It has been a long time indeed since I last featured the perspective of that lowly, wretched, abominable person belonging to Leafs Nation (all of whom are lowly, wretched, and abominable). Yes, with the NHL season getting underway, it's time once again for the point of view of a Toronto Maple Leafs fan, and like all of their compatriots, he will never see reality.
10:30 AM. At home gettin' ready. 'Cause tonight's the home opener, baby! Yeah! Our Leafs are startin' out on the road to bring the Cup home! Because it belongs to us! Yeah!!!!
11:25 AM. Watchin' some of my extensive collection of Don Cherry Rock 'Em Sock 'Em videos. Don Cherry, man, he's my guide in my life. I wanna be just like him.
The day they got rid of him... that made my blood boil. Who gives a **** if he insults ****in' foreigners? I don't!
11:55 AM. Okay, time to get dressed for the game. Sure, it's hours away, but you can never be ready soon enough. Or later enough. Or whatever I mean. **** it, it's not even noon, and I've only had three beers.
Okay. Got my Leafs jersey. Yeah, man. This is our year.
This is our year.
Go Leafs go!
2:35 PM. Harry and Jack turn up at the door. Hey, boys! Are we ready for some hockey? Hell yeah!
3:48 PM. Me and Harry and Jack watchin' Sports Centre highlights, drinkin' some beers, talkin' about how great it's gonna be at the end of the playoffs when the boys win the Stanley Cup and bring it home to Toronto.
Because it's gonna happen, boys! It's gotta happen! This is our year!
Go Leafs go! Woooo!!!!!
5:07 PM. Okay, boys! Let's get a cab and get outta here. If we're lucky we can get some more drinkin' in before we go in for the game.
5:56 PM. Me and Jack and Harry walk into a bar not too far from the arena. Barkeep! Beer here!
6:29 PM. I try hittin' on some chick. She turns me down.
Must be a Caps fan. **** her, I'll pick up some babe after the game when our boys have won, and get some scorin' in myself.
6:45 PM. Headin' out with Harry and Jack. After all, we gotta get to our seats and watch that game.
7:08 PM. On our way into the arena. Talkin' to some security guys. Of course I been drinkin' today, ***hole, but I can handle my liquor, mother****er.
7:25 PM. Finally got to our seats. The boys are on the ice. The national anthem's about to happen. Then it's all gonna start.
Our year, baby!
Go Leafs go!!!!!
7:31 PM. They're droppin' the puck... here we go....
7:34 PM. Boys? Somebody tell me how Washington can be ahead four to zilch.
8:47. In a state of shock. Our boys haven't scored one goal tonight.
And the Capitals have scored twenty eight.
What the **** is happenin' here????
9:49 PM. Last ten seconds of the ****in' game. Caps just scored again.
Thirty nine to zero.
Boys? I'm outta here. I'm done.
**** the ****in' Toronto ****in' Maple ****in' Leafs!
10:11 PM. Me and Harry and Jack, we get into the bar and call out for beers, and keep 'em comin'. Gotta drown our sorrows.
How the **** did this happen?
Is this what we've done with our lives?
Keep rootin' for a team that keeps ****in' up????
10:42 PM. On our fifth beer since gettin' back in here, talkin' it over. Man, boys, I've just ****in' wasted so many ****in' years rootin' for those ****ers, and for what? They keep stompin' on my ****in' hopes and ****in' dreams every single ****in' year! And for what? For what?
12:19 AM. Me and Jack and Harry have it all figured out. It's not that the Leafs screw up and lose. It's not that. And even if it were that, it's only the first ****in' game of the season, who cares?
It's that there's a conspiracy out there to make the Leafs look bad. And they're all ****in' in on it.
The refs, the NHL, the American networks.
The Leafs aren't the problem.
2:03 AM. Me and Harry and Jack are all goin' our separate ways now that the bar's ****in' closed for the night. We've come to terms with it all.
A true Leafs Nation guy bleeds blue. He don't never give up on the boys.
Because that's what we are.
And that's who they are.
Go Leafs go! Right, boys?
2:45 AM. Dropped off at home by a ****in' cabbie. Only threw up in the back of the ****in' cab twice. Collapsin' on my couch. Jeez, gonna have one mother****er of a hangover in the mornin'.
**** that. I can call in sick. Sleep it off.
And get ready for the next home game.
Go Leafs go!!!!!