A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time once more to look at the point of view of the dog and the cat. Since the dog has such a short attention span, he always gets the first word in on these things before he gets distracted by squirrels.

7:01 AM. Waking up at home. Boy, the days are getting shorter and shorter, aren't they? Not quite dawn yet.

7:05 AM. A look outside. I may be mistaken, but it looks like we've had frost in the night. Well, sooner or later we're going to get winter, which means playing in snow drifts.

But first things first. Jumping in leaf piles.

7:22 AM. My human comes downstairs. I thump my tail against the floor in greetings. Good morning, human! Fine day, isn't it? Say, I don't mean to push, but have you thought of making my breakfast?

7:25 AM. The human is pouring me a big bowl of kibbles. 

Oh boy oh boy oh boy...

7:26 AM. Licking my chops after finishing off breakfast. Some would say you should take your time and savour each bite of your breakfast.

I am not one of those people.

7:28 AM. Inquiring with the human if she'll let me out and about for a run.

7:29 AM. Out the door and on my way. See you later, human!

7:30 AM. Have confirmed that yes, there's been frost in the night. Nice chill to start the day off with. Well, the human's got the fireplace ready at home, so I can have a nap later on. But first things first: a good run.

7:48 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head off.

7:57 AM. Stopping by to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Hey, Spike!

7:59 AM. Spike and I discuss matters of great importance. The nefarious schemes of the vet-mailman alliance. The best time to have an afternoon nap. What the squirrels are up to.

8:04 AM. Spike advises me that his people had visitors over for Thanksgiving. Including little kids. Spike! You could have come over to my place. All my human had over was her parents, and they're not the sort who run around and try to catch your tail.

8:07 AM. Spike and I talk about that whole Hallowe'en thing coming up soon. Yes, little kids coming to the door and demanding candy. At least our humans don't dress us up for it.

Yet.

8:10 AM. Spike and I go our separate ways. He says he'll bark to let me know when the mailman is stopping by.

Sooner or later, Spike... that evil monster will take a hint.

8:35 AM. Coming up to the back door, barking to let the human know I've returned. Human! It is I! Loki, Annoyer Of Mailmen and Chewer of Slippers!

8:42 AM. Circling around in the living room precisely three times before settling down on the floor.

Because twice is too few and four is too much.

10:53 AM. Woken up out of my nap by the human settling down with some morning coffee. And a couple of cookies.

I mooch one of them off of her.

12:27 PM. The human is having lunch. I have successfully convinced her to give me a ham and cheese sandwich.

1:28 PM. Barking my head off at the mailman as he stops to drop off mail.

Get lost, you monster!!!!

2:43 PM. The human is busy raking leaves. I am waiting for all of it to get piled up so I can tunnel through it.

4:22 PM. The human tells me to stop burrowing into the leaf pile and come in.

Come on, I was about to set an all time record for leaf spelunking.

4:39 PM. The human is having afternoon tea. She gives me an oatmeal cookie.

5:27 PM. The human is cooking in the kitchen. I smell stewing beef. This is good.

6:40 PM. Dinner with the human. She's given me a plate of stewing beef. For some reason she's mashed hers in with vegetables. Go figure.

8:35 PM. Lying on the couch, pondering the mysteries of existence. 

Why do cats like catnip?

11:28 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human. I'll keep watch over the house in the night.

In between naps. Because every good dog needs naps.

And I am a good dog. A very good dog.

No matter what the mailman says.

A Day In The Life Of A Leafs Fan

It has been a long time indeed since I last featured the perspective of that lowly, wretched, abominable person belonging to Leafs Nation (all of whom are lowly, wretched, and abominable). Yes, with the NHL season getting underway, it's time once again for the point of view of a Toronto Maple Leafs fan, and like all of their compatriots, he will never see reality.

10:30 AM. At home gettin' ready. 'Cause tonight's the home opener, baby! Yeah! Our Leafs are startin' out on the road to bring the Cup home! Because it belongs to us! Yeah!!!!

11:25 AM. Watchin' some of my extensive collection of Don Cherry Rock 'Em Sock 'Em videos. Don Cherry, man, he's my guide in my life. I wanna be just like him. 

The day they got rid of him... that made my blood boil. Who gives a **** if he insults ****in' foreigners? I don't!

11:55 AM. Okay, time to get dressed for the game. Sure, it's hours away, but you can never be ready soon enough. Or later enough. Or whatever I mean. **** it, it's not even noon, and I've only had three beers. 

Okay. Got my Leafs jersey. Yeah, man. This is our year.

This is our year.

Go Leafs go!

2:35 PM. Harry and Jack turn up at the door. Hey, boys! Are we ready for some hockey? Hell yeah!

3:48 PM. Me and Harry and Jack watchin' Sports Centre highlights, drinkin' some beers, talkin' about how great it's gonna be at the end of the playoffs when the boys win the Stanley Cup and bring it home to Toronto.

Because it's gonna happen, boys! It's gotta happen! This is our year!

Go Leafs go! Woooo!!!!!

5:07 PM. Okay, boys! Let's get a cab and get outta here. If we're lucky we can get some more drinkin' in before we go in for the game.

5:56 PM. Me and Jack and Harry walk into a bar not too far from the arena. Barkeep! Beer here!

6:29 PM. I try hittin' on some chick. She turns me down.

Must be a Caps fan. **** her, I'll pick up some babe after the game when our boys have won, and get some scorin' in myself.

6:45 PM. Headin' out with Harry and Jack. After all, we gotta get to our seats and watch that game.

7:08 PM. On our way into the arena. Talkin' to some security guys. Of course I been drinkin' today, ***hole, but I can handle my liquor, mother****er. 

7:25 PM. Finally got to our seats. The boys are on the ice. The national anthem's about to happen. Then it's all gonna start.

Our year, baby! 

Go Leafs go!!!!!

7:31 PM. They're droppin' the puck... here we go....

7:34 PM. Boys? Somebody tell me how Washington can be ahead four to zilch.

8:47. In a state of shock. Our boys haven't scored one goal tonight.

And the Capitals have scored twenty eight.

What the **** is happenin' here????

9:49 PM. Last ten seconds of the ****in' game. Caps just scored again. 

Thirty nine to zero. 

Boys? I'm outta here. I'm done.

**** the ****in' Toronto ****in' Maple ****in' Leafs!

10:11 PM. Me and Harry and Jack, we get into the bar and call out for beers, and keep 'em comin'. Gotta drown our sorrows.

How the **** did this happen? 

Is this what we've done with our lives? 

Keep rootin' for a team that keeps ****in' up????

10:42 PM. On our fifth beer since gettin' back in here, talkin' it over. Man, boys, I've just ****in' wasted so many ****in' years rootin' for those ****ers, and for what? They keep stompin' on my ****in' hopes and ****in' dreams every single ****in' year! And for what? For what?

**** 'em!

12:19 AM. Me and Jack and Harry have it all figured out. It's not that the Leafs screw up and lose. It's not that. And even if it were that, it's only the first ****in' game of the season, who cares?

It's that there's a conspiracy out there to make the Leafs look bad. And they're all ****in' in on it.

The refs, the NHL, the American networks.

The Leafs aren't the problem. 

It's them.

2:03 AM. Me and Harry and Jack are all goin' our separate ways now that the bar's ****in' closed for the night. We've come to terms with it all.

A true Leafs Nation guy bleeds blue. He don't never give up on the boys.

Because that's what we are.

And that's who they are.

Go Leafs go! Right, boys?

2:45 AM. Dropped off at home by a ****in' cabbie. Only threw up in the back of the ****in' cab twice. Collapsin' on my couch. Jeez, gonna have one mother****er of a hangover in the mornin'.

**** that. I can call in sick. Sleep it off.

And get ready for the next home game.

Go Leafs go!!!!!

Behold The Lottery Winner Scam

 

It never seems to end. I speak of course of the endless line of spammers and scammers infesting our inboxes with spam, scam emails. The same sort who try to pass off spam comments in posts in our blogs. They will never take a hint and take a long walk off a short pier, to use an old expression. More's the pity. Because they'll never stop trying.

The following came through to my email some weeks ago.

We ve heard that a  financial and medical support can go a long way during the pandemic.
I'm Sheryll Goedert from Florida,the winner of a $396.9 million Powerball jackpot held on January 29,2020
This Winning is a blessing so we decided to give back to the society
which means we are officially notifying you that you have been
selected as one of the Beneficiaries of 2022 VACATION LIFE LLC Social
Responsibility Cash Aid Program.
Your e-mail address was randomly chosen by the Topaz Ballot System.
You have been awarded the sum of $1,000,000.00 for charity and medical support.
Should you wish to verify, below are links to that effect.

So where to begin. Well, for starters, with the fact that the sending email has the country code es, which is for Estonia. That's a long way from Florida. That should be the first great big warning flag that this is a scam. Because that email is the first in a long chain of emails leading to some slimebag, perhaps in Russia, perhaps in Thailand, perhaps in Nigeria. Wherever they are, they're still a slimebag.

We see some of those usual tell-tales of scammers. Capitalized words where the word doesn't need capitalization. Overly formal writing, but in a way that suggests the author doesn't really understand the English language. Punctuation issues with run on sentences.

It turns out there is a Sheryll Goedert who won a lottery, but this is definitely not her. Because a look online says she's spoken out about the scam, which is all over the place, using her name for this fake scam that has surely suckered a few people in- otherwise why would it have lasted this long?

But we've seen this before, with scammers appropriating the name of real people, some of whom might have died tragically, to spin their tale. It's hardly surprising- and it's likely I may end up getting this email again. 

Nice try, numbskull. But I'm wise to your ways. Why don't you do the world a favour...

....and jump into one of these?