The Mysterious Case Of The Overblown Ego

 The Oscars are coming up this weekend. I would, of course, rather crawl through a kilometer of broken glass than watch the ceremonies. That said, it is my tradition to ridicule the entire thing each year by saying how the event should go, and of course referencing my previous continuity on the entire thing. Enjoy!

Four days before the ceremony actually begins, people will have been camped out outside the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles. They are looking for photo op and autograph opportunities. They will pass the time gossipping with each other about the nominees, annoying nearby businesses with washroom requests, and giving the local food delivery industry a big boost.

With the show being broadcast once again on ABC, the network president will receive a visit from producers Katy Mullan and Raj Kapoor, returning again to the job. They solemnly promise that this time, the event will be on time. The network president will remain dubious of that.

Conan O'Brien, hosting the ceremonies, will be busy with a team of writers on his opening monologue in the days in advance, hoping to score a few easy laughs.

Three days prior to the ceremony, an annual tradition will be underway at a local mortuary. Morticians will be doing the final touch ups on the body of Jack Nicholson. The legendary actor died several years ago at an Oscars ceremony, and has left strict instructions in his will that his body always be in attendance in the front row at the Oscars. After multiple embalmings, the morticians will be wondering how long this can go on.

Mullan and Kapoor will meet with the producers of the Razzies in a top secret endeavour to ensure Barbra Streisand won't attend this year's Oscars. The Razzies producers, amused by the idea being proposed, will agree to it.

Conan will have put the last touches on his monologue, finding the right balance of smarm and charm.

In the offices of his psychologist, Leonardo DiCaprio will be attending a session. There will be much to be discussed. His inability to commit in a relationship. His eagerness not to date any woman over 26. His overwhelming fear of Marisa Tomei. The therapist will ask at one point, "have you considered not attending the Oscars?"

At home, Tom Cruise will make some calls, looking to gather a crack team of operatives to get himself into the Oscars, despite that restraining order forbidding him from attending. First on his list will be Scott Baio, the washed up actor. "All right, Chachi, listen up," Cruise will tell him.

"I did more parts than Chachi," Baio will point out.

"Shut up, Chachi!"

The night before, the Razzies will be held, honouring (or dishonouring) the worst of the year in films. A surprise announcement will be made on stage. Barbra Streisand is being given the Lifetime Razzie as Most Annoying And Overrated Actor And Singer Of All Time. A montage of Streisand in film, as well as footage of her yelling at people, will be shown on screen at the theatre.

The announcement will go viral on social media. Within five minutes, Streisand's agent will call her at home to warn her of what's exploded on the web. When Streisand, possessor of the biggest ego in Hollywood, hears that she's been awarded a Razzie, she will first start screaming a deafening scream, horrified by the disrespect. And then she will collapse. Paramedics will be called.

The day of the ceremony, Jack Nicholson's corpse will be installed in the first row at the Dolby Theatre. Mullan and Kapoor will speak with the team of seat fillers assigned to sit around him, well paid for the job. "I know it's morbid, but the guy's will was specific, and we have to go through with it," Kapoor will say.

Mullan will add, "besides, it's just embalming fluid."

Still banned from attending the Oscars, Will Smith will be at home, watching the pre-show chatter in his living room. Since that fiasco involving slapping Chris Rock, his life has never been the same. His wife, Jada Pinkett-Smith, will be too busy to console him, being busy upstairs banging the gardener.

Barbra Streisand will be in hospital, still unconscious. Doctors and nurses will be glad for this, because they've dealt with her shrill temper tantrums on previous occasions. "Let's keep her heavily sedated," one will recommend, answered with nods from everyone else.

John Travolta will be busy getting ready at home, despite having had not appeared in anything remotely Oscar worthy in years. Satisfied that he's managed the bow tie properly, he'll nod to himself in the mirror and say, "showtime, Jamie Tedesco."

Jennifer Lawrence will finish getting ready at home, still wondering to herself if she should just spontaneously trip at the Oscars or plan it out for the right moment. This is, after all, her secret kink- tripping in public on Hollywood's biggest night of the year.

Mullan and Kapoor will speak with their designated enforcers, Tommy Lee Jones and Marisa Tomei, back again for another go around. Tomei and Jones will promise to keep things in line. They will stipulate that this does not include keeping the run-time down. "That's your job," Tomei will insist.

People will start arriving for the red carpet. Entertainment reporters will rush up to them, asking who designed what they're wearing.

Bjork will turn up, despite having nothing to do with the Oscars, and be wearing a mix of Doc Marten boots, ripped jeans, camo-pattern chemise, and a hat that looks like it's been through a blender. Fashionistas will call her a cutting edge genius of style.

Tom Cruise will be finishing up his master plans of how to get into the Oscars this time. It will involve motorbikes, Scott Baio, and a team of waiters and bit part actors. Gathered in a secret warehouse location a short distance from the Dolby Theatre, they will be going over their plans. Baio will interrupt, "but what if..."

"Shut up, Chachi!" Cruise will snap at him.

John Travolta will turn up at the red carpet, smiling in that addled way of his. "It's so good to be here," he'll say to an entertainment reporter. "After the Las Abelianos fires of the last few weeks, it's been a tough time for all of us, and we need to celebrate the best that Hollystone has to offer."

The entertainment reporter, too dumb to recognize that Travolta keeps getting names wrong, including places now, will simply gush.

Leonardo DiCaprio will arrive at the ceremony with the latest model he's been dating, all of 24 as fits his pattern. The fact that he's twice her age is irrelevant to him. He will look around, feeling anxious and uneasy. And then his eyes will fall upon the enforcers down near the stage. Tommy Lee Jones and Marisa Tomei will be in conversation. DiCaprio, remembering the frequent beatdowns he has sustained at the hands of Tomei, will start trembling. Tomei will look up through the seating and spot him. She will smile, point at him, and draw a finger across her throat as a threat, or a promise.

"Oh, God, she's going to kill me," he'll mutter.

The Oscars will start late, a harbinger of the entire night to come. Conan O'Brien will come out on stage, smile in that delirious smug way of his, and start things off by making fun of many people. 

Somewhere else, the ABC president will be wondering how far past the program will go past its runtime.

At home, Will Smith will be shaking his head. "I should have been there. It should have been me walking that aisle and mugging for the cameras. But instead I'm at home. No kids around, because they hate me. And a wife I'm barely married to who's never around. Where did things go so wrong?"

Upstairs, Jada will be too busy shagging her chauffeur.

The first award will be given out for the night. The winner will start making a speech, discreetly interrupted by the orchestra. They will point at the conductor and say, "no, we're not doing that. I've got some people to thank." This will set the tone for the rest of the ceremonies, with Mullan and Kapoor making side bets as to how long this whole thing is really going to go on.

In Las Vegas, bookies will be doing brisk business taking bets on when the Oscars ceremony will actually end.

Tom Cruise will be giving a final briefing to his Mission Impossible team as to his expectations and timing of this year's Oscar insertion. The fact that Scott Baio is the only other survivor of such previous insertions should disturb the team of waiters/ bit part actors/ collateral damage, but it doesn't.

One of the seat fillers around Jack Nicholson will find themselves wondering if the dead actor just moved.

James Brolin, cursed to be husband of Barbra Streisand, will be in the hospital sitting and waiting, wondering how bad the cluster tantrum will be when his wife wakes up and learns she's missed the Oscars again.

The first reference to the Hollywood fires of the night will be made by Meryl Streep while presenting an award.

John Travolta will nod and mutter to the person sitting next to him, "Molly Sutton knows what she's talking about."

The night will carry on. Mullan and Kapoor will look at their watches, and realize they're now an hour behind their expected time. They will wonder if they'll ever be called back to do another Oscars. They will decide that can't be a bad thing.

Leonardo DiCaprio will be in his seat, feeling overwhelming dread. From time to time his eyes will wander to the object of that dread. Marisa Tomei, looking so innocent and kind, but experience has taught him to be terrified of her. He subconsciously checks his nose, which she has broken before. "Calm, Leo, calm," he'll tell himself.

"What was that?" his date will ask him.

"Nothing, Katie," he will reply.

John Travolta will notice the tension of DiCaprio, and tell the person sitting next to him, "Lothar Daggett needs to learn inner peace." 

Tom Cruise will look himself in the mirror. A television broadcast of the Oscars will be going on nearby. It's too early, he knows. He must choose the right time to unleash his Mission Impossible. "You're the greatest, Tom, the greatest. The best there ever was. Everyone who says different is jealous of your greatness. And tonight we'll show them..."

Chris Rock will take the stage to announce a winner. His first words will be accompanied by a wave. "Hi, Will, hey, Jada, are you enjoying watching at home?" This will be accompanied by a grin. The audience will applaud, because let's face it, he deserves it.

Will Smith, watching at home, will start crying.

Jada will be upstairs banging her personal trainer.

The March of the Dead will be unleashed. Images of those in the film industry who died in the last year will be shown on screen and on televisions around the world. Famous actors and directors will be applauded. Cinematographers and designers and special effect wizards who have died will be met by a collective 'who the hell is that' response from the audience. 

Somewhere, a long retired screenwriter will sigh with dismay and tell his wife, "Honey, the Academy seems to think I'm dead."

John Travolta will shake his head when an image of Donald Sutherland appears on screen. "That Delbert Salinger was a really good actor."

The night will drag on. Cruise will be biding his time, watching the telecast, waiting for what he feels is the right time to show himself. One of the waiters will walk over and ask him if he can get a part in the next Mission Impossible. "Silence, minion!" Cruise will tell him.

Little does the waiter know that in a little while, none of this will matter, that he won't be able to tell anyone how curt Cruise is.

Two acting nominees from the same film will break out into a fight when one of them wins in their category, while the other one didn't in theirs, live on stage. The fight will be broken up by Jones and Tomei, who will drag both of them off stage. 

Conan O'Brien will announce to the audience that there's a correction to the March of the Dead. It seems that one of the screenwriters is in fact still alive, and apologies to him and his family and all of that. Because he's a screenwriter, no one will care.

When going to the stage to present an Oscar, Jennifer Lawrence will trip.

Cruise will tell his team that now is their time to make their move. A rolling door will be opened up. Ten people will mount motorbikes for an epic stunt ride to the Dolby Theatre. Scott Baio will look over at Cruise, nod, and say, "this is fun!"

"Shut up, Chachi!" Cruise will snap back.

Tomei and Jones will be standing by backstage as Mullan and Kapoor speak with the two actors involved in the fight. Most of the producer's ire will be focused on the sore loser who started the whole thing and attacked the winner.

Cruise will lead his motley gang of Mission Impossible wannabes through the streets of Hollywood, closing on on his target, looking forward to getting to have his say.

One of them will get second thoughts about the wisdom of all this and veer off to the left and take a side street and drive away. Ten years from now, after his big break into Hollywood, he will be glad he decided not to go through with Tom Cruise's crazy plan.

It will be time for the naming of the Best Actor. Leonardo DiCaprio will notice the return of Marisa Tomei and Tommy Lee Jones from backstage. He'll feel a familiar dread return.

One block away, Scott Baio will make a mistake on his motorbike. While Tom Cruise will avoid the eight motorbike pile up that will ensue, Baio will be part of it, slamming into another one and sending all of the remaining waiters and bit part actors into a pile of wreckage just short of the red carpet. Cruise will stop his bike, look back, and yell, "You idiots!"

Baio, suffering from multiple contusions and broken bones, will say, "help me!"

Multiple gawkers will look on in astonishment as Cruise runs inside the theatre.

Leonardo DiCaprio will find it in himself to ignore that bad feeling in the pit of his stomach to get up as the actress presenting the Best Actor award starts to make the announcement. He will head down the aisle towards the stage. "Hey! I've got something I need to say!"

Jones and Tomei will see him coming, and both get themselves in position to intercept. This is what they've been waiting for all year.

Tom Cruise will burst into the theatre, looking like a maniac. "Stop the Oscars!" he will bellow.

Cruise will storm down the aisle, finding DiCaprio blocking his way. "Hey! I was going to talk first!" DiCaprio will protest.

"Nobody cares about you anyway, Leo," Cruise will snap back. Neither of them will notice the two forces of nature striding across the stage towards them as they bicker and argue.

Tommy Lee Jones will grab Cruise by the shoulder, turning him around. Cruise will briefly recognize the face of the man who keeps thrashing him every year before Jones hits him right in the face with a left hook. And then the real beatdown will begin.

Sensing danger, DiCaprio will turn, only to find himself face to face with Marisa Tomei, who will deliver a devastating punch to the face. The crack of his nose breaking again will become the talk of the Oscars again. And it's only the beginning.

The Oscars will wrap up, eight hours past its expected end time. Mullan and Kapoor will be dealing with their side bet as to how long it would actually last.

Barbra Streisand will wake up in hospital, finding out it's the next day and she missed the Oscars again.

Tom Cruise will be in hospital, having had sustained multiple cuts, a broken nose, broken ribs, and a hard kick to the groin. He will also be facing charges of violating a trespass order and criminal mischief, as three of his Mission Impossible team died in that motorbike pile.

And Leonardo DiCaprio will be undergoing treatment for multiple broken bones, including his nose, and internal bleeding. He will say over and over again, "Marisa Tomei hurt me! Again!!!"

An Annual Star Studded Waste Of Our Time

The Oscars are coming this weekend. As always, I will not be watching, as I'd rather have broken glass dropped into my eyes than put up with that. However, it's been my tradition to write how the Oscars ceremony should go. Complete with my own continuity from previous Oscar years.

Five days before the event actually is scheduled to take place, fans will start camping out for places around the Dolby Theater in Hollywood. They will be spending their time sharing gossip on the nominees, who will be wearing what, and who might be the sore loser of the nominees. In the interim, they'll be spending their time irritating nearby shop keepers with requests to use the washroom, and giving the Ubereats drivers plenty of business.

Producers Katy Mullan and Raj Kapoor will appear at the offices of the ABC network president to assure him that the ceremony will finish on time.

The president, fully aware that will never happen, will nod and assume that his network will be backlogged with delays all night and probably into the next day. He knows this from previous experience.

This year's host, Jimmy Kimmel, will be wondering how many times he can get away with Barbieheimer references.

Three days before the ceremony, at a local funeral home, morticians will be busy on the annual touch-ups of the body of Jack Nicholson. The actor, who died years ago during an Oscars ceremony, left a will that stipulates that his corpse be placed in the front row for each ceremony going forward. The morticians will periodically muse on how many seat fillers will have to be paid extra to sit around the embalmed body.

At a psychologist's office in LA, Leonardo DiCaprio will be attending a session. As is usually the case with Leo at this time of year, the subjects will be his deathly fear of Marisa Tomei and his habit of dating women under the age of 26. Left unsaid will be what the therapist writes on her notepad: "this guy looks ridiculous dating women half his age."

Tom Cruise will be at home. Faced with a restraining order forbidding him once again from coming near the Dolby Theatre after multiple years of breaking in anyway, in a series of daring stunts involving the physical maiming or deaths of multiple accomplice waiters/ wannabe actors, Cruise will shrug it off, already planning how he'll pull it off this year.

On the day of the ceremony, Will Smith will be at home, feeling sorry for himself, still deep in a ten year ban from attending the ceremony after the hitting Chris Rock fiasco. His wife Jada Pinkett-Smith will be upstairs, playing tonsil hockey with her son's best friend.

Determined to keep her away from the ceremony, Mullan and Kapoor will send a runner to the residence of Barbra Streisand to whisk her off to her supposed trip to the Oscars, but in fact a one way trip to St. Agnes' Home For The Deranged. The runner will find out that Barbra has sustained a head injury and doesn't remember who she is.

John Travolta will finish getting dressed to attend the ceremony, despite having had spent the last few years not doing anything remotely of acclaim. He'll nod to himself in the mirror, and say, "time to go, Julio Telesta."

Mullan and Kapoor will meet with their designated enforcers in the theater. Marisa Tomei and Tommy Lee Jones are going to be ensuring that nothing gets out of hand. "By the way, this includes run-time of winners speeches," Mullan will say.

"No it doesn't," Jones will reply back.

Tomei will agree. "We're here to kick butt and take names if anyone makes a scene. Not keep you on a schedule."

Stars will start to arrive on the red carpet. Gushing entertainment journalists will take the chance to talk to them. Onlookers will hope some of them are in the mood to come over to the stanchion lines and say hello. 

Despite being a musician and not an actor, let alone being nominated, Bjork will arrive, wearing an outfit consisting of studded ripped jeans, psychedelic halter top, faux-yak scarf, and cowboy hat. Fashion journalists will pronounce her the style maven of the year.

Katherine Heigl will arrive with her wife, Katherine Heigl. The narcissists have been together for years, after this dimension's Katherine Heigl crossed worlds to find the one true love of her life- herself- and brought the other Katherine Heigl into this one. And ever since then, they've spent time making a scene of themselves at every opportunity, being exhibitionists along the way. They'll go down the red carpet, making out and fondling each other, while others wonder how they scored an invite.

In Canada, legendary Mountie Inspector Lars Ulrich will wrap things up for the day at his detachment in Alberta, fresh off beating up Mechagodzilla and making it cry. He will sleep well knowing that there is not a single entertainment reporter in the country.

Barbra Streisand will be examined by doctors in a hospital in LA. The doctors will be astonished by her amnesia, and will hope it's permanent. Her husband James Brolin will be outside waiting and wondering. "Guess we're not making it to the Oscars," he'll say to no one.

Jack Nicholson's corpse will be in its customary front row position, flanked to either side and in the row behind it by a team of seat fillers. He'll be wearing his customary sunglasses and tuxedos, with his face stuck in that half smirk of his. The seat fillers will make a point of breathing shallowly to lessen the experience of the embalming scent.

Will Smith will be watching the red carpet arrivals on television. "Hey, Jada, honey? If I hadn't lost my temper, that would be us right about now. Jada?"

Jada will be too busy screwing her son's best friend upstairs to hear.

Leonardo DiCaprio will arrive for the ceremony, with the latest twenty four year old model he's been dating on his arm. He'll look around the slowly filling theater, and see Marisa Tomei down near the stage with Tommy Lee Jones. He'll start shaking in fear. Tomei will turn, see him, smirk, and run a finger across her throat in a threatening way, and then point at him. Leonardo will stifle the need to cry.

In a warehouse a few blocks away from the theatre, Tom Cruise will have assembled a crack team of wannabe actors spending their time as waiters, and Scott Baio. He'll explain the intricate details of his plans to break into the Oscars. It will involve most of them causing mayhem and chaos and distracting security in the efforts to lead them away. All while he gets in from the side. "Operation Distraction can't fail," he'll say. "I've got a guy on the inside, and he's going to get me in the back door."

"Maybe we should just watch the ceremony on television," Baio will say.

"Shut up, Chachi!" Cruise will snap at him.

Jimmy Kimmel will open the ceremony with a monologue that will speak to the elephant in the room by making fun of Jack Nicholson's corpse on full display. "Come on, guys, this is not Moscow, and he's not Lenin."

Somewhere in hell, Jack Nicholson will fume.

John Travolta will laugh, and say to the person next to him, "Jerry Norbert isn't Lando? Who'd have thought?"

In hospital, Barbra Streisand will continue to put up with the examination by doctors, absently saying from time to time, "I feel like there's somewhere I should be."

Cruise, Baio, and the rest of the team will head in the direction of the theater. Cruise will not be looking like himself. He'll have taken a page out of the Mission Impossible movies and be wearing a prosthetic mask to pass himself as someone else. Someone who looks remarkably like the actor Julian Sands, who disappeared last year on a hike, and whose remains were found months later.

The first award will be handed out. The winner will start giving their speech. After about thirty seconds, the orchestra will start playing music in an attempt to get them to cut it short. "Come on, guys, we're not doing that," they will tell the conductor. The conductor will back off and give in. It will be the benchmark for the rest of the evening.

Cruise will split up with his cohorts, sending them to the red carpet. They have explicit instructions, and a time to do so. Cruise will duck down a back alley. "Can I come with you?" Baio will ask.

"No, Chachi!" will come the sharp reply.

"That's not the only role I did!" Baio will protest.

Chris Rock will saunter on stage to present an award, basking in the goodwill of the audience after being so graceful in the aftermath of the Will Smith debacle. "Ladies and gentleman, and Will and Jada watching at home..." he'll say, grinning at the camera and waving.

At home, Smith will feel despondent, wondering why he let his life fall apart like this.

Jada will be too busy in the basement, fornicating with the chauffeur.

John Travolta will laugh, and say, "Werner Simmons and Josie Pesco-Simmons must be regretting that whole night."

Baio and company will be posted near the red carpet, waiting for the cue. They'll receive the expected text, and as one will stride out onto the red carpet, bypassing the stanchion line and annoying the onlookers. "Shave the whales!" Baio will announce.

"We're here with the Shave The Whales Society!" another of the group will loudly say as the group as a whole chant Shave The Whales repeatedly.

"Did you know whales can't grip a razor, and can't shave? For just twenty dollars a day, you can help the Shave The Whales Society set up ocean barbershops to help the whales live a better, smooth shaved life," Baio will tell onlookers.

Word will quickly reach the security team lead about a bizarre group of protesters outside.

While the Oscars security team comes out and shuffles off the Shave The Whales protesters, Tom Cruise will take his chance and head deeper into the side alley, unseen. He'll advance to an access door for the theatre, and knock twice. The door will open, and his inside man- an usher who thinks Mission Impossible is real- will let him in. Cruise will navigate his way through the back stage to find a spot to wait until he feels the time is right to take the stage.

Scott Baio and the rest of the Shave The Whales Society will be drummed off by security, with Baio protesting, "Come on! You can't do this to Chachi!"

Doctors will tell James Brolin that his wife may recover her memory shortly- or never. "It's a fifty fifty chance, either way," the assessment will come.

Brolin will nod. "Can you do anything to keep her from singing?"

The ceremony will carry on. Speeches will go on and on without end.  People will find themselves dozing off in the seats. Mullan and Kapoor will realize that they are already four hours behind schedule, and will wonder if this year will mark the longest Oscars ever.

Kimmel will make his two hundred and fifteenth Barbieheimer joke of the night.

Cruise will wonder if he should come out of hiding and make his grand entrance on stage yet.

The March of the Dead, in which the Hollywood dead of the last year are shown on screen, will commence. Those who are known will be met by applause. Cinematographers and screenwriters will be met with 'who is that again' confusion from the audience.

At some point during the March of the Dead, a video clip of Julian Sands will be shown, along with the subtitle 'we're sorry for that whole disappeared thing we did last year for him'. The apology will set off a controversy about how out of touch it seems.

John Travolta will sigh and say, "that wasn't quite thought out, was it? Poor Jim Styles dies alone on a mountain, and the Academy fumbles it two years in a row."

At home, Will Smith will be watching, and will be outraged when his face appears, and the subtitle 'Will Smith's career is still dead' is seen below it. "Baby? Jada? They're saying my career is still over," he will call out to no one.

Jada won't hear, as she's down in the basement screwing the gardener.

Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling will present an award together, and make a casual remark about how viral the whole Barbieheimer thing has gone in the last few months. The camera will cut to Chris Nolan, who's gotten a little tired of the Kimmel remarks all evening long.

In the hospital, James Brolin will sit at the bedside of Barbra Streisand and tell her they're married. "We are?" she'll say. "I don't remember."

"Don't worry, there's video," he'll say. "You like having your life documented, and that was a big day."

"What do we do for a living?" she'll ask. 

He'll shrug. "We're sort of retired."

Jennifer Lawrence will head to the stage to present an award. True to form, she'll trip and fall over with odd grace. This is in keeping with her secret kink- she gets off on tripping in public.

John Travolta will nod. "Wouldn't be an Oscars if Jessie Logan didn't fall."

Scott Baio will be booked by police for causing a disturbance, along with the rest of the Shave the Whales Society. "This is a mistake! You've gotta call Tom Cruise! He put us up to this! Don't you get it? I'm Chachi! You can't do this to me!"

Tom Cruise will realize that the ceremonies must be coming close to an end, given that they're into some of the big categories. "Here goes nothing," he'll say, and head out of his hiding area back stage.

Leonardo DiCaprio will hear the nominees start to be called out for Best Actor. His name will not be on the list, but out of nowhere, he'll sum up some courage, get up, walk towards the stage, and take the stage. "I have something to say!" he'll exclaim.

Off to the right, Tommy Lee Jones and Marisa Tomei will start moving to intercept.

Tom Cruise will be emerging from back stage left, and show himself to the audience. "I have something to say too!"

People will gasp, seeing that with the mask, he looks just like the deceased Julian Sands- only shorter. Jones will assess his height inside of a second and realize it's an imposter, and also that it has to be Tom Cruise from the sound of his voice.

John Travolta will be oblivious to the truth, as he is oblivious to calling people by their actual names. "Jim Styles is alive?"

Cruise will tear off his Julian Sands mask and stride forward onto the stage towards DiCaprio. "I'm more important than you! Get out of my way!"

"You get out of my way!" DiCaprio will fire back. Neither of them will notice Jones and Tomei closing in on them from behind DiCaprio.

Streisand will wake up suddenly in the hospital bed and sit upright. "I remember everything! James, what day is it?" She'll look up at a television screen as Brolin wakes up from a nap in a nearby chair. The muted screen will be showing the Academy Awards. Streisand will realize she's missing attending the Oscars yet again. She will begin to scream. The scream will be heard as far away as San Francisco, and register on the Richter scale.

At their current residence somewhere in California, with their non-existent kids nowhere to be found, Meghan and Harry will be watching. Meghan will be fuming. "I should be best actress. I should be queen."

Harry will be smoking some dope. "What was that, Megs?"

Cruise and DiCaprio's confrontation will be interrupted by Jones and Tomei, who will begin beating both of them up. Jones will throttle Cruise, while Tomei will kick the hell out of Leonardo DiCaprio.

John Travolta will laugh at the spectacle, and exclaim, "Teddy Curtis and Lowry Denny can't fight worth a damn."

Best Actor will be named, and Cillian Murphy will accept the award.

The Best Picture will be awarded. Chris Nolan and the entire Oppenheimer team will graciously take the stage and thank everyone for the award. Their remarks and celebration will add another twenty seven minutes to the running time of the ceremony. 

Will Smith will be passed out on the couch at home, while Jada will be upstairs, banging the chauffeur again.

The ceremony will end, ten hours past its expected end time, with morning rush hour traffic in L.A. already gone and done. The guests will file out, heading for limos to go home and sleep it all off. Jones and Tomei, having had beaten the crap out of the usual suspects, will shake hands, having had a good time, and part ways. 

In a hospital a few blocks away, Tom Cruise will be treated for a broken arm, two broken legs, multiple contusions and bruises, and a strained back. He'll get a look at his reflection and gasp. "My face... my beautiful face!"

A few rooms away, doctors will be treating Leonardo DiCaprio for broken ribs, a broken nose, a groin injury, and a fat lip. He'll be heard crying hysterically from outside. "Marisa Tomei hurt me again!"

The Academy Awards Ordeal

The Oscars are coming up this weekend. I of course will not be watching, as I'd rather go hang around with angry vipers than watch that. But it's been a tradition in my blog for some years now to write about how the night should go. As always, I'm working my own continuity into it, particularly events from previous years. 

Confused? You will be.

120 hours before the Oscars are set to kick off, fans will be already camping out around the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles, awaiting the big event. They will spend their time speculating on who's going to win, who's going to wear something ridiculous, and who's going to throw a tantrum. Along with that, they'll be annoying local shops by asking if they can use their restrooms, and keeping the Ubereats drivers busy.

The producers, Ricky Kirshner and Glenn Weiss, will meet with ABC network executives. They will promise that this year they'll have the ceremony done on time.

The ABC president will sigh, and reply, "whatever you say."

2 days before the ceremony, at a funeral home in the greater Los Angeles area, morticians will undertake the annual touch ups of the late Jack Nicholson, who died during an Oscars several years ago, and whose will stipulates he must be present in the front row of every Oscars until the end of time. They're used to this by now, of course, but the annual digging up of the corpse is, admittedly, still a weird thing to do.

Leonardo DiCaprio will be attending a therapy session with his psychologist, who will be trying to get to the bottom of two things: his deathly fear of Marisa Tomei, and why he can't date a woman past her twenty fifth birthday. "Leo," the psychologist will say. "This has become a meme, you know."

"You don't understand!" Leo will say. "I can't date women my own age! They remind me... they remind me of her! And she causes me pain!"

"Leo," the psychologist will say, "Marisa Tomei isn't here..."

"Don't say her name!!!!!!" DiCaprio will insist.

The psychologist will write notes: Tom Cruise Syndrome.

After last year's fiasco in which Will Smith, winner of the Best Actor, had earlier in the night struck comedian Chris Rock, there will be much speculation in the days ahead of the ceremony as to how the matter will be handled. After all, Smith has been banned from attending for ten years because of that fiasco.

Chris Rock, who's done quite well for himself since in terms of general sympathy from the public, will still be enjoying the spotlight after his recent stand up show where he poked more fun at Will and Jada Smith.

In an effort to keep the world's biggest ego from attending, Weiss and Kirshner will arrange with her doctor to have Barbra Streisand booked into hospital for an emergency rhinoplasty the day before the ceremony. Once inside, she will be put under anaesthesia of a sufficient amount to keep her sleeping for the next thirty six hours.

On the morning of the ceremony, Weiss and Kirshner will meet with their host, Jimmy Kimmel, returning to host for a third time. He will assure them, while crossing fingers behind his back, that he'll do everything in his power to keep the show's run time from going over the expected time.

Tom Cruise, barred from attending by a restraining order after multiple years of insane stunts and break-ins for previous Oscars ceremonies just to call attention to himself, will be fuming at home. "I'm a producer too! When Top Gun Maverick wins Best Picture, I should be there!"

He will unleash this year's plan to break in.

Weiss and Kirshner will meet with their designated enforcers, the only two people in the ceremony allowed to inflict violence: Tommy Lee Jones and Marisa Tomei, who have generally done their job well- but last year when that whole Chris Rock and Will Smith thing happened, were occupied with other matters. Weiss and Kirshner will stress the need to keep things in good order in case things go off the rails. Jones will reply, "it's the Oscars. Of course it's going to go off the rails."

At home, Will Smith will be watching hours of pre-ceremony footage, feeling sorry for himself. After all, no one's been calling to cast him in any roles since that whole little dust up last year, and he's wondering if they ever will. "Jada, honey?" he'll call out. His wife, upstairs boinking the pool boy, won't respond.

Jack Nicholson's corpse will be placed in his usual spot in the front row. A group of seat fillers, specifically paid extra by Weiss and Kirshner to keep him company, will take their places around him.

At home, John Travolta will be busy getting ready to go out. Fixing his tie and looking into a mirror, he'll say, "now come on, Joseph Tarrington, don't keep getting people's names wrong all night."

Weiss and Kirshner, going over last minute details, will come to that point when, discussing the March of the Dead sequence, whether or not they should include the actor Julian Sands, who disappeared while hiking in January and whose body hasn't been found yet. "Rick, look, it's respectful," Weiss will say.

"Yeah, but what if he's still out there somewhere, maybe an amnesiac?" Kirshner will suggest.

"This isn't a soap opera," Weiss will point out. "Look, let's just flip a coin and settle it that way."

The arrival of stars on the red carpet will begin. Entertainment reporters, being gushing idiots by nature, will ask, "so who are you wearing?" Actors will either sigh and move on, or if they love the attention, will answer. Onlookers will wonder who that person is, not knowing that they're nominated for Best Director this year.

Chris Rock will make his way through the gauntlet, smiling, as content with life as he can be.

At home, Jada Pinkett Smith, fresh from boinking the pool boy, will be sitting down with her husband. She will see Rock on screen. Will Smith will look sheepish while she glares at him. "Baby! I hit him last year!"

At an undisclosed location, Cruise will be busy preparing his secret plan to get into the Oscars. Instead of some elaborate highly dangerous scheme involving several desperate waiter-actors and a washed up Chachi, this year he's going to resort to a different kind of Mission Impossible technique, courtesy of a prosthetic make up artist.

Going in masked, as his character from Tropic Thunder: Les Grossman.

James Brolin will arrive for the event, despite not having had been in any film worth mentioning in a few years. Reporters will ask him where his wife is. "Barbra? Oh, um, I think she's getting a nose job done."

In hospital, Streisand, still under the influence of anaesthesia, will stir. Somewhere deep inside she'll feel like she's supposed to be somewhere else.

At their California residence, Harry and Meghan will be home, having had not scored an invitation to the Oscars. Harry will be trying to go through the budget, despite not having much of a brain for it. It will escape him that at the rate the Sussexes are spending money, they'll be broke in two years. Meghan, meanwhile, will be watching closely, in between writing notes on her laptop in regards to her secret project: Depose Charles 2025.

The seat filler to the right of Jack Nicholson's corpse will wonder if he just moved.

John Travolta will arrive at the ceremony, spending time on the red carpet, even though he hasn't made anything really worth critical attention lately. He'll chat with entertainment reporters, consistently getting their name wrong, and look over his shoulder as Bjork passes by, wearing a combination of purple tuxedo, fake muskrat on her head, and firework cane. "Hey! Did you see her? That's Beryl!"

Cruise will be impatient as the makeup artist finishes up touches on his Les Grossman prosthetic makeup. He'll already have the body padding on under his oversized tuxedo, and his shoes have lifts to give him an extra three inches of height. Nearby, Scott Baio will be watching, with nothing else to do. "You sure you don't need me to come with you?" 

"Shut up, Chachi!" Cruise will snap at him.

Chris Rock will chat with Tommy Lee Jones and Marisa Tomei, asking them to be close by when he's on stage. "Just in case we get another incident. But believe me, all I'm going to do is take a shot or two at the Smiths tonight."

"That's fine," Jones will say. "It's not as if I'm ever going to do another Men In Black film with him anyway, and that was pretty funny last year."

Tomei will nod. "We were falling about laughing."

Katherine Heigl and her wife Katherine Heigl will arrive at the red carpet. Ever since the two met while this reality's Katherine Heigl was searching alternate realities for her soulmate- herself- the two have made a spectacle of themselves by being exhibitionists, not to mention raising concerns about the ethical considerations of breaching the walls between worlds. The two women, finishing up work on their self-directed film When Katherine Met Katherine, will be making out as they make their way up the red carpet, despite not being in any film for years. 

The producers of the Razzies will be watching, and preparing to include the Katherines in multiple categories next year for worst of the year in films.

Leonardo DiCaprio will turn up in the auditorium with his date, a twenty four year old model whose birthday will be in July. She already knows she'll be looking for a new relationship by August. He will look around, and spot Marisa Tomei down near the stage with Tommy Lee Jones. He will start to tremble.

Marisa will turn, look across the crowd, and see DiCaprio. She'll smile in that sweet way of hers, and then draw one finger across her throat to mimic a throat being cut- and point directly at him.

DiCaprio will feel a deep sense of panic overtake him.

The ceremonies will get underway. Jimmy Kimmel will do a combination of movie outtakes with himself inserted before he actually appears on stage and starts poking fun at a few people along the way. Most will take it in stride. Some will mutter expletives under their breath. His remarks about Prince Harry and Meghan not being invited will be met with a loud round of laughter. 

At home, Meghan will add his name to her ever growing Revenge List.

John Travolta will laugh. "That Joey Kidder guy is hilarious!"

At home, Will Smith will look up at his Oscar on the mantle and shake his head. "I should have been there. I should have been basking in the glory. But Chris ****in' Rock made fun of my wife, and I had to go up there and smack him. Baby, I'm sorry, you're right, I'm a lousy husband.... baby?"

There will be no reply. Jada will be upstairs boinking the chauffeur.

Cruise, in character as Les Grossman, will head out of his home to a waiting limo. Scott Baio and the makeup artist will come out after him, and Baio will call out, "anything else we can do?"

Cruise will snap, "Shut up, Chachi!" He'll get in the limo.

Baio will feel sad as the limo drives off. "I was also in Charles In Charge!"

The first award will be given out. The winner will start to give their speech. After twenty seconds the orchestra will start up in an attempt to hint at the winner to hurry up. This will merely make the winner snap at the orchestra, "Don't even think about it. I've got a lot to say." 

The orchestra will stand down. This will set the tone for the evening with long acceptance speeches.

The president of ABC, who spent last year's Oscar night in hospital after getting beaten up by the winner for Best Score, won't even be bothering with trying to keep the ceremony on time. He'll simply get himself rip roaring drunk.

Will Smith will be getting drunk too, lamenting his fall from grace. Jada will come down the stairs, walking a little funny, while the chauffeur takes a back staircase out of the house. She will join her husband, glaring at him with a venomous expression. He'll feel every bit of it. "Jada, honey, I know... I know..."

"Silence, Will!" she will command.

At some point, Jennifer Lawrence will get up from the seats to head for the backstage in order to be in place to announce the winner of a category. She will trip over her own feet, part of her secret kink that she gets an erotic thrill by tripping in public.

Chris Rock will take to the stage to announce another winner. Before doing so, he'll smile, look straight at the camera, and say, "Will! Jada! How're you doing? All cozy at home? I bet you miss being here." The line will be met by a lot of laughter.

At their home, Jada will start a high pitched scream of fury that will go on without so much as a breath for three minutes. Will Smith will try to shrink into the couch, wondering what he was thinking when he decided to get married.

Tom Cruise will arrive for the ceremonies, playing the part of Les Grossman, sneering at the little people around the red carpet, his mind only on what lies ahead: revenge and retribution.

Cruise will take a seat, trying not to call attention to himself. Elsewhere in the auditorium, Travolta will look back, spot 'Les Grossman', and mutter to himself, "I've seen that guy before, right? Oh, in that film Torpid Torrent. Yeah, that's Lyle Guberman." 

Winners will continue to be announced. Losers will shake their heads and wonder who they have to bribe to win an Oscar. Winners will bask in their glory. Long speeches will be made, and the ceremony run time will fall further behind.

Leonardo DiCaprio will find himself torn. On the one hand he'll be already planning how to dump his current girlfriend the night before her birthday. On the other, he'll be sneaking glances over at Tomei and Jones, trembling in fear over what she might do to him.

The March of the Dead will commence, featuring video clips of those actors, directors, writers, and other notable members of the film world who have died in the last year. People will applaud for deceased actors. They will ask "who's that" in regards to dead cinematographers. Among the actors being commemorated will be Julian Sands, with footage from A Room With A View, and disappeared in brackets following his name. This will become known as one of Oscar history's most awkward moments.

In a small non-descript town in the American West, a place given to endless stories of betrayal, romance, evil twins, the seemingly rapid aging of children into young adulthood, villains who never get their comeuppance, and cliffhangers every day, a recently arrived stranger with a British accent and a raging case of amnesia, will look up at a television screen in a hospital and see his own face. "Wonder who that bloke is."

At a given point, video footage of Will Smith striking Chris Rock with the caption Will Smith's career, will be displayed among the dead. This will get much laughter from the audience. 

At home, Will Smith will get yelled at by Jada.

Chris Rock, sitting in the audience, will find the reference to Will Smith's career hilarious.

John Travolta will shrug, and say to the person sitting nearby, "I guess Walter Sutton's never going to find a gig in this town again, huh?"

In hospital, Barbra Streisand will wake up, realize she's late for the Oscars, and start throwing a fit.

Meghan will turn and tell Harry that she wants an Oscar. "Now, Harry, now!" she'll snap at him.

Weiss and Kirshner will be backstage, trying to figure out how the ceremony is running seven hours past its expected time.

Jones and Tomei will be scanning the audience from their position. Jones will feel as if someone who's not supposed to be here is in fact here.

Tom Cruise will bide his time, sweating a bit under the prosthetic mask, wondering when he can make his move.

At home, Will Smith will pass out from having had too much to drink. Jada will be upstairs, boinking the gardener.

Barbra Streisand will find out that the Oscars ceremony is nearly over and she won't have enough time to get to the auditorium anyway. She will glare at the doctor, yelling, "Do you know who I am??????"

The doctor will smirk, turn to a nurse, and say, "She doesn't know who she is."

Streisand will scream even more at being insulted.

The ceremony will carry on. The awkward point where Best Actress, usually presented by the winner of the Best Actor award from the previous year, will be lacking that, what with Will Smith being banned from attending. Instead, the producers will rely on an old standby. Warren Beatty will present the award, and promise that this time he won't screw up on naming the winner.

Tom Cruise will select his moment to get up and reveal himself: precisely the moment when the nominees for Best Actor begin to be read.

Leonardo DiCaprio will try to summon up the courage to shut down his fears. 

Scott Baio will find his way home, feeling sorry for himself. "It's not fair!" he'll tell mutter to himself as he parks in the garage. "I was supposed to be somebody! They said the happy days would last forever, but they didn't, and every time I try to call Ron Howard or Henry Winkler, they tell me to go **** myself."

Barbra Streisand's agent will take a call from her, hearing her shrieks of outrage at being prevented from attending the Oscars again. "Do they know who I am????"

The agent will wonder if it's time to retire and stop taking calls from this egomaniac who hasn't done anything of note in years.

Jessica Chastain will come out on stage to present the Best Actor award. In the audience, nominees Colin Farrell, Austin Butler, Brendan Fraser, Bill Nighy, and Paul Mescal will all be hoping they don't screw up their acceptance speech if they win.

Before Chastain can say a word, two things will happen all at once. Two voices will call out, "wait!" at the same time, from two parts of the auditorium. One will be Leonardo DiCaprio, standing up from his seat over to the left. The other will be Tom Cruise, still in Les Grossman attire, further back but near centre. 

"There's something I have to say!" DiCaprio will exclaim, heading towards the stage. 

Cruise will yell, "me first!" At this point he will tear off the Les Grossman mask and throw it to the ground.

John Travolta will say, "Lubbock Gaerity is actually Travis Carruthers??"

DiCaprio will stride towards the stage, apparently not noticing Marisa Tomei and Tommy Lee Jones starting to move. He'll take the mike and start to speak. "I've been treated really unfairly, you know...."

Cruise will jump onto the stage, pushing at DiCaprio. "No one's been treated as unfairly as I have! You have no idea! But now everyone's going to listen to me..." DiCaprio will grab Cruise by the collar and the two will begin to struggle.

At this point Tomei and Jones will be on stage and will pull the two combatants apart. DiCaprio will turn, see Tomei there, and she will promptly deliver a punch aimed square at his nose, breaking it. Jones, for his part, will strike Cruise in the face twice, sending him flying.

This will be followed by further mayhem, violence, and a good deal of crying.

The Oscars ceremony will wrap up eight and a half hours after it was supposed to. The Best Picture will not be presented to Top Gun Maverick, which didn't even deserve to be nominated.

Guests will depart out into the glaring light of day, exhausted by the ordeal of attending this thing every year.

James Brolin will return home to find his wife Barbra Streisand fuming as he comes in. "Where were you????" she will scream. 

Marisa Tomei and Tommy Lee Jones will take their leave of the auditorium after another evening of Oscar enforcing, looking none the worse for wear. "Same time next year?" Jones will ask. Tomei will nod.

At a hospital not far from the auditorium, Tom Cruise will be treated for broken ribs, fractures in both legs, multiple bruises and contusions. He will only be able to utter incomprehensible nonsense, aside from "stop hurting me" three times a minute.

In another room at the same hospital, DiCaprio will be treated for a broken nose, whiplash, broken ribs, and a broken arm. He'll be heard by staff from outside the room yelling, "Marisa Tomei causes pain!!! Keep her away from me!!! She broke my nose again!"