Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Thursday, November 14, 2013

A Day In The Life Of A Dog


7:25 AM. Waking up. Have dreamed of chasing my tail and finally catching it. Found myself confused as to what to do next.


7:27 AM. I hear the human upstairs. I look outside.... hey, it snowed last night! Wonderful!


7:33 AM. Good morning, human. Have you seen the snow? Isn't it white and fluffy?


7:40 AM. The human has given me breakfast, and as always, the kibbles are just beyond delicious. Time to get a run, human. How about opening the door?


7:42 AM. The human opens the door for me, saying something about it being too cold for November. Out I go!


7:55 AM. Running through the snow like a lunatic, barking my head off. It's been much too long since last winter. Hopefully this year is going to be a very long winter...


8:35 AM. Barking at the crows. They squawk back at me. Sorry, I don't speak crow.


8:40 AM. I wonder if cats speak crow. They seem just as inhospitable, after all.


9:30 AM. Back home. Hello, human, I've had a good run. Do you have the fireplace burning? I feel like a good lie-down.


9:36 AM. Circling around and settling down for a good nap by the fireplace. This is the meaning of life: drying off by a good warm fire.


11:25 AM. Waking up from nap. Feeling quite pleased with myself.


12:20 PM. The human gives me a couple of dinner rolls with lunch. Yum yum yum!


2:55 PM. Waking up from second nap. More snow outside. No sign of that infernal annoying squirrel. 


4:00 PM. The human is having tea. I sucker her into giving me a scone. 


5:40 PM. The human is making dinner. Smells like spaghetti and meatballs. Not sure I can mooch food this time. She still remembers the mess from the last time I got my teeth on spaghetti.


6:00 PM. News on the television. Uh oh, it's that obnoxious drunkard the human doesn't like. The mayor who's making an ass of himself every time he speaks. What was it he said? Something about a drunken stupor?


6:01 PM. Mayor Idiot is apologizing again for his latest gaffe, and blames it on the media and the police all out to get him. You know, that doesn't strike me as a sincere apology. You don't say sorry on the one hand and then try to foist the blame for your mistakes off on other people. Not if you mean it.


6:02 PM. The human shakes her head as she watches Mayor Idiot stumble through his remarks. She wonders when he'll finally go away.

Human, why do humans vote for someone who's clearly this unfit for office? I mean, I know you've said politicians tend to be rats to begin with, but this guy's obviously taking the cake for incompetence...


6:03 PM. The mayor starts yelling at a reporter and cussing up a storm. That's a rather colourful vocabulary.


6:04 PM. Mayor Idiot claims he was in a drunken stupor when he yelled at that reporter, but it's time to move on and move forward. Wait a minute, that was just a minute ago when you swore you'd hunt him down to the ends of the earth....

Why does this guy think that being in a drunken stupor is a good excuse?


6:05 PM. The human says there's a betting pool going on as to how long before he's finally turfed from office. She expects he'll be dragged out kicking and screaming.


6:08 PM. Mayor's brother comes out and yells at the reporters for upsetting his brother. Maybe if your brother had actual people skills, he'd be able to answer questions without blustering like an idiot. If these people have dogs, I feel sorry for those dogs.


6:10 PM. The human says she's glad he's not the mayor around here. Goes back in to finish dinner. Spaghetti smells tempting.


6:20 PM. The human does not give me spaghetti... but allows me to have some meatballs in my bowl.

Yum yum yum!


11:00 PM. National news. Mayor Idiot arrested for disorderly conduct after showing up drunk at hockey game. The human says being a Maple Leafs fan is more tolerable if one drinks. 

Mayor Idiot perp walked past the press. Vows he will not resign. Says he's doing a great job and that it's time to move forward. Apologizes for his latest Drunken Stupor. The human shakes her head in dismay.

You know, human, this wouldn't happen if you just elected dogs to this sort of job.


11:55 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human! Sleep well. And remember, at least you're not spending the night in a jail cell awaiting a bail hearing... unlike Mayor Idiot.

A quick look outside. Still snowing. Lends more credibility to my theory that winter's going to be a long one. Maybe if we're lucky, there'll be sixty centimetres on the ground by morning.


19 comments:

  1. Having two dogs for pets, I love these posts :)

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  2. Too funny!! Man, I bet you're smack in the middle of some cold weather now. It's even cold in FLA today! :D

    You always find the best pics!!

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  3. William, You have done it again. So much to love about this post but the last photo makes me laugh.

    The Square Ones send woofs !
    cheers, parsnip

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  4. This sounds about right for my dogs--wake up, go outside, get a treat, go back to sleep. :)

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  5. Oh my. I will never look at another dog the same way again. Ever. ;)

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  6. Yes, dog. In answer to your question, cats can speak crow but NEVER eat it. OK?!
    The REAL Maple Syrup Mob xxxxx

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  7. That first one looks like Krisztina's dog--and I had a Boston Terrier named Snoopy!

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  8. Bandit & Buddy would definitely work for tummy rubs, 24-7.

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  9. The face on that chihuahua when the kitten licks him!!!

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  10. @M.R.: it's fun writing them!

    @PK: it's an off and on cold here. The Rideau Canal has a thin layer of ice on it.

    @Parsnip: woof back at them from me!

    @EJ: a good sleep is a day well spent.

    @Crystal: mission accomplished!

    @The Real Maple Syrup Mob: I suspect crows are devious schemers..

    @Norma: Boston terriers are cuties!

    @Diane: thank you!

    @Cindy: tummy rubs are called for!

    @Cheryl: yes, it's priceless.

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  11. Please, no long winter! May it be short and warm :) Hmm, I may be a bit unsuited for snow! And did this event with said mayor really happen? I've heard bits and pieces of his antics, but seriously, yeesh!

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  12. Love the advanced playing dead technique!

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  13. Human, why do humans vote for someone who's clearly this unfit for office?

    A question we in America ask ourselves every day.

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  14. I wake up chasing my tail once in a while too.
    Love the posts, William. Sorry I haven't been around much. Uh, the chasing the tail thing. You know?

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  15. My husband thinks I'm crazy because I'm laughing so hard at the second one: "Don't ask". That's hysterical. My dog would totally do something like that and then not know how to get down.

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  16. Hilarious photos and watch out for all the snow coming your way. William are you trying to tell us something with that last photo? :)

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  17. The mayor is the gift that just keeps on giving.

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  18. Sir Poops and Hair Ball empathize with the fur peep stretching over the watery abyss of torture.

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