An Annual Overblown Sports Extravaganza

Super Bowl About To Be Unleashed; NFL Fans Elated While Normal People Shrug

New Orleans (AP). It is the annual winter blowout game of the NFL. Along with endless commercials, a bloated halftime show that will leave people scratching their heads and wondering what that was all about. Couch coaches will be debating endlessly the merits of the game. Skeptics will be wondering how fixed the game really is. And those of us who don't really care about football in the first place will be wondering what the fuss is all about.

People have been gathering in New Orleans over the last few days, where Sunday's big game will be played at the Superdome and broadcast this year through Fox. This reporter has been assigned to cover the event by his editor, even though this reporter is not a sports fan (editor: the readers love your disdain for this whole thing, sorry. We'll make it up to you by not sending you to the Oscars). This reporter, heartened by that promise, has been spending time taking in the pre-game festivities and wondering what it is about this silly game that captivates so many Americans (editor: it's a mystery). 

The Philadelphia Eagles will be playing the Kansas City Chiefs, the two-time defending Super Bowl champion team. Much has been said about the prospects, with very little fan support for either team outside their respective markets, and some fans saying that a meteor strike would be preferable. Speculation has run rampant that the NFL has fixed the game. "Nonsense," NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated to reporters on Friday. "I mean, we love the Chiefs, but we also love the Pennsylvania Eaglets."

When reminded that the actual team name is the Philadelphia Eagles, Goodell shrugged. "I said what now?"

Much has also been made of the ongoing story of the Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce relationship. The singer and the Chiefs player have been a couple for over a year, creating headlines all the way. These days fans are speculating as to if an engagement ring is in the offing, or if this will all end in a revenge album when they break up. She's appeared regularly at his games, and many gossip and gush about the topic (editor: I have two teenage daughters. They're big fans. Of Taylor, that is). Speculation has ensued that a proposal might happen after the game, if the Chiefs win.

"We're busy focusing on the game," Quarterback Patrick Mahomes told reporters this week. "I mean, yeah, there's going to be a lot of distractions this year, but I just want to remind everyone that there actually is a game going on in the middle of all this glitz and glamour."

It might be hard to tell. If it's not Chiefs fans on the one hand, it's debates about Eagles fans on the other. Late in the season, one longtime fan was banned from Eagles games after saying horrid things to a fan of another team. An Eagles player, speaking on condition of anonymity, told this reporter, "that was way over the line. Unacceptable.  And from what I've heard, that guy's life has been destroyed. Look, I know our fans have a bad reputation. I mean, they're assholes, but they're our assholes, and we love them."

Also around this week has been the former Patriots coach Bill Belichick, who instead of just retiring already is spending time coaching at the college level and looking for a way to get back to the NFL level. He has been seen wandering about, looking as haggard as ever, asking team owners if they'd be interested in making him their new head coach.

Reached for comment, the owner of Belichick's soul had this to say. "That particular soul had lost nearly all of its value," Satan said from his domain of Hell. "But time runs short, and he'll be down here soon enough, I assure you. In the meantime, since it is Super Bowl time, I thought you might like to know about a former player who took up permanent residence in these parts. He's very unhappy these days, what with all the torture and the agony. But I'm sure you'll agree that if anyone deserves it,  it's O.J."

The halftime show promises to be as bloated and pointless as ever. Rapper Kendrick Lamar is headlining the event. "It's gonna be big, so ****ing big," he told reporters. "We got guest appearances, deafening speakers, pyrotechnics, a three hour set to do, and no ****in' Drake. **** that ****er."

"You said three hours?" This reporter asked.

It's going to be a long night. Filled with overblown hype and endless tedium. This reporter has already prepared the Tylenol supply for the cluster headache sure to come (editor: yeah, sorry about all that, but think of it this way. At least your former editor is still locked in that lunatic asylum after the multiple death threats.)

That isn't a comfort. In closing, maybe we'll get lucky and both teams come down with food poisoning.