It has been a long while since I last featured the perspective of that vile, delusional, hoping for the impossible sports fan otherwise known as a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Yes, that demented fool, part of a pack of likewise demented fools calling themselves Leafs Nation, still believing that this year is going to be their year. All while oblivious to the fact that no, it won't be.
9:12 AM. Awake at home. Took the day off. Told the boss to go **** himself, that there are more important things to do today than my job. Well, that's not quite the ****in' way I put it, but let's just say I called in sick.
A big day. The New York ****in' Rangers are in town tonight, and our Leafs are gonna win, baby! Woooo!!!!!!!!!!
9:38 AM. Gettin' ready for the big game. Got my jersey all ready to wear and go. Got my double vax done and taken care of. Not that I believe in any of that vax bull****, it's just that the arena is insistin' on it, and I'm a ****in' big time Leafs fan. So of course I got ****in' vaxxed.
10:02 AM. Mornin' breakfast of eggs, bacon, and maple syrup. The maple's for good luck tonight for the boys. Don't let us down, boys. This is our first step to winnin' the Stanley Cup. We're long overdue.
10:15 AM. Still feel like gripin' about how last year's playoffs went. One, because of those stupid ass ****in' restrictions, I didn't get to see one game in person. Who the **** got to see a game live? Some stupid ass ****in' essential ****in' health care workers! Who gives a **** about them?
But that's not the ****in' point. The point is those Montreal Canadiens beat our boys in that first round. That's enough of a humiliation. What made it even worse is they went all the way to the ****in' finals. They coulda won the Stanley Cup!
And that's unacceptable, you ****in' hear me? We can't be in this extended ****in' drought for more than half a century and let that happen.
10:20 AM. .... I mean, come on! It had to have been some big conspiracy! Someone up high in the NHL must have it in for the Leafs, and so they're goin' outta their ****in' way to keep our boys out of the finals, and hurt us even more by havin' the Montreal ****in' Canadiens beat our boys in the first round! That hurts! That's like a ****in' wound in the ****in' heart, man!
11:35 AM. Watchin' some of my Don Cherry Rock 'Em Sock 'Em videos. The guy is my mentor in life. Tells it like it is, pisses off the libs. Smartest guy I know. He should be the coach of the Leafs. Anyway, the way they booted him out of being a commentator? Totally ****in' wrong. Who gives a **** if he's a ****in' racist? I don't!
2:48 PM. Harry and Jack show up early. Hey, boys! Big game tonight! Are you ready? I'm ****in' ready!
4:21 PM. Me and Jack and Harry get in a cab to head downtown to catch the game. Step on it, pal, we got a lot of pre-game drinkin' to get done before the big game! Don't give me that look. We're not about to throw up in your cab. We'll do that after the game.
5:03 PM. Gettin' into the bar before the game. Hey! Beer here!
6:38 PM. In the arena on our way to our seats. I'll tell you, boys, there's nothin' as great as watchin' the greatest team in the history of ****in' forever on the way to winnin' the Stanley Cup and bringin' it on home where it belongs. Nothin'!
7:04 PM. Anthem time. They've done that Star Spangled Whatever. Now it's time for our anthem. Ready, boys?
O Maple Leafs, We will kick Habs ass too....
7:07 PM. Almost time for the game.... puck drop about to happen, here we go, boys! Get 'em!!!!!
7:08 PM. Boys, I don't get it. How the **** did they score on us?
7:48 PM. End of the first period. Rangers ahead nine to zero. Geez, Leafs, you gotta get your head in the game here, boys....
8:27 PM. How the **** can the Rangers be ahead 15 to 0? Is there some kinda ****in' conspiracy here? Hey, ref! Are you ****in' blind? Give those mother****ers some penalties! They're makin' us look bad!
8:59 PM. In between the second and third periods. Starin' at myself in the bathroom mirror. Tryin' to understand how the ****in' Rangers have scored twenty one goals tonight and our boys haven't scored one. Are the refs bein' bribed???
9:33 PM. Watchin' them score again on our boys. This hurts. This hurts way down deep. This was supposed to be our night. This was supposed to be our year. And it's happening again... it's all happening again.
9:36 PM. Another goal???? Come on, Campbell, pay attention! They're murderin' us tonight! You hear me??? Murderin' us!
9:40 PM. One of those event medics stop by and asks if I'm all right. Do I look all right? My boys are gettin' humiliated out there, and it's drivin' me ****in' nuts! Get the **** away from me!
10:01 PM. Final score, 27 to 0. Boys? We gotta get outta here. I need a drink. Or ten.
10:23 PM. Harry and Jack and me get into the bar. Lots of downcast faces. It hurts, man, it hurts. You know what, boys? I've said it before, but I mean it this time.
I'm done rootin' for a team that keeps ****in' up and breakin' my heart over and over again. Every ****in' year.
**** the Leafs!
11:35 PM. Me and Harry and Jack have been drinkin' for the last hour. Talkin' it over. You know, it has to be a conspiracy. The League is out to get them. That's it. Yeah, that's it. **** what I said earlier. You know, that thing about **** the Leafs? Forget that.
This was a bad night. We'll get past it. The boys will get past it.
As long as we all believe in them.
You with me, boys?
12:03 AM. I try hittin' on some babe in the bar. Tell her I'm in tight with the Leafs.
She tells me to go **** myself and walks away.
Must be a Rangers fan.
12:15 AM. The bartender ushers us out of the bar. Don't worry, we'll be back here tomorrow night. Because drinkin' is the best way of havin' fun.
No, I don't have a problem managing my booze. I love my booze.
12:39 AM. Back home, Only threw up twice in the cab. Staggerin' in the front door, collapsing on the couch. Geez, I'm gonna have a big ass mother****in' hangover in the mornin'.
But that's okay.
Because I love the Leafs.
And the Leafs love me.
Go Leafs go!