Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, December 22, 2014

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

Some links before we get ourselves started today. Norma had a post with some holiday ad work for three of her ebooks. Yesterday having had been a Sunday, we had a Snippet Sunday post. Krisztina had some words of wisdom. And Lorelei had an unusual subject for a point of view.

Now then, time for the cat to give us her divine opinion on Christmas.

7:27 AM. Slowly waking up. Had dreams of masses of Christmas wrapping paper for me to destroy. Boxes to hide in. It was such a lovely dream.

7:38 AM. Well, good morning, staff. It's about time you show up. How about you get me some breakfast, post haste?

7:43 AM. Yet again, the staff disappoints me with field rations. I turn away from my dish and ardently demand to be let outside instead.

8:07 AM. Sitting out on the back porch brooding. Off in the distance I can hear the barking of that annoying mutt from down the road. What purposes dogs serve in the greater scheme of things is a mystery to me.

8:25 AM. Oh, for the love of Isis! That annoying mutt's on my property!

8:26 AM. The annoying mutt ambles towards me with that stupid lopsided grin of his and his tongue stuck out. Merry Christmas indeed? I don't think so! I'll never trust a dog!

8:27 AM. For some inexplicable reason, the annoying mutt licks me!

Ewwwww! I've got dog germs all over me! Who knows where that tongue has been?

I take a swipe at his snout and hiss my disapproval.

8:28 AM. Expressing in absolute terms my contempt and dislike of dogs to the annoying mutt. He seems confused. Dogs are usually confused about many things. Get off my property, you mongrel!

8:29 AM. Finally the dog leaves. Peace on earth? Like I'd ever believe a dog's word on anything!

8:35 AM. Back inside. I express my disdain for dogs to the staff. I inform her that under no circumstances is she to ever bring one into the house.

8:42 AM. I reluctantly eat some of the field rations.

11:38 AM. Waking up out of nap. Feeling refreshed.

11:41 AM. Finding the staff up in the bedroom wrapping things. Staff, you had better not be thinking of inviting those annoying relatives over for Christmas dinner, because I really have no interest in hiding all day from those rugrats you call nephews and nieces.

11:48 AM. The staff mentions that she'll be having Christmas dinner over at her sister's place tomorrow. 

I see I'm to be left to my own devices then.

Did you at least get me a new scratching post for Christmas?

12:10 PM. Continuing to supervise the staff in her wrapping presents. Staff, I expect you to leave one box behind. That's my box, and I fully expect to be making use of it. It doesn't matter which box it is, or what size it is, but a box must be left for the cat as a tribute and trophy. Is that understood?

2:45 PM. Having tea with the staff. Well, milk from a saucer for me, and she's having tea. For some reason a chocolate scone is off limits for me. Why don't they make catnip scones, staff?

4:15 PM. Checking Christmas related things out online while the staff is baking. This mistletoe and its implications that humans must play tonsil hockey if they meet beneath it baffles me. Many things about humans baffle me. Such as why they think field rations is a perfectly acceptable breakfast for cats.

4:22 PM. Musing on the notion of catnip in place of mistletoe. What if two cats met under a sprig of catnip and started clawing each other out of a fit of catnip induced psychosis?

6:05 PM. Supper hour news. It seems the former Toronto mayor turned city councilor got drunk and stumbled into a Catholic Christmas Eve mass while wearing a Santa suit and yelling Bruce Willis's tagline from Die Hard at the priest.

Some humans do nothing else but waste perfectly good oxygen.

7:05 PM. Dinner with the staff. Stewing beef dipped in gravy. Milk on the side. Tastes to die for. Staff, this is far better than your incessant need to feed me field rations for breakfast.

7:58 PM. The staff is listening to Christmas music. At least she's not putting on Feliz Navidad. Not yet, anyway, knock on wood as the expression goes.

What on earth Frosty the Snowman has to do with Christmas is beyond me...

8:37 PM. Deck the halls with boughs of catnip, fa la la la la, la la la la....

9:48 PM. Staring at the Christmas tree. Trying to refrain from my natural instinct to bat the ornaments off the tree. 

10:09 PM. Contemplating the notion of how fast Santa would be travelling around the world if he was real. Which of course he is not. Sorry for anyone who was still under that mistaken belief.

11:17 PM. National news with the staff. That drunken oaf  from Toronto is making his latest apology, swearing it'll never happen again, that it's all in the past, and people should remember to vote him back into office as mayor in four years so he can derail the gravy train. 

Staff, I find it inexplicable that there are actually human beings dumb enough to keep supporting this twit.

11:36 PM. The staff is off to bed. Big day tomorrow. I'll have to amuse myself while she's gone to see her annoying relatives. Maybe she'll be giving me a new scratching post in the morning. Doused in catnip.

Though I want the box it was in too.


  1. The cat in "NOPE" reminds me of SPAL and HB.
    Great post as always.

    cheers, parsnip

  2. Okay, NOW I'm ready for my return to work after 4 days off. :) Gotta get my kitty fix. Thanks for sharing these. lol

  3. You are a very clever man. I really enjoy these pictures and your captions! I'm sending several to a cat-loving friend of mine later today. Yesterday, my cat (Cleopatra) would not get off my desk or my lap and if I tried to use the mouse, she batted my hand with her paw. I call her a WAPITATI IWhat a pain in the ass this is!)

  4. I would be sooooo disappointed if you ever did a cat blog that didn't include at least one Grumpy Cat pic.

    What's with Catzilla?

  5. I like the 'live in the moment' philosophy! Think I'll adopt it!

  6. @Parsnip: that's not their idea of a bath!

    @Diane: thank you!

    @Lowell: in her mind, it's her desk and your lap and hand are hers to use as she sees fit.

    @Norma: there's no shortage of Grumpy Cat pics!

    @Cheryl: it's a good philosophy!

  7. Excellent, and very funny, post! Hope Cat gets his new scratching post, doused in catnip, along with the box too! The pictures had me dying:).

  8. I always knew cats could be like Lucy in Peanuts. Totally irrational when it comes to dogs.

  9. Kitty in Barbie house brings back memories. And my Boo-Boo kitty thought she was the mom of all my daughters.

  10. I loved the little baby kitten sleeping with the mama. So cute.

  11. @Maria: thanks!

    @Kelly: isn't Bill a cutie?

    @Mari: well they don't trust dogs!

    @Shelly: cats are peculiar critters!

    @Whisk: Oh, yes!

  12. Knit the cat a scarf for Christmas --

  13. Fun times! Hope you (and the cat) have a lovely holiday!


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