New Year, Same Old Internet Scams

They are the accursed. The damned. The wretched. The wastes of oxygen otherwise known as internet scammers and spammers, who persist in sending comments and emails peddling the too good to be true scams, gambling sites for the other side of the bloody planet (Ratana, you useless, worthless prick, I'm talking about you), totally fake con artist spell casters and witch doctors, and otherwise other sites. Or they're the sort who demonstrate that they never read a thing you wrote (Rajani, that's aimed squarely at you- you're the asshole who writes "mind blowing post" and "please read my post" on numerous blog posts, including that of a woman talking about her cancer diagnosis. That, Rajani, is a complete asshole thing to do. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on).

Some of you might remember a post from 2019 in which I took apart a spam comment from the standard scammer, a cancer widow saying she was from Malta by the unlikely name of Ruphina Bruce. Here it is in its entirety.

Dear Sir/Ma,

My name is Mrs. Ruphina Bruce, I am 89 years old widow living in Malta island close to Italy, I am the Mother of late Mr. James Bruce my only son who was a minister of Aviation in my country Malta. My son James and his wife died 5 years ago in Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 that crashed on the 8th of March 2014,please you can visit this link

for more details of the plane crash that killed my son and his wife.My son James and his wife left behind their only 9 years old daughter whose name is Melina. Melina is my only grandchild and the only heir of my late son Mr. James Bruce.

My son James was not a billionaire but the little he left for his only daughter Melina before he passed on if it is well managed by a good business man or woman in the foreign land; I think my granddaughter’s future will be secured.

My dear, my utmost reason of writing you is because I need your urgent assistance, I want to send my granddaughter (Melina) to you so that she can live with you in your country, this is a very hard decision for me but my condition has forced me to do this which i must do urgently because the doctor said i have little time to live due to the Cancer disease i am currently battling with, my granddaughter (Melina) is very young but rich and lonely,i am the only family she's got ever since she lost her parents, but now i am very old and weak and if anything happens to me she does not know what to do or where to go, this is why i am asking you if you can adopt her and take care of her like your own child.

please do not worry about the cost of securing Melina’s traveling document and her welfare because Melina is Rich, Melina’s father had deposited the sum of $21 million usd in Universal bank for Melina and instructed me to handle the online login to the account to Melina when she turns 18, But since i do not have much time to live due to old age and my poor health condition i therefore seek your assistance and honesty to help me adopt melina to take good care of her and handle the funds for her.

With the online account login details which i will hand over to you will enable you transfer the fund from the account to any other bank account of your choice,Please I want you to use part of this money for Melina upbring and her education, then invest the other part in a good business and most importantly, I want you to take good care of Melina, give her all the support and love she needs.

My dear, I am writing you because I am very old and weak now, I can’t walk or even see clearly, what you are reading now was writing by my house help “Jonny” with my instruction, so please do not get me wrong because I can’t even see the letters on the computer keyboard let alone type a word. I do not speak English, I speak Maltese so everything here is translated

As soon as I hear a positive response from you, I will release the online bank account details to you to enable you withdraw the required fund to arrange for my granddaughters trip to meet you in your country. .

Thanks

My greetings to you and your family

Mrs. Ruphina Bruce.

Back in November I got an actual comment in that very same post, reporting that Ruphina was still alive and kicking. Here it is:

Ruphina is still going strong despite the "terminal cancer" diagnosis in 2019 as I have just had the exact same e mail in November 2021.Looking closely it comes from Marcus Adebayo , not a very Maltese name !

Sigh. They never learn, do they?

You'd think that it would occur to them to tweak their story if they're going to go with the dying of cancer angle. Names changed. Places. The narrative. Because when you're passing yourself off as a dying of cancer pity me victim, it speaks volumes that three years later you're still alive and writing the exact same thing to other people.

Because you didn't die of cancer. More's the pity, because if anyone on the planet deserves to die of cancer, it's you. And that prat Rajani, who thinks his 'pay attention to me' comments on a cancer diagnosis post is a good thing. Hear that, Rajani? You should die of cancer. There. Said it. I'll no doubt say it again.

But no, these scammers are, well, pretty stupid. They're not asking themselves how credible their fake sob stories sound (hint: they aren't). They're not suggesting to themselves that maybe they ought to call it a day and find some honest line of work. They're not wondering if they're being ridiculed.

No, they're just focused on the one person in a half million random email accounts they send this crap too. That one person who's dumber than they are. Who thinks it's real. Who's foolish enough to buy the bait and send what's inevitably the two or five thousand dollar 'administrative fee' to the first email address in a long daisy chain of email addresses ultimately leading not to a dying widow who wants them to do good works with the money being given to a random stranger- but to a scam artist in some distant part of the world.

Because that one person is foolish enough to do it.

You wish they'd take a hint already and just drop dead. I've actively suggested it many times. I've counselled them to cease their wasting of oxygen that's better used for people who contribute something to the world. I've asked them to consider throwing themselves off a cliff. I've even recommended more colourful and stringent ways of ending their existence. After all, who would miss them?

But all for not. I'm still getting comments from totally fake people gushing about totally fake spell casting witch doctors with regularity. I'm still getting spam comments from the Ratanas of the world. And every once in awhile I still get comments from Rajani the 'copy paste feel good posts'  and 'pay attention to me' nitwit (who really should die of cancer). 

Nice try, Ruphina. First, congratulations on not dying yet of that totally fake cancer diagnosis. A diagnosis made by a totally fake doctor, and made to a totally fake patient. Second, it's nice to know that you're still at it, and that people see right through your line of bullshit. 

I still stand by what I generally say to spammers and scammers in these parts.

Drop dead.

Fuck you.

And rot in hell.

That's me saying it nicely.

Return Of The Cancer Widow Scammer

It seems that I have been quite hit by the internet scammers this month. As was the case in my last post and two other posts earlier in the month, no matter how many times I might belittle and insult them, they keep coming back with more attempted scams in emails, sent off to my email accounts with the hope and expectation that someone on their list might be gullible enough to buy into the scam. Such was the case with this one, which came in around the same time as the one in my previous post. The name was familiar, but some of the details of the totally fake story had changed.

My Beloved Friend In The Lord.

Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. I am Mrs Elizabeth A. Johnson from Bahrain, a widow to late Dr. A. Johnson . l am 51 years old and a coveted born again Christian, suffering from long time cancer of the breast, from all indication my condition is really deteriorating and it is quite obvious that I might not live more than two (2) months, according to my doctor because the cancer has gotten to a very worst/ dangerous stage.

My late husband and my only child died last five years ago, his death was politically motivated. My late husband was a very rich and wealthy business man who was running his Gold/Diamond Business here in South Africa. After his death, I inherited all his business and wealth. My doctors has advised me that I may not live for more than two (2) months, so I now decided to divide the part of this wealth, to contribute to the development of the church in Africa, America, Asia, and Europe. I collected your email address during my desperate search on the internet and I prayed over it, the spirit of our lord Jesus Christ directed me to you.

I decided to donate the sum of $5,600,000.00 USD (Five Million Six hundred thousand United States dollars) to the less privileged because I cannot take this money to the grave. Please I want you to note that this fund is lodged in a bank here in South Africa.

Once I hear from you, I will forward to you all the information's you will use to get this fund released from the bank and to be transferred to your bank account. I honestly pray that this money when transferred to you will be used for the said purpose because l has come to find out that wealth acquisition without Christ is vanity. May the grace of our lord Jesus the love of God and the fellowship of God be with you and your family.

Reply me on my private email address

Thanks and God bless you.

Your beloved sister in Christ.

Mrs. Elizabeth Anna Johnson.

Well, where to begin? Mrs. Johnson, or whatever the hell her, his, or its real name is, fits some of the hallmarks of the traditional internet scammer. The widow with the sob story, the devout and faithful person with a whole lot of money to just give away. Writing numbers in both letter and numerical form. Mistakes in writing and a style of writing that suggests English is not their first language. Capitalizing words that don't require it. We see all the hallmarks of it in this message. And then there's the matter of the one email address in the received line not matching the one that she put into the body of her fake scam email (which I deleted). 

I mentioned that the name was familiar. And so checking older posts I confirmed those suspicions. Last February I featured this post, in which Mrs. Johnson had the same claim- dying of breast cancer (no, wait, cancer of the breast in her terms) and claiming to have just two months left to live and wanting to give away her 5.6 million dollars to charity for the 'good work of the lord' if I'll just administer it. 

So she carries on the scam here. Mind you, some of the details have changed. Her husband, the late doctor A. Johnson has gone from being a diplomat to being a businessman (a very rich and wealthy businessman, as if saying the same thing in two different ways somehow makes it more real). Instead of dying in a car crash like her previous claim states, she only says his death was politically motivated. Oh, and this time she mentions their only child dying too. You'd think the old bat would be able to keep her story straight and have remembered the death of their child, but apparently not. 

"Wealth acquisition without Christ is vanity", she says. Well, do please tell that to the insufferable bastards who call themselves televangelists, who make themselves obscenely rich fleecing real widows and desperate people and hiding behind their own self righteous piety. Tell that to the prosperity gospel religious right. But you won't, because for all your claimed virtue and devout faith, we all know it's nothing more than a line you're feeding for the truly gullible. Which I am not.

We both know, Mrs. Johnson, or whoever you are, that there is no cancer. Because you claimed the same thing a year ago- 'two months left to live, poor me, do the lord's work'. And yet here you are. So there is no cancer. 

But I'm going to say something that might be cruel, might be harsh.

But it's warranted.

See, for those of us who have lost family members to that disease, it's not amusing to see a goddamned scam artist like you using cancer to pull a con.

So in an ideal world, Mrs. Johnson, you really would end up with cancer.

A very aggressive form of it. The sort that no painkiller can alleviate as the end comes, the sort that makes you scream and howl in pain and curse everyone you ever knew.

But we're not living in an ideal world.

So I'll just suggest you go find yourself a cliff. And jump off it.

Revenge Of The Scammer Horde

Of course they never take a hint. The spammers try to post nonsense spam on our posts, and most of the time spam filters kick that nonsense straight into the purgatory of spam folders where they belong, as opposed to publishing. Sometimes those spam comments insult our actual readers. Often spammers try to post endless times on the same post, so the effect over time is that a single post might have thousands more views than others. They never seem to understand that even if they do get a comment published, it won't stay that way for long.

And then there are the internet scammers. This email appeared in my junk email a few days ago.

Email:jasonhammond15@onet.pl Dear Confidant My name is Jason Hammond, a professional engineer who is interested in establishing some capital investments within and outside our country, but with your assistance and expertise. We would be happy to work with your esteemed person or company in this capacity. We solicit your partnership in a multi million dollars bid repayment proposal for contract in Iraq I shall offer you more details when I am in receipt of your acceptance/consent email. I shall also let you know the following * How I will introduce you/your company to the holding Ministry and make you the beneficiary of the funds. * Who I am and why I have decided to sought for your assistance. *What percentage of the money I am willing to give you for your assistance. Kindly respond with your private phone and fax numbers for easier and faster communication. We would appreciate if you send a positive response to us on engineercole15@gmail.com to enable us send you full details of the contract bid.Only when we hear from you in this box we know you are serious to deal. Jason Hammond 

Where to begin? Well, with the email addresses. The two listed do not correspond to the one that was  used to send this nonsense to me in the first place. That one was fahim@luckytextilemills.biz. Oh, sure, that sounds legitimate. Because when I think of organizations on the proverbial up-and-up, biz happens to be part of their title. 

More like that's what you'd expect to see out of a used car dealer. Lucky Eddie, Used Cars Biz: Trust Us For Your Next Ride. Which should actually read Lucky Eddie, Used Cars Biz: We're Going To Take You For A Ride.

If you google Jason Hammond, it's a commonly used name for internet scammers on various email letters. Which makes you feel sorry for anyone actually named Jason Hammond. He claims to be a professional engineer, and of course there are the usual tell tales of a scammer- shifting back and forth between the singluar "who is" and the plural "within and outside our country". He claims that he wants to enlist my "assistance and expertise" for a "multi million dollars bid repayment proposal for contract in Iraq". There are the usual punctuation issues- missing periods, the use of an asterix repeatedly- and the usual capitalized words that don't require them, not to mention spacing issues in sentences. And of course, like usual, it's all a line of bull.

"Only when we hear from you in this box we know you are serious to deal." Dear Jason, or to be precise, whatever the hell your real name is- what the hell does that mean? No one who actually speaks English says that. And I hate to point this out to you, but I don't have a fax number. Who the hell uses fax machines anyway? Aside from office managers who think Betamax is going to make a comeback?

And even if you were real (you're not, we've pretty much established that), why on earth would I want to get involved in a business deal involving Iraq? I wouldn't. Iraq's in the list of ten countries I would never want to visit, thank you very much, and let's face it, it's not going to be a stable place to be in for years to come. 

Nice try, dumbass. 

Maybe someone else would buy this con you're sending out to hundreds of thousands of random emails, but I'm not biting.

In an ideal world we could have you sent to Iraq. 

With a one way ticket.

And dropped into the middle of it from the plane.

Without a parachute.

Death Of The Sparkly Vampire

I have an image blog today. Enjoy!