Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, September 29, 2014

A Day In The Life Of A Toronto Maple Leafs Fan

I have a couple of links before I get started today. Yesterday was a Sunday, so check out our joint blog for our Snippet Sunday post. And check out Eve's poem.

Today I have something different. Longtime readers may remember when I took on the point of view of those deluded fools otherwise known as Chicago Cubs fans. Now I turn my attention to this side of the border with something similar, with the point of view of  a member of that pack of demented hooligans we call Leaf Nation. Strangely enough, writing his voice, it occurred to me that this unpleasant oaf was sounding an awful lot like my idiot-ex-brother-in-law, the hapless buffoon sometimes known as Cro-Magnon Mike.

If I happen to end up meeting a bad end, consider each and every Leaf fan a suspect.

10:45 AM. At home. Big day ahead. Hockey game tonight. Whistlin’ Hockey Night In Canada theme. Eating late breakfast of Canadian bacon dipped in maple syrup with a bottle of beer to top it off. At least it says maple syrup on the bottle, but I bought it at the grocery store, and my neighbour says it’s better to buy the pure stuff. What does he know? The stupid **** thinks the mayor and his family are a disgrace. Stupid ****er.

11:25 AM. Time to get myself started with my game day routine. Damned glad this is a weekend, otherwise my bosses would be raggin’ on me to get back to work. Stupid bosses, think they know everything.

11:27 AM. Watchin’ Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Seventeen, with my guru and life advisor Don Cherry hostin’. Yeah, man, this guy’s a genius. Pure genius. He thinks just like me. Smart guys like us, we gotta stick apart, right? No, wait, stick together. That’s the way it goes. Damn. Gotta stop drinkin’ so much booze, gets my brain all ****ed up. Wait a minute... stop drinkin’ so much booze? Am I crazy?

1:40 PM. Finished watchin’ over two hours of guys hittin’ each other and checkin’ hard on the ice. Yeah! This is sports as it’s supposed to be! And with Don the genius providin’ colour commentary! Yeah!

2:05 PM. Next stage of the game day prep. Gotta put some of the blue and white war paint on. Leafs Nation, baby!

2:10 PM. Takin’ a look in the mirror. Yeah, I look like a Habs fan’s worst nightmare. Pissed off Leafs fan wearing blue and white war paint. That’s good, because we’re gonna kick their team’s asses tonight and send those stupid ****ers back home to Montreal cryin’ in their Quebec beer.

2:25 PM. Puttin’ on the game sweater, the blue and white, the sacred Leafs jersey. I got this one signed by Wendell Clark and Tie Domi. Both guys salt of the earth, both of ‘em robbed of the chance to win a Stanley Cup. Stupid other teams refusin’ to just admit the Leafs are the greatest team in the history of the universe times infinity plus one. 

4:05 PM. Down outside the Air Canada Centre. Still three hours to game time, but that don’t mean we can’t have fun. Hey, there’s Jack and Harry! Hey, guys! Ready to watch the Habs get massacred tonight? Let’s go to one of the bars, get ourselves loaded before the game.

6:40 PM. Downing my latest bottle of beer. How many is that now? Don’t know, don’t care. Not like I got anyone to rag on me since my ex broke up with me. What the **** was her problem anyway? Suddenly I’m not a catch any woman would want? Speakin’ of which, hey there, babe, wanna score a hat trick with me or what? 

Oh, fine, be that way!

6:55 PM. Back down at the ACC. Headin’ inside the arena, scarfin’ down some hot dogs and burgers. Lots of Leafs fans out tonight, screamin’ for the blood of those stupid Habs. Yeah, man! I’m in my element! Harry, one of these days, the Leafs scouts are gonna see me playin’ in my bar league team and they’re gonna sign me! Mark my words!

Whaddya mean my knees are shot and I’m closin’ in on fifty? Why should that matter?

7:20 PM. Our boys and those stupid Habs are on the ice. National anthem bein’ sung in a moment. Too bad they can’t bring out Dougie or Rob to sing the anthem, am I right, Jack? Ford Nation! Leaf Nation! All the way, baby! Wooooo!!!!!!!!

7:22 PM. Anthem finished. Yeah! We stand on guard for me, baby! Or somethin’ like that. Hell, I mumble the words most of the time anyway. Let’s go Leafs! C’mon, baby!

7:28 PM. The puck is dropped. The ACC goes nuts. Yeah! This is our year, man! Stanley Cup, here we come!! Nothin’ can stop us now!!!!

7:29 PM. What the ****? How the **** did Subban get the puck past our guy? Ref! He ****in’ cheated! Disallow that goal, ref!  Bernier, keep your head in the game, man, we’re only thirty seconds into this thing!

7:40 PM. Harry? You wanna explain to me how Montreal can already be up four goals on our boys this early?

8:05 PM. In between periods. Wolfin’ down some hot dogs. Six goals unanswered by our boys? What the **** is this about? We’re supposed to be maulin’ those stupid ****s. Harry and Jack and me, we don’t like this one bit.

8:40 PM. Another two goals inside of thirty seconds? Come on, Bernier, my grandmother could be doin’ better goaltendin’ than that!

9:15 PM. What the ****???? Two periods down and our boys are behind fifteen to zero. Coach pulled out Bernier and put Reimer in the goal. The boys didn’t look good leavin’ the ice. Harry says one more goal and the Habs are gonna tie the record for most goals scored by one team in an NHL game ever. One more after that, and the record’s theirs. What makes it all the more insufferable is that it was their record already, goin’ back to the Twenties. Look, guys, lots of things can happen in the last period. Twenty minutes of play, boys, and our guys can come back from a fifteen to zero deficit, right? Leafs Nation, baby! Yeah!

9:25 PM. Subban just scored again! Now those stupid ****s tied the record! Hey! Somebody get the prospect from the farm team up here to goaltend! Bernier and Reimer both suck tonight!

9:29 PM. What the ****??? Parenteau scored on our net? Record broken???? What the **** is this? There’s a conspiracy, man, out to rob the Leafs of the Cup and wins and all the glory! And they’re all in on it! The League and the refs and the officials and every last one of ‘em! **** ‘em!

9:40 PM. This is a disaster. This is a calamity. Down twenty five goals to zero with thirty seconds left on the clock. Yeah, this is a cataclysm for the ages.

9:41 PM. Buzzer for the end of the game. Twenty six to zero. Habs on the ice celebratin’ and rubbin’ it in. You ****ers just had to do that. It’s like rubbin’ salt on an open wound, you ****ers. But do you ****ers care? No, you’re too busy gloatin’! Harry, Jack.... I gotta get boozed up. Anything to dull the pain of losin’ this ****in’ bad.

10:20 PM. Back in the bar with lots of Leafs fans. People cryin’. Like they lost their best friend. Like they just heard Don Cherry died. We’re busy gettin’ hammered. How the **** do we get back from a night like this?

11:15 PM. Buncha guys talkin’ bout how we’ve been screwed over since 1967. Somebody’s behind it, man. I mean, a bad luck streak can’t go on this ****in’ long, can it?

12:47 AM. Totally hammered. Me and Jack and Harry shrug this whole night off. **** it, it’s just one ****in’ game, man. Our boys come back next time and smack around whoever the **** we’re playin’ next. Yeah! Leafs Nation, baby! This is gonna be our year! Stanley Cup comin’ home

2:40 AM. Finally drag myself into the house. Gonna have a bad ass hangover in the mornin’, man. Collapse on the couch. Too tired to make it to bed. Geez, hope I don’t throw up on myself in my sleep.


  1. Having been a Cubs fan for some years, I feel your pain.

  2. Ball games sound far too stressful William, I'll stick to reading a good book :)

  3. From all you've told me about Cro-Magnon Mike over the years, I think you were channeling him here!

    I feel sorry for those poor Leafs fans with the bags on their heads...but if you come to a bad end, even Columbo would have a hard time whittling down THAT parade of suspects!

  4. Luckily, I've never been a Leafs fan.

  5. It's like the Canadian maple leaf communicating in my poem. Thanks for the mention.

  6. @Petrea: fortunately I lean more towards the Senators.

    @Grace: given a choice, I'll go for the book.

    @Norma: I definitely was. And Columbo would be looking at millions of Leafs fans and calling out, "just one more question, sir!"

    @Halcyon: I suspect that if it wasn't for the Senators, I'd root for Montreal.

    @Eve: you're welcome!

  7. I don't watch sports but I enjoyed this post, William. :) It reminds me of a page on Facebook called Meanwhile in Canada. Love it! Oh...wait, I do watch sports, but the only one is the professional bowlers which I cannot get on any networks I have right now.

  8. Aw, poor Leafs! And you never know! Next year might be THE year!

  9. So I'm not missing much not watching hockey? ;)

  10. Reminds me DC's football and baseball team. -_- They are so bad.

  11. William William William... The line of "people" who want you to come to a bad end keeps getting bigger.

    cheers, parsnip

  12. @Linda: that's a page I know well!

    @Cheryl: just as likely as the Cubs winning the World Series.

    @Kelly: definitely not.

    @Auden: some teams excel in being awful.

    @Parsnip: I know!

  13. I'm not a sports fan, but I love to watch college football. I have to, I'm in Tallahassee and I have loyalty issues. :)

    All I can say is testosterone and alcohol don't mix well. It takes a very wise coach to build a team based on knowing this formula.

    This was a fun read for me! Thanks for sharing.

  14. Somehow this reminds me of the fans of the football team at the school I work at. Only the ones here are lower on the intelligence scale.


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