Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Who Invited Ethan To The Wedding?

I have some links before we get things underway today. Norma had Minions all over her blog. Maria had a food idea at her blog. Cheryl wrote about travels. The Whisk had cinnamon rolls. And Krisztina had a food use at her blog, as well as a pic of the week. 

Now then, today I have something different. In the past I've done the occasional socially awkward (to say the least) eulogies at funerals. I thought I'd turn that convention around and have a peculiar interruption at a wedding. For the record, I have no idea who's worse: the groom or the speaker. You decide.

"I'm sorry, Reverend? I hate to interrupt, but you did just ask if anyone had any reason why these two should not be joined in marriage. I know that's usually just a formality and no one really does stand up and object, but I just can't stand by and watch this happen without saying at least something about it. Even if the bride's mother is shooting daggers at me with her eyes right now. With all due respect, Mrs. Worthington, in the long run you might thank me for what I'm doing today.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Ethan. I've been friends with the groom for a long while. Alex and I went to college together, chased girls, got into trouble, and somehow managed to graduate and get into good careers. How did we do that again, Alex? I mean, without resorting to blackmail?

Well, that's really beside the point. Let's just say that Alex and I have known each other a long time. That means I know him well. We've done a lot, saw the elephant, and chased glory. Which is getting kind of off topic, and I shouldn't be going off topic, because this is serious. Deadly serious. And by deadly, I mean someone might want to kill someone else before the evening is through, and as long as I'm not the victim, I'm okay with that.

I'm not going to come out and say I'm a good guy or anything. I mean, there are plenty of good reasons I haven't gotten married. I just don't see much point in getting tied down into commitments when I've got too many wild oats to sow, if you know what I mean. And if you know what I mean, maybe you could tell me why anyone still uses that expression anymore. What I'm saying is that I still date. A lot. Right now I'm stringing along four different women, and believe me, it's not that easy keeping their names straight and preventing them from ever meeting one another. Fortunately none of them are in attendance today, though I see a few of my exes here in the congregation. Hello there, Tiffany. How are you, Alicia? Kate, you're looking rather pregnant. Fortunately that's not mine, because we broke up three years ago.

As usual, I'm getting off track. You'll have to forgive me. I usually do this in a courtroom to try to distract the jury by wandering off in all sorts of strange directions. It's a good technique for a defense attorney. Where was I? Oh, yes, the reasons why Caroline should think twice about marrying Alex.

It was five days ago. I had to slip out of my ex-girlfriend Brooke's house. The reason she's my ex is that she had a husband she never told me about. There we are, having our way with each other, and we hear his voice call out as he comes in downstairs. She said she wasn't expecting him back until the next day! I mean seriously, I may be a cad, a knave, and a womanizing jerk, but at least I'm not cheating on someone I'm married to! So there I was scrambling out the back door with my clothes under one arm, hoping I'm not getting caught, and I made it over the fence. As far as I know, Peter had no idea I was even there. Unless Peter happens to be here today. No? Good.  

Anyway, there I am, getting dressed as fast as I can, because on this side of the fence was the Catholic church, and the last thing the Sisters need to see is a naked Ethan out there in all his glory. It might inspire them to lust... and actually, there was this time when Sister Mary Frances and I...

I'm getting off topic again. I'm sorry, what can I say? It happens. Anyway, it occurred to me that I could hide in the church, take a breather, and collect my thoughts. So I go inside, and there's no one in the sanctuary. Which is when I heard doors open nearby. I panicked, okay? It was just nerves, but when you've nearly been caught by your girlfriend's husband in flagrante delicto, you're not always thinking straight. I thought it was him, coming after me. So I hid in the confessional booth.

What I didn't realize was that it was the priest's side. I mean, seriously, I'm not Catholic, so how was I supposed to know which side to get into? So I heard the footsteps walking down from the door. They paused at the booth. Here I am, figuring Peter's come to kill me, and I'm cornered and I'm about to die in a confession booth, and for all that trouble, I didn't even finish with Brooke, if you know what I mean. 

So there I was. And I heard him get into the other side of the confessional and sit down. And I'm thinking he's going to kill me and I'm going to die, and it might be in a way that doesn't leave a handsome corpse. I couldn't see him properly through the screen, but then he spoke. And it wasn't Peter. It was a voice I knew quite well. It was Alex.

He said he wasn't Catholic, but he needed to make a confession. I didn't know what to do. I mean, I'm stuck there, how the hell do I explain this whole thing? So I mustered up a bit of a raspy voice to make him not know it was me, and said, go on. And then he started telling me his confession. It seems that despite what I thought, and what everyone else might have thought, Alex wasn't being all that faithful to his fiancee. He told me of the six other women he's been seeing on the side. I mean, really, Alex? Seven women in your life at once? I thought my five at a time, counting Brooke, was hard enough to keep track of, and you've got seven. You've got me beat by two, man! And don't look at me like that!

Alex kept talking. He mentioned all of them by name. Only one of them is here, I see. Janice, how do you live with yourself standing up for Caroline, being a bridesmaid while you're having sex with the groom? In multiple positions? Yes, Caroline, I'm sorry to have to be the one bearing bad tidings, but Janice has betrayed you in just as much of a fashion as Alex. I mean, close friends aren't supposed to do this to each other.

I know what some of you might be thinking. Isn't Ethan a close friend of Alex?  Where does he get off  saying that about close friends considering what he's doing? Well, despite my reputation as a hound and a player, I just can't stand by and watch Alex get married to a woman who has no idea how much of a dog her husband is. Caroline, you really had to know this before you made a mistake. Alex will be cheating on you every single day for the rest of his life. It's his nature. There's no changing him. Once a dog, always a dog. And I'm probably insulting dogs. 

Anyway, so Alex spent a half hour going into detail about his various action on the side, talking about it all in graphic detail. I mean, seriously, Alex, you thought I was the priest? Were you trying to drive a priest crazy by reminding him of everything he can't have? Finally I just muttered something about honesty and he left. 

I swear everything I just said is the truth. And take one good look at your groom, Caroline. That fear and panic in his eyes? You know I'm telling the truth. I'll leave you to tearing him apart. Reverend, I'm sorry for the interruption.

By the way, Caroline, if you happen to feel like having revenge sex, I'm in the market."


  1. Oh Alex, dear Alex. You are in so much trouble. :)

    The photobomber can always be photoshopped out, but that's hilarious!

  2. I'm sure that would have been an interesting wedding to have attended!

  3. Funerals and now weddings...nothing is sacred here!

    Ethan reminds me of the cop who used to live across the street from my parents when I was in college. I'm ashamed to admit guilt of aiding and abetting in the juggling of HIS four women!

  4. Wow that is very different but great. Maybe priests decided to be celibate after hearing stories like this one. Sometimes life gets overly complicated.

  5. Perfect Wedding !
    I hope that mean more cake for me ?

    cheers, parsnip

  6. That was awesome. I'd love to attend that wedding.

  7. @Diane: murder would be justified!

    @Lena: I wonder where these things come from in the murky recesses of my mind.

    @Norma: uh oh!

    @Kelly: at least people would remember this wedding!

    @Eve: I don't know if priests should be envied!

    @Nas: it would be a lot of fun. Well, not for Alex.

    @Cheryl: me too!

  8. And I'm probably insulting dogs, lolololol.

    It's funny, because it's true.

  9. Well now we need a scene to see how it all plays out! And yep, not too sure which guy's worse!

  10. Enjoyed that a lot William :) I must admit I always hold my breath at that part of the ceremony.. as yet no one has had any objections, which is a shame really I see here it can be rather entertaining :)

  11. Uh oh! I wonder how many people will use this "toast" in various weddings across the country? I've been to many weddings and some of the toasts have been cringe-worthy, although none quite as cringe-worthy as this one.

    Love it!


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