Marshals in Washington confirmed that the plane went down due to poor weather, and while somewhat damaged, the crash was not catastrophic. Though almost all of the prisoners were quickly retained in custody by the marshals on board, one escaped, and is now at large.

The RCMP have been brought in and taken charge. While the prisoners are being prepared for their return across the border, the Mounties are occupied with the matter of the escaped convict. Mr. Johnson, aka Fat Blue, the convicted muppet murderer, has managed to elude capture, and is now somewhere in the wild forests of the Rocky Mountain foothills.

"We consider this muppet extremely dangerous," RCMP Constable Lavigne told a gathering of reporters at a nearby detachment. "Johnson had Elmo murdered, and set up Grover to take the fall. He demonstrates a psychopathic hatred of Grover, a malicious nature, and a vindictive streak. We urge all members of the public not to approach him, but to call police at the first sighting."

Pictures of the balding, mustached blue muppet were passed around, including one with tattoos recently added to the muppet's hands. "He's added Die Grover Die to both of his hands. He really has a hate-on for Grover," Lavigne explained. "Henceforth, Grover has been taken into protective custody, along with his girlfriend. We've also called in a man with experience on the case. Inspector Lars Ulrich is heading up the search for Johnson."

Ulrich himself appeared before the reporters, glaring at all of them. "Are one of you nitwits going to ask me about Metallica?" he asked with contempt in his voice. His dislike for reporters is well known among members of the Fourth Estate.

"No sir," came a reply from the CBC correspondant. "There's no one here from an entertainment news outlet. Yet."

"Good," Ulrich said more pleasantly. "I mean, really, how stupid are those guys anyway? I'm not that Lars Ulrich. Look, this muppet's the most dangerous muppet I've ever come across. We will hunt him down to the ends of the earth. Or at least until he makes it across the border."

"Do you feel you owe that to Elmo?" a reporter with the Victoria Times Colonist asked.

"Hell, no," Ulrich said. "That little red menace with that demonic cackling? Have you heard that cackling? I have, and it's like something from the seventh circle of hell."

The search is now underway. Somewhere out there, a crazed killer muppet is on the run. Winter is coming. And he's got the Mounties hunting for him. Bets are now being taken on how long it'll be before he's caught.


  1. Great blog, William!!!

    I'm with Ulrich--it's so much quieter in the world today without hearing that annoying pesty little Elmo's voice and his "finger nails down a chalk board" giggle.

  2. oh no poor Elmo! my 2y/o will be devastated. I'm with Beth tho' Elmo's voice *shudders*

  3. I thought Grover's girlfriend...uh, Karla...would have responded by now. Or maybe she can't, being in protective custody and all....

    Are they being kept together?

    William, when are you going to give these Muppets some peace? *laughing uncontrollably*

  4. Peace? The only muppet getting trouble these days is a certain supervillain muppet who's all cold and alone in the Alberta foothills, planning revenge...

  5. Was Elmo cremated just to make sure he's dead?

  6. Good point. We can't have Elmo rise from the dead, can we?

  7. Speaking from an undisclosed location. Gotta keep it short. They put us up in a double! I specifically asked the guys at the Holiday Inn for a king!! Sheesh. The folks in Atlanta can't get anything right!

  8. Well, they do it on all the soaps all the know, the one character who dies and ALWAYS comes back to life...

    Maybe Elmo could be a zombie...zombie's seem to be all the rage right now...However, could we make sure that if he does resurrect, that he has no speaking parts...?

  9. Absolutely brilliant!!!

    Thank you for the laugh!!!!

  10. I'm sure whatever you're drinking isn't made with Canadian water!
    Time to call Kermit!


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