An Endless Bloated Game Of Pointless Drivel

 

Super Bowl Weekend Unleashed; Game Promises To Go On And On And On

Santa Clara (AP) It is the most watched football game in the American calendar. It promises big drama and memorable plays and rarely, if ever delivers. It features over the top commercials and a halftime show that really has nothing to do with the game, and which gets dissected in every form of social media and broadcast for days afterwards. This year, the Super Bowl comes to Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, California, home of the San Francisco 49ers, who have to watch from the sidelines.

The Seattle Seahawks are playing the New England Patriots this year. But this isn't the same Patriots that was once fronted by Bill Belichick and Tom Brady that dominated the Super Bowl for a number of years. While cynics suggest that the NFL wants the refs to ensure a Patriots win, others are hoping for a Seattle win. This reporter has been sent by his editor to cover the event, even though this reporter finds football to be exceedingly boring (editor: I get it, but the readers love it when you gripe).

And so this reporter has been in Santa Clara over the last few days ahead of the game, where events have been taking place in the run up for the game. This year, NBC is the primary broadcaster, promising an action packed game, though this reporter believes it will be anything but. Musicians will be present for the pre-game, as well as the halftime show, which this year promises to be politically charged. The choice of rapper/ singer Bad Bunny has infuriated the MAGA crowd (editor: good), and an alternate halftime show headlined by aging drunkard/ creep/ jackass Kid Rock will be broadcast, backed by Turning Point USA, the former organization fronted by the late professional jackass Charlie Kirk, and now fronted by his grifting widow Erika Kirk (editor: shots across the bow).

Bill Belichick, the former Patriots coach who's doing university level coaching these days as opposed to, oh... retiring, has been lurking around in recent days, fuming about being snubbed from the Hall of Fame. "It's just a matter of time," he predicted. "It hurts, though. I've done so much for this sport and this is the way I get treated. By the way, anyone got a coaching job for me? I'm getting tired of slumming it down in North Carolina. Wait, did I say that out loud?"

NBC is worried about the ratings. "Seattle isn't exactly a top ten market for us," NBC Sports Vice President Daryl Watts admitted this week. We'd prefer Philadelphia and Kansas City, because that brings in the ratings. We'd really like New York to be in it, but that's not realistic."

Upon hearing that remark, the president of the Giants fan club declared war on NBC.

This reporter has spent too many Super Bowls attending the game and the run up (editor: again, the readers love it when you complain). This reporter finds it tedious and pointless, as predictably the games fall into an endless mass of plays, commercials, more plays, and standing around staring. And then more commercials. This reporter would suggest that the game would be more interesting if the two quarterbacks just came to mid-field at end of game and started fighting, and whoever's still standing five minutes later, their team wins (editor: you might have something there).

This reporter has also in previous years run afoul of the late O.J. Simpson during the week of festivities. The former pro player who later became infamous after the murders of his ex wife and a friend of hers, a crime he was found not guilty of but civilly liable for later on, and who spent some time in jail on other matters, was known after his release for coming to these events, losing his temper, and demanding retribution. Simpson died in recent years, and it is on good authority that the man is currently burning in Hell where he belongs.

"Oh, yes, he's an unpleasant fellow," the Devil confirmed in a call from Hell. "O.J. broke in spirit about five minutes after he first got here, and we had him crying like a baby. Confessed to everything, including a few things no one knew about. These days we have him on the rack for the next ten thousand years, and he's complaining about how no one has ever been treated as badly as him, and how he wants to have another chance to come back to earth and play the game again. It's weird, but no one seems to like that the only sport we allow in Hell is cricket."

Other teams- the Chiefs, the Steelers, the Bills, the Eagles, and the Broncos- are looking on from the sidelines, wondering where it went wrong this season, and why they didn't advance to the finals. In regards to the Chiefs, some in the social media world are wondering what this means for the Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Express To Marriage, which will be the inevitable name of the Hollywood adaptation as a romantic comedy (editor: starring Emma Stone and Channing Tatum).

Time will tell. Some experts say the days of NFL dynasties are done, and that one or two Super Bowl wins may be followed by years of floundering in the standings. Others say that a dark horse contender could come out of nowhere next year and surprise everyone. "Dallas Cowboys in 2028," a nameless crazy person standing on a street corner six blocks from the stadium predicted to this reporter earlier this week. 

However things unfold, it will be a long game, with hours of pre-game festivities being aired long before the game even starts. And endless interruptions during the game. Because that's the Super Bowl tradition- putting on a game that lasts twice as long as a regular season game.

And in the end, no one will remember in ten years who won what. Because the game has become that unmemorable (editor: preaching to the choir).

In the opinion of this reporter, what we need to see is something that will mess with the heads of every NFL fan watching the game. A power outage, with the stadium reduced to emergency lights, the broadcast cut off, and the League deciding to throw in the towel after nine hours of waiting and debating. 

That's the sort of wild card action one needs to kill the Super Bowl (editor: you, um... aren't planning on doing something I'm going to have to send an attorney for you, are you?).

Alas, that won't happen. And so this reporter will be confined to attend a game others would pay dearly to attend, and be bored out of his mind. And it will take a week to decompress from this stupidity. All while one team wins, and the other one loses.

Unless everyone slips on the turf for no reason and simultaneously breaks their legs.