Beware The Ivory Coast Spammer

Before I get started today, some links for you to look over. Norma wrote about medical tests. Parsnip had a Square Dog Friday at her blog. Krisztina had fall decorating tips and a baking recipe at her page. Eve had some short reviews to go through.  Shelly had a Celebrate The Small Things post. The Whisk examines the brownies question. And Mark writes about harvest festivals. 

Every once in awhile the vile fiends show themselves again. Sometimes it's an email from an African prince/ widow/ concubine/ mistress/ daughter of an African minister/ king/ general/ warlord/ disgraced politician promising millions of dollars to carry on the good work of the Lord/ the UN/ Oprah Winfrey/ zombie plot bunnies. Other times it's the endless spam in blog comments that gets shunted right to the spam folders. 

I got an email in my junk folder the other day. I copied and pasted it as originally written, spelling errors and incorrect capitals as they were.

From Mrs Susan Morgan

BP [38 Rue Des Martyrs Cocody

Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire

DEAREST ONE OF GOD

I am the above named person from Kuwait. I am married to Mr. Abram Morgan, who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2004. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

Before his death we were both born again Christian. since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $2. 5 Million (Two Million and Five Hundred thousand U.S. Dollars) in the bank here in Abidjan in a suspense account.

Presently, the fund is still in the bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that i have seriously sickness which is cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want a Person, church or organization that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of God is maintained.

The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the Lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace.

I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband’s relatives is around me always I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank here in Abidjan. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the Lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

Contact me through my e-mail address for more information, any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another church or individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein.

Hoping to receive your reply.

Remain blessed in the Lord.

Yours in Christ,

Mrs Susan Morgan.

Where do we begin?

Well, Susan and Abram Morgan don't sound like the sort of names you'd find in Kuwait, for starters. She addresses with the line Dearest One Of God. Come on, lady! It's just as bad as a spammer calling their target Beloved Friend. How do you know I don't despise you without even seeing you? Because believe me, your spam makes me think we need to send Cheney after you.

She claims to be a born again Christian widow in the attempt to pass herself off as a nice person. For all she could know I follow the ways of Loki (quite likely), the Jedi (let's face it, I'd probably be a Sith), or the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  And she's not mentioning how a Kuwaiti embassy worker pulled together a couple million dollars in assets in an African country. All of which is in a suspense account.

Does that mean one of the Hitchcocks oversee it?

The whole thing's riddled with capital letters on words that don't need capital letters. Her grammar and writing style, true to form of all spammers from this part of the world, is appalling. "My Doctor told me I have seriously sickness which is cancer problem." Uh huh. Sure you do. And sure, you want to share this money with a complete stranger. In reality, you're sending the same email to millions of other people hoping some schlub buys the story.

Spammers are a plague and a pestilence. They are an abomination that should be scoured from the face of the earth. Enough is enough. We can't play nice anymore. It's time to send in the big guns to take care of the spammers for all time.

We need the most dangerous being in the universe.