Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Tuesday, February 6, 2024

Requiem For A Super Bowl Weekend


Super Bowl Sunday Looms; Certain Segment Of Society Claims The Game Has Been Ruined Forever

Las Vegas (AP) The week leading up to the Super Bowl is carrying on in this gambling city of the American West. Fans are pouring in and taking in some of the pre-game hype. Reporters from all over the world are present. Betting sites are taking action on literally every aspect of the game. Scalpers are working to unload tickets at steep rates and avoid being seen by the police. And the usual Vegas crowd are oblivious to it all, feeding more and more money into the slot machines.

This year the San Francisco 49ers are meeting the Kansas City Chiefs in the first Super Bowl held in this city. The two teams have proven to be controversial, as the MAGA segment of the population hates San Francisco, a liberal city, and so would be inclined to root for their opponent.

But their opponent is Kansas City, and in recent months, the team has been in the news for another reason- one of their team members, Travis Kelce, has been in a relationship with Taylor Swift, the megastar singer whose legions of fans call themselves Swifties. And she herself is seen as liberal- so the MAGA crowd have been screaming murder and claiming that she's ruining the game (editor: what a bunch of crybabies).

This reporter has been dispatched to cover the game, despite the fact that he's not a sports reporter. Perhaps it's because his editor appreciates the general snarkiness of his writing for such events. It's very different from this reporter's previous editor, who's still locked away in a mental hospital after multiple violent threats (editor: that guy was out of his mind).

Swift, who has a habit of writing breakup albums after previous relationships went south, may or may not even be attending. She's in Japan doing a concert the day before, and a flight back would take eighteen hours. Nonetheless, the relationship has MAGA faithful foaming at the mouth, what with the habit of broadcasters regularly cutting to check her out at games. 

"It ain't right!" Jeb "Bubba" Guthrie of Tennessee told this reporter this week at one of the pre-game events. "It's our sport! Not dem libs! Why the **** does anyone let somethin' like this happen, anyway?"

This reporter asked if Mr. Guthrie thought there might be a conspiracy.

"Damn right! No matter who wins, we lose! Damn Marxist libs want us to vax our kids so they can put mind chips in 'em! Just like they're hidin' the truth about the flat earth and the ice wall! Well no sir, not me! I ain't woke!"

Nor educated, this reporter thought, seeing little point in trying to reason with him. It's been a long season, with some teams thought to be sure fire in the Super Bowl falling by the wayside. And the end result being the two competing teams in a combination that infuriates many GOP voters.

Terry Bradshaw isn't broadcasting this year, but never passed on an opportunity to come to these things, was more circumspect.

"It's been a weird year, sure," Bradshaw told reporters. "But an exciting one. Sure, some people out there might be feeling sore and all, but you know what? That's life. Your guys don't always win, because what would be the point?"

It's also been the year of the final downfall of a coach who was once a big name in the game- Bill Belichick. The former Patriots coach, who cheated his way to multiple Super Bowl championships, was fired early in the year after over two decades in New England. Belichick has been seen this week roaming about, looking for new coaching opportunities.

No one has been biting as of yet. Rumour has it that Belichick even reached out beyond American borders to the Canadian Football League and offered his services to the Ottawa RedBlacks, who have been having a few bad years. A staff member, speaking on condition of anonymity, told this reporter by phone, "look, yes, we've been struggling a lot, but we're trying to turn it around. Besides, we're not that desperate." (editor: ooo! Burn!)

It has been said that Belichick sold his soul to the Devil to gain his victories. The Devil has previously confirmed this, and spoke with this reporter this week by phone from the Seventh Circle of Hell. "At this point, his soul is effectively worthless. I'm putting some serious thought into maybe revoking his ability to die, and condemning him to be an eternal wanderer, walking the face of the earth, trying and failing to get a football job. I think that's the sort of thing he deserves."

Country singer Reba McIntyre will do the national anthem to open up the event. The halftime show is said to be headlined by Usher (along with whoever else for a pointless lip synch extravaganza that will leave fans wondering what that was). In between and after halftime will be a game, interspersed with commercials that companies are paying a mint for (editor: pretty dumb commercials too).

Another figure present, though not wanted by anyone, is disgraced former player and ex-convict O.J. Simpson, who's been spending years since his release from prison coming to these events anyway, and making a scene. This reporter is well acquainted with the man.

Simpson was standing at one of the pre-game events, talking to anyone who would listen. Most people saw him and made a point of making a wide berth around him. "It's like this," Simpson said. "The ****in' NFL won't let the Juice back in. No sir! They won't let me participate, won't let me coach, won't let me play. They tell me I'm bad news. **** that! People ****in' love the Juice. Except for Nicole and whatever that waiter guy's name was. Well, **** 'em. They're dead anyway."

Simpson paused, looking out at the group watching him. That included this reporter (editor: uh oh). "Hey! It's you! You're that mother****er who keeps tellin' people I was threatenin' to ****in' kill your ass! You take that back, mother****er, or I will kill you!"

Simpson strode forward, his face enraged.... and tripped. There was a loud crack as he hit the floor, and he started screaming. "My hip! I broke my ****in' other hip!!!!" (editor: he got exactly what he deserves)

This reporter walked away as paramedics came in, hearing Simpson scream curses in between screaming in pain. The city waits for the spectacle. Here and there one sees MAGA protestors holding up signs saying that the NFL must revoke both teams playing in favour of "our boys", or threatening to hold their breath if either San Francisco or Kansas City wins.

And this reporter is front and center for it all (editor: sorry, I'll send Dennehy next year). Even though this reporter doesn't even like football. Oh well. The entertainment value in watching whatever passes for brain matter melting in MAGA heads should make up for it. 

Because no matter who wins, those overgrown babies lose.


  1. "Seventh circle of hell: At this point his soul is effectively eternal wanderer."
    Can I please use that paragraph in one of my Friday stories one day? Pretty please?

  2. I've heard our local highschool kids will be in a commercial. Now I'll have to watch for them. The football game, meh!

  3. Your Super Bowl posts never disappoint!

  4. silly me with all the talk about the Super Bowl I thought it had already been played ! I don't watch TV but I watch some streaming. Watching one on the Knights Templar now.

  5. Kansas City will win. Or San Francisco. Who cares?

  6. My husband is enjoying it now. I think most people in Hawaii root for San Francisco, probably because of the proximity.


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