A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time once more for the perspective of the dog and the cat. As always, the hound gets to talk first.

7:12 AM. Waking up at home. Dreamed of chasing a groundhog over and over and over and over and over again. 

7:17 AM. Staring out the front windows at the pre-dawn. Looks pretty cold out there. I’ll be glad to get out for a run. But first things first, of course. Breakfast must be my top priority. Speaking of which, should I be patient and wait for the human to come downstairs, or head up and make inquiries through barking?

7:19 AM. After some consideration on the matter, I have chosen to be patient and behave myself and be a good dog and just wait. Because I am a good dog. A very good dog. Just as long as you don’t ask the mayor or mailman or vet for their opinion, because between you and me, they’re all liars.

7:26 AM. The human comes downstairs. I wag my tail. Hello, human! Fine day, isn’t it?

7:28 AM. The human obliges me by pouring a big bowl of kibbles in my bowl. Thumping my tail in anticipation of my impending breakfast…

7:29 AM. Licking my chops after devouring breakfast. Boy, was that good. Yum yum yum!

7:30 AM. Inquiring with the human about letting me out. It’s time for my run, after all.

7:38 AM. Sprinting through the back fields, barking my head off. Lots of fresh powder all over the place. Nice and cold. Feels good to be out and about. 

7:45 AM. Trotting through the woods. Movement in the snow up ahead. Is it…? Yes it is. It’s that damned squirrel!

7:46 AM. Chasing the infernal vermin through the woods. Get back here!

7:47 AM. The despicable squirrel has successfully evaded my chase by climbing a tree. He’s up on a branch right now chattering away, taunting me. Hey! Why don’t you come say that to my face, you little bastard????

7:51 AM. Pacing around the tree, listening to that vile dirtbag going on and on. He’s laughing at me! Count yourself lucky that dogs can’t climb trees, you glorified rat, because if I could, I’d be up there right now making your life into a living hell!

8:23 AM. Continuing to pace. Looking up. The squirrel is sticking his tongue out at me. That results in more barking from me.

8:39 AM. Okay, he’s obviously never going to come down here. And I can’t stay out here all day. I’ve got better things to do with my time. Like naps and mooching. Okay, you little bastard… you might have gotten lucky today. But luck runs out. And guess what? When yours runs out… that’s when I’ll be there. And that’s when you’ll regret ever getting on my bad side.

8:40 AM. Walking away from the scene. Hearing the squirrel continue to chatter away and laugh at me. Cursing the day he was born. Vowing revenge. Nobody teases Loki and lives to brag to their friends about it!

8:52 AM. Returning home. Barking to alert the human to my presence.

8:53 AM. Let in by the human, but not before she applies the Towel of Torment to my fur.

8:58 AM. Circling around three times on the living room floor before settling down for a nap. I need it after the morning I’ve had. Hopefully my dreams shall consist of revenge plans upon that despicable squirrel. Oh, how I hate squirrels… 

11:44 AM. Waking up. Glancing at the clock. Oh, good, I haven’t missed lunch.

12:05 PM. Mooching from the human while she’s having lunch. A ham and cheese sandwich really hits the spot.

1:31 PM. Out on the front lawn, barking at the mailman as he drives off after leaving a few things in the mailbox. Get lost, you evil villain! Don’t you ever come back here again!

3:29 PM. The human is having tea. She’s been kind enough to give me a tea biscuit. My patented sad eyes expression certainly helped that.

5:02 PM. The Weather Network is on. One of the meteorologists is chattering on about how Groundhog Day is coming. That probably explains a lot about my strange dreams. Human? Why do humans rely on a rodent for weather predictions? Isn’t that just a bit, I don’t know…. Silly?

6:31 PM. Dinner with the human. She’s provided me with some nice tasty chunks of roast beef. I don’t know why she’d want to eat hers with potatoes and carrots, but then again, humans can be a bit strange, can’t they?

8:53 PM. Lying on my back in the living room, pondering the aerodynamics and maximum velocity of a squirrel in top speed. How do I compensate for that? 

11:37 PM. The human is off to bed. Very well, human. Good night. Sleep well. On the off chance that you hear a storm of barking downstairs at four in the morning, it’ll be because that despicable squirrel decided to pay a visit to our windowsill and stick his tongue out at me.