Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Vengeance Of The Destroyer Of Worlds

Some links before getting started today. Eve had a passage from her book Penniless Hearts. Parsnip had a mix of images at her blog. Shelly carried on with her Silly Santa story. Maria took a look at a Christmas cult classic. And Krisztina had this look at sugared cranberries.

Now then, today's post might not make a lot of sense if you haven't read this post first. And even then, it's a good idea to freshen the memory.

Producers Announce Second Version Of Peculiar Reality Show After Failure Of First Version

Los Angeles (AP) Jeff Probst and Mark Burnett, the producers of Survivor and other reality show drivel, made an announcement this week for a new program, picking up from the ashes of another reality show. Celebrity Hunt was an initiative from former producer Ryan Seacrest, currently serving a life sentence for his role in a plot for world domination undertaken by several entertainment journalism titans. The concept behind the show was to drop several washed up former celebrities on a deserted island, introduce a deadly hunter into the mix, and let nature take its course. The series never really got off the ground, however. It was reported that twenty minutes after the celebrities were dropped off on the island, all remote cameras in the vicinity were taken off line. Only one survivor, Joan Rivers, was found, floating in the Pacific Ocean and babbling about the demonic hound from hell. She never really recovered from the ordeal, passing away earlier in the year.

The remaining contestants have never been found, and the island itself was quarantined. Four members of the Kardashian family- Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, and Kris- were among their number. As were Hulk Hogan, Johnny Knoxville, Tom Arnold, Billy Ray Cyrus, Snooki, JWoww, The Situation, Jaleel White, and Michael Bolton. In the months since, not a word has been heard from any of them. Many would say that’s a good thing- a world without the Kardashians in it is much better.

Probst and Burnett appeared before the press, some of whom were real reporters, while others were entertainment reporters, and by extension, really, really stupid. Probst was spending time looking at himself in a mirror, reminding this reporter of the insufferable twit director Michael Bay. Burnett was looking smug and sanctimonious. His T-shirt read: I’m Married To Roma Downey, So I’m Right And You’re Wrong.

“It’s taken a lot of negotiation, but we’re going to be launching a new version of Celebrity Hunt,” Probst told the reporters. “It means going back to the island and finding out what really happened. Now we could send out soldiers or something like that to sort that out, but why not send out celebrities instead, have them carry cameras with them, and broadcast it to the world? What’s the worst that could happen?”

Burnett shrugged. “It’s not our fault that Seacrest dispatched Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds, onto that island to hunt the first batch of celebrities. How was he to know what would happen? I mean, the dog looks so harmless and cute, right?”

Probst nodded. “And besides, we’re not sure Fluffy really was behind whatever happened. We don’t really know what happened. All we know is that the cameras went offline and no one’s heard from anyone there since. I mean, for all we know they could be having an orgy.”

“Hey, watch what you say about that, Jeff,” Burnett told his creative partner. “I mean, I’ve got a whole lot of audience members for my religious miniseries work that would take exception to any mention of that sort of thing, you know.”

“Mark, lighten up,” Probst remarked.  “I mean come on, we’ve both produced Survivor, and that’s included naked butts of cranky players.”

“Good point,” Burnett admitted. “Anyway, so our idea, what with Seacrest being in prison... I mean, seriously, Ryan, what were you thinking, trying to take over the world? Our idea was to figure out the truth and film it with a cast of all star celebrities being dropped on that island.”

“And without further ado, let’s start bringing out our cast,” Probst told everyone. “Our first participants have a personal stake in all of this. They’re the other Kardashians, even if they’re not members of the Kardashian family. Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Kylie and Kendall Jenner!”

The two youngest daughters of the Kardashian-Jenner family came out and waved to the crowd. It’s been a rough year for the two, what with the mysterious disappearance of their mother and sisters, the grisly death of their sort of brother-in-law Kanye West, who died by fallen meteor, and their father becoming more and more mentally unstable. Regardless, they have continued to make their presence known in reality show circles, continuing to film the series Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Even if the rest of the family is gone. “Hi there,” Kylie called.

“We’re glad to be in on this,” Kendall exclaimed. “We have to find out what happened to Mom and Kim and the other two. Lots of photo ops left for all of us, you know. Plus Daddy seems to have broken into the liquor cabinet and gone on a bender.”

Burnett nodded. “Our next participant also has a personal stake in the matter at hand. Her father was one of the missing contestants in the first version. She’s had a lot of controversy coming her way in the last year, but she’s ready for a new challenge. I give you Miley Cyrus!”

Miley came out on stage, wearing what looked like a rubber bikini, sticking her tongue out, and waved to people. Then she twerked against both the Jenner sisters and grinned. “Eat your heart out, Liam!” she yelled, seemingly to her former boyfriend. “I’m gonna save my daddy and come back and they’re gonna give me a Medal of Honor for my performance!”

Probst and Burnett stared at her for a long moment, as if both were wondering if they’d made a mistake. Then Probst spoke again. “Our next participant has had some legal troubles across the world as of late, and needs something to occupy his time. We’re told he’s expecting to record a song for the soundtrack album of the series. Hopefully it’ll be less grating on the nerves than the rest of his music. Ladies and gentlemen, here’s Justin Bieber!”

The mop headed cretin stepped out on stage, waving to the crowd. “Baby baby baby!” he called in that high pitched nasal drone of his. “I’m so glad to be in on this, and it’s something that’s going to make a big impact, and I’m going to get back to big album sales and everyone falling at my feet, and being the biggest star of all time. Hey! Stop snickering!"

“Justin, just stay calm,” Burnett told him. “Now then, we’ve got other players who are going to be part of it. You’ll remember our next player from such sterling television series as Baywatch. She’s really anxious to get some attention for herself, so give a big round of applause for Pamela Anderson!”

Sure enough, she stumbled out on stage, looking half dazed. This reporter wondered if Pamela had been drinking before she came out. “Hi there! What day of the week is it?”

Probst went on. “Our next participant has been trying to get his music career back off the ground again, but thought he might do well in this kind of environment. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Axl Rose!”

The former front man of Guns N’ Roses stepped out on stage, looking rumpled and hung over. “Hello, Miami!” he bellowed.

“We’re in Los Angeles, Axl,” Burnett told him.

“We are?” Rose asked.

Burnett sighed. “Rounding out our group of celebrities, he’s our main man, our touchstone actor. He’s famous all over the world for his music and his acting, taken seriously where ever he goes. You’ve seen him in such series as Knight Rider and Baywatch. You’ve seen him in drunken binge videos eating cheeseburgers. Ladies and gentlemen, David Hasselhoff!”

A groan of dismay rose up from the reporters. Hasselhoff came out on stage, waving, oblivious to their disdain. “Hello!” he called. “Of course you had to come out and see me! Nobody hassles the Hoff, after all! Not even Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds!” He smiled in that vacant, not much going on between the ears way of his. No one has ever accused David Hasselhoff of being all that smart.

Probst smiled. “Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Celebrity Hunt. These brave men and women are going to be going all out on our mysterious island figuring out what happened to the first batch of celebrities, and running for their lives from Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds.”

Hasselhoff laughed as he and the rest of the cast left the stage with Probst and Burnett. “Oh, I’m going to be eating Fluffy for breakfast!”

Post Script: Three Weeks Later

The island now being called Isla Fluffia Destroya has been quarantined once again. Authorities have denied Mark Burnett and Jeff Probst any further opportunity to send more celebrities in. Nothing has been heard of the second set of celebrities. Flashes of video were uplinked to satellite receivers before going off line. David Hasselhoff being torn to shreds by a seven pound ball of canine fury. Screams of the Jenner sisters. And a flash of canine teeth lunging at Axl Rose’s camera. Beyond that, nothing is known. Bruce Jenner has released a statement declaring that he’s drowning his sorrow in hundred year old Scotch. Justin Bieber’s manager made a cryptic remark about being glad he had full access to the singer’s accounts.

At least we’ll never have to hear another new Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus single again.


  1. I enjoyed the whole post William but once again you save the best for last, the last image made me laugh out loud :)
    P.s. I'm not sure if it's my Aussie down to earth thing but I've never been able to understand what the 'celebrity reality' phenomenon is all about :)

  2. You made my morning, William! Oh, to be rid of the whole lot of them. Hub can't bear to see Bruce Jenner pop up on TV because he was a real athlete in his day and greatly admired. We haven't a clue what he is today! Anyway, I know people who are enthralled by the above mentioned losers and avidly follow their every movement. Eeeeeek!

  3. What kind of sandwich would you make? Mean but funny.

  4. Please, please can this be real? :) Of course, the third/fourth rate stars that would crop up to take their places might be even worse :/

  5. @Grace: thanks!

    @Kittie: getting rid of them all would be very welcome.

    @Whisk: and very, very deserved!

    @Shelly: thanks!

    @Meradeth: if only it was real!

  6. Ah, yes...reality TV. Also known as The Dumbing Down of America.

    I'm rooting for Fluffy!

  7. Hmmm, if they were both drowning? I'd boil some eggs, chop up some sweet pickles, and mix up some egg salad. Then I'd make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. :D

  8. Fluffy's my hero! Oh, if only we really WOULD never hear from these 'celebrities' again!

  9. Great writing. This is one of your best! Love the snarky sarcasm - if any people deserve such it's the damn fools who put out reality shows! I hated them from the beginning but thought it was a fad that wouldn't last. Hah! Seriously, if I even accidentally watch a minute of one of these shows, I throw up!

  10. I betting on Fluffy for the win.
    Please take out the "k's" first.

    cheers, parsnip


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