Arise, Angry Villagers, And Wipe Out The Evil Spammers!

"And in those days, there was throughout the land, a plague of unwanted messages sent to all the peoples, and the peoples had come to call it with a single, derisive word: spam. And lo, so did the call go out for the spam to be eradicated once and for all, for it made no one happy but the spammers. With that call, the angry villagers took up their torches and pitchforks, and went to the castle of Spammelton, where the King of Spammers resided, and burned it to the ground..."

Ah, spam. Yes, it's a four letter word, and one we don't use when we drop a hammer on our foot (go ahead, test it out, drop a hammer on your foot and see what word you use. We'll wait for you).

My email filters do a good job of filtering most spam right into my junk folder, but every once in awhile, something comes through. I can expect to see several messages listed in the junk folder when I log in each day, and as is usually the case, the subject matter tends to vary. Sometimes it's a spammer selling insurance. Other times it's medical matters. Periodically I'll get messages from sex sites. No, I'm not interested in meeting Mistress Esperanza, thank you very much.

Just some days ago, I got another spam message that's rather out of place. From the AARP. The American Association of Retired Persons, if I recall properly. I'm a few decades away from retiring, thank you very much, and I assume that organization is for American citizens? I'm a Canadian. You know, the polite ones who play hockey and guzzle maple syrup?

Lately I've been getting a lot of messages from online gambling sites turning up in my junk filters. Incidentally, Kings Palace Casino, just between us, come on over here so I can have a word with you in private....

Stop sending the damn spam through your countless email addresses!

Honestly, I've blocked the email address of the spam, and a few days later, there's more spam from the same business, different email. And like I said, lately, it's been a lot of gambling online businesses. The bastards. One of the lowest forms of life on the planet, homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus.

A few days after New Year's, this turned up in my email:

Season’s greetings from SP Gaming Club

Change the way you celebrate this festive season and visit SP Gaming Club today.

Where dreams come true and riches beyond your imagination come to fruition.

Play on your favourite Vegas-style games like Roulette, Blackjack, Poker and awesome Video Slots.

Register today and you’ll get a whopping USD1,000 completely FREE to do with whatever u please.

Win on our progressive Slots; check out the revolutionary Tournaments, the choice is yours.

Play fun, play safe, play fair, play SP Gaming Club today!

***

Me again. Hello, SP Gaming Club. Your calendar is obviously off. The Christmas holidays were well done and over with by January 7th, when you sent this piece of junk to me and thousands of other people. That means phrases like Seasons Greetings and Festive Season are done with (complete aside: I feel like smacking someone who uses the term festive season). I suppose in the world of gambling, the online businesses and the real deal picture a perfect Christmas as something like Daddy playing a hand of poker while Mom and the kids wait for him to finish up before unwrapping their presents. Which, incidentally, are part of the pot, which is why they have to wait. Daddy's got to make sure he doesn't lose this hand.

This, however, takes the cake in what were they thinking when they sent this to me? A message turned up in my inbox from one Stephanie Murphy. This puzzled me, because the only Stephanie I know is my sister-in-law, and her last name isn't Murphy. Have a look:

Hmmm, that's curious. I wasn't aware that I'm a professional woman. I'm pretty sure I don't have the, ahem... equipment to qualify, and, well.. it's not like my name (actual or penname) can be confused for a woman's name, right?

Stephanie Murphy, for sending me an email that was clearly meant for someone of the other half of the species, I must therefore cast the label of homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus upon you. And once you are named as such, it is a designation that can never be removed.

It could be worse, Steph. At least you're not a Kardashian.