Covid-19 And The Deathly Hallows

Covid Pandemic Lessening; Unfortunately Stupid People Survived

AP (New York). Across the world, vaccinations continue in earnest to bring the Covid pandemic to an end. Some countries are doing very well in the vaccination process. Others have substantial numbers of their populations that are skeptical of vaccinations. The crisis isn't quite over, but it does feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel. 

Quarantine. Social distancing. Lockdown. Masks. Work from home. Essential workers only. Day drinking. All of those have been common terms in the past year plus as the world has struggled, fumbled, and otherwise made its way through a pandemic. This reporter, deemed essential, has nonetheless largely worked away from the office, which hasn't really changed from before, given that this reporter has a cranky editor who's so volatile that this reporter has a restraining order against him (editor: shut up!)

Great change has happened in society in the past year and a half. Social withdrawal into so called bubbles. Isolation at home and the realization that you hate your family. Masking everywhere if you need to shop. Barbershops and hairstylists closed for months at a time. Pets wondering why you're home all the time. Dogs exhausted by being taken out for far too many walks. An increase in anxiety and depression among people who never had issues with either. At-home schooling for kids deprived of school and now being taught by parents trying to do their own work from school. As a side note, in twenty years we'll have a generation of politicians who, for a year or two, were largely taught by day drinkers (editor: are you suggesting my kids are being taught by a day drinker?)

Sports were shut down entirely for a time. Sports channels started broadcasting old sports games for a time. After all, there's only so many times you can repeat 50 Greatest Catches or 100 Biggest Screw Ups. Nonetheless it was weird watching games played before you were born. Some sports started coming back sooner than others, but with no fans in the stands. Gradually some sports started allowing fans in the stands, with social distancing. Others held out. Masks were seen everywhere. 

The world looked on as a former American president who did nothing but exasperate the problem in his own country by downplaying the problem and then offering up idiotic 'cures' was voted out of office. And yet in the United States there continue to be states where there is a lagging resistance to being vaccinated, and a wealth of stupid conspiracy theories about vaccines (editor: they're not all stupid!). This reporter would like to point out that his editor is insane (editor: shut up!)

The entertainment industry has had to adjust too. Productions were shut down early on, with an inability to broadcast new material. Late night comedy and daytime talk shows had to adjust to doing remote in-home episodes. Scripted dramas and comedies were off the table for a time being, as were films, until very slowly companies started figuring out ways to film in a socially distanced way, with stringent Covid-19 testing. And of course there's already been Covid-19 as a movie, with the hapless nitwit Michael Bay releasing a found footage style film (editor: Michael Bay is a genius! Shut up!).

Theatres have been opened and closed. Streaming has been a big thing for any new content coming along. Scripted shows have returned to the air. Daytime soaps, which were shut down for a time, have returned. One producer has even decided to incorporate Coronavirus into their series- though not in the way you might expect. "Aside from just having characters do the hand sterilize thing on camera that we're all doing anyway, nobody wants to see a character die of Corona on screen," Days Of Our Lives producer Katie Carlson admitted. "No, a soap opera death needs to be either tragic or something we can explain away if we decide to bring the character back. But what we're going to be doing different. A nod towards Coronavirus in a subtle way. We well be introducing the previously unknown daughter of a major character. Think Joan Collins in Dynasty... the character you'd love to hate. Not just the bad girl, but completely irredeemable. And her name will be Corona."

This reporter would like to point out that daytime soaps are just plain weird. The brewers of Corona beer haven't made any plans to change the name of their beer either (editor: what is it with you and beer? I have already said I'm not a day drinker!) This reporter would like to state that the issue about Corona beer is relevant to the article and that it is the editor constantly bringing up the issue of his drinking. This reporter would also like to remind the editor that the editor's chronic alcoholism is not just confined to daytime drinking. (editor: shut up!)

Vaccinations continue to proceed. Some have already had a double dose of them. Others refuse. Experts advise that Covid may be here to stay, and that vaccinations may end up becoming an annual thing, like the flu shot. This reporter has heard that his editor subscribes to conspiracy theories, which this reporter feels is quite irresponsible (editor: I swear to God, I will hunt you down, restraining order or not, and inject you with a doctored form of Covid-19 that will have you dying inside of two minutes).

This reporter would like to point out that once again his cranky editor has threatened his life and limb, and that this is not professional behaviour. (editor in chief: the editor for this reporter has been relieved of duties and sent to a place with padded walls. Apologies to this reporter for the harassment.) This reporter thanks the editor in chief, and closes with this: we're close to the end, people, but that doesn't mean it's over. Continue to follow health guidelines, get your vaccinations, and let's get through this together.

Oh, and to my now committed editor: enjoy your time at the Bedlam Asylum.

Should Old Acquaintance Be Misplaced

The end of the year is upon us. And so I have an image blog for the occasion...

Revenge Of The Scammer Horde

Of course they never take a hint. The spammers try to post nonsense spam on our posts, and most of the time spam filters kick that nonsense straight into the purgatory of spam folders where they belong, as opposed to publishing. Sometimes those spam comments insult our actual readers. Often spammers try to post endless times on the same post, so the effect over time is that a single post might have thousands more views than others. They never seem to understand that even if they do get a comment published, it won't stay that way for long.

And then there are the internet scammers. This email appeared in my junk email a few days ago.

Email:jasonhammond15@onet.pl Dear Confidant My name is Jason Hammond, a professional engineer who is interested in establishing some capital investments within and outside our country, but with your assistance and expertise. We would be happy to work with your esteemed person or company in this capacity. We solicit your partnership in a multi million dollars bid repayment proposal for contract in Iraq I shall offer you more details when I am in receipt of your acceptance/consent email. I shall also let you know the following * How I will introduce you/your company to the holding Ministry and make you the beneficiary of the funds. * Who I am and why I have decided to sought for your assistance. *What percentage of the money I am willing to give you for your assistance. Kindly respond with your private phone and fax numbers for easier and faster communication. We would appreciate if you send a positive response to us on engineercole15@gmail.com to enable us send you full details of the contract bid.Only when we hear from you in this box we know you are serious to deal. Jason Hammond 

Where to begin? Well, with the email addresses. The two listed do not correspond to the one that was  used to send this nonsense to me in the first place. That one was fahim@luckytextilemills.biz. Oh, sure, that sounds legitimate. Because when I think of organizations on the proverbial up-and-up, biz happens to be part of their title. 

More like that's what you'd expect to see out of a used car dealer. Lucky Eddie, Used Cars Biz: Trust Us For Your Next Ride. Which should actually read Lucky Eddie, Used Cars Biz: We're Going To Take You For A Ride.

If you google Jason Hammond, it's a commonly used name for internet scammers on various email letters. Which makes you feel sorry for anyone actually named Jason Hammond. He claims to be a professional engineer, and of course there are the usual tell tales of a scammer- shifting back and forth between the singluar "who is" and the plural "within and outside our country". He claims that he wants to enlist my "assistance and expertise" for a "multi million dollars bid repayment proposal for contract in Iraq". There are the usual punctuation issues- missing periods, the use of an asterix repeatedly- and the usual capitalized words that don't require them, not to mention spacing issues in sentences. And of course, like usual, it's all a line of bull.

"Only when we hear from you in this box we know you are serious to deal." Dear Jason, or to be precise, whatever the hell your real name is- what the hell does that mean? No one who actually speaks English says that. And I hate to point this out to you, but I don't have a fax number. Who the hell uses fax machines anyway? Aside from office managers who think Betamax is going to make a comeback?

And even if you were real (you're not, we've pretty much established that), why on earth would I want to get involved in a business deal involving Iraq? I wouldn't. Iraq's in the list of ten countries I would never want to visit, thank you very much, and let's face it, it's not going to be a stable place to be in for years to come. 

Nice try, dumbass. 

Maybe someone else would buy this con you're sending out to hundreds of thousands of random emails, but I'm not biting.

In an ideal world we could have you sent to Iraq. 

With a one way ticket.

And dropped into the middle of it from the plane.

Without a parachute.

The Insecurities Of An Angry Actor

Academy Awards To Go Ahead; Star Demands Respect

Los Angeles (AP) Further details on the 90^th Academy Awards were announced by producers. The annual awards blowout and celebrity love-in event will be happening on March 4^th, 2018, hosted once again by Jimmy Kimmel, returning from last year. Producers Michael de Luca and Jennifer Todd met with reporters in Hollywood at the Academy’s Pickford Center For Motion Picture Study to discuss some of the outlying issues of the ceremony, which each year crowns winners in multiple categories and seems to draw in way too much emphasis on what people are wearing.

Nominations will be opening up early in the new year, with numerous films speculated about as contenders in various categories. The producers confirmed that Kimmel’s steady hosting and capacity for improvising in the last year’s epic-length ceremony made him a good bet to return this year, and that Kimmel has been hard at work with the writing staff in devising the opening. They also promised to do everything in their power to bring the ceremonies in on time. “As opposed to the usual eighteen to forty eight hour ordeal,” Todd noted.

“Yes, I can confirm that Jack Nicholson’s corpse will be present and accounted for,” de Luca added. “In cooperation with the terms of his will, the annual touch-ups on his embalming will be taking place in the days leading up to the ceremony, and he’ll be ready to go, propped up right in the front row as always. We are trying to get people to agree to sit beside him, but thus far have had problems getting solid commitment in that regard.”

Todd carried on. “Yes, we are well aware of the ongoing scandals involving actors, producers, and the like in sexual harassment or assault. We continue to monitor the situation, and can assure you that those who have been accused will not be attending. If, during the ceremonies, breaking news comes out that one of the attendees is being accused of anything, we are fully prepared to throw them out. Mr. Kimmel plans on devoting time during the ceremonies to single out Harvey Weinstein in particular as a target of his comedic wrath. We have no idea where Mr. Weinstein is, so you’ll have to ask his lawyer. Who, if they act like any other lawyer would, will just say they have no comment pending legal hearings anyway.”

“And then there are the other matters,” de Luca remarked. “Over the last few years we’ve had persistent problems with the behavior of Tom Cruise, who has perpetually shown up despite not being invited and has routinely made a fool of himself, demanding attention. Once again this year we will have our enforcers on hand. Tommy Lee Jones and Marisa Tomei have kindly agreed to take on that position again, and rest assured, neither of them need brass knuckles to get the job done.”

“You can’t let her in!” a voice bellowed from the back of the room. Reporters turned, and a familiar figure came striding through the crowd towards the producers. Leonardo DiCaprio, the perpetually Oscar deprived actor (at least until his lead role in The Revenant), looked irritated. The actor, who actually hasn’t acted in a feature film lately, and who isn’t scheduled to act any time soon, has been known for making scenes at the Oscars and getting beaten up by the aforementioned Ms. Tomei as a consequence. “Marisa Tomei broke my nose! She’s humiliated me repeatedly, and you can’t let her attend the ceremony!” He took to the podium, glaring out at the reporters, looking less like the heartthrob from his Titanic days and more like he was channeling a middle aged Orson Welles.

“Mr. DiCaprio,” de Luca started, and the actor turned, glaring at him. “You’ve been warned about this before. Ranting doesn’t look good for anyone, but especially you, and if it means we’re required to bring in actors who know how to handle themselves in a fight and who have no problem at all knocking someone out, that’s what we’ll do.”

“What part of she broke my nose are you not hearing?” DiCaprio countered, turning back to the reporters. “I demand respect! I am the greatest actor alive today, and I should be treated as such! I mean, there’s a reason I’ve got supermodels to date all the time, you know!”

“Because you have money and fame?” this reporter asked, not adding, it can’t be for your personality.

DiCaprio nodded. “My point is no one treats me the way I’ve been treated and just keeps getting away with it! I demand that she be barred from the Oscars. Jones too! I won’t be hit in the face by anyone ever again!” The actor went on, but movement behind him caught the eyes of everyone. Jones and Tomei themselves came out on stage, silently moving behind the actor as he carried on ranting. Finally Jones tapped on his left shoulder, while Tomei tapped on his right shoulder. DiCaprio turned… and Tomei and Jones hit him in the face at the same time, sending him tumbling to the floor.

The press conference broke up shortly thereafter. Tomei and Jones were quiet, but seemed quite satisfied. The producers thanked reporters for coming. Reporters speculated on the long odds of the Oscars actually running on time. And DiCaprio was taken out of the building by paramedics, holding his nose and yelling, “they broke my nose again!”