Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Attack of the Vampire Santas

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the town, not a creature was stirring, for they were all dead. The vampire hordes had spread out among them, clad in white beards and red cap and clothes, passing themselves off as Santas, feasting on their blood. That's what soulless, bloodsucking vampires do, after all. They don't sparkle or anything.

While the vampires were having their Christmas Eve feast, in the skies up above, there was a sleigh pulled by nine flying reindeer. And at the helm of the sleigh was someone else dressed in white, a fat elf-man sometimes known as Saint Nick. He wondered as he flew over the land why his writer couldn't think of a rhyme for his Christmas parody, and made a note to leave coal in the writer's stocking.

And so it was that Saint Nick (Santa to you) descended upon the town, and made his way down through a chimney, his first stop here tonight, one of a list of 2.5 billion kids. Santa opened a magic portal through the chimney, materializing in the fireplace (this is how a three hundred pound 1306 year old man with a gut can fit through small spaces). What greeted his eyes when he stepped into the room horrified him.  Yes, it was a vampire in a Santa costume, feasting on the blood of the family living there. The vampire looked up at Santa, bared his fangs, blood dripping off his bearded chin.

Santa, being an immortal magic being, had come across these bloodsuckers before. And being always prepared, Santa reached behind his back for the wooden stake hidden away in his belt (what did I tell you about being prepared?) "Ho ho ho," the fat elf man said with a hearty laugh, buying himself enough time to draw the vampire into his trap. "You've been a very bad, bad boy," he told his quarry.

"I'm just one of many of my kind to come to this town this night, using your look, old man," the vampire remarked, and advanced on the fat elf-man, who seemingly out of nowhere, plunged the stake into the vampire's heart. The fiend gasped, and then faded into ash, a state of being that all vampires should be in (especially sparkly ones).

Santa looked around at the deceased, shook his head with an expression of grief and anger, and swore he would avenge them. And so Santa went out into the town, finding the rest of the vampire horde in the midst of their feast, each of them appropriating his garb, each butchering their prey. (I told you they were soulless bloodsucking monsters!) On that night, Santa was no longer the jolly old elf. He was the avenging warrior, slaughtering the undead plague of vampires with a vengeance that would impress even the most ardent vampire hunters.

An avenging warrior...  with nine flying reindeer.

 Well, I've just gone and told myself a Christmas horror story. Who'd have thought?

Yes, it's that time of year again. Christmas Eve, as of this writing, and I thought I'd do my annual Christmas blog with some pictures for the occasion, not to mention the odd video link...

Editorial cartoonists get busy with Christmas as their theme for their work, and this year, it's no different. Some are political in their leanings; others poke fun at the holiday, the notion of Santa, or the shopping. And from time to time, there are the poignant ones. I've collected quite a few for your enjoyment....

If you're a Calvin & Hobbes fan, you'll appreciate this tribute to the tune of Winter Wonderland.

And I've got a link here for the Frederick Forsyth short story The Shepherd. It's a radio broadcast the CBC has been doing for over twenty years each Christmas, and I only heard it for the first time last night. I think you'll enjoy a rather unusual Christmas ghost story, so when you've got a spare half hour, give it a listen.

I know, at least some of these toons have you wondering how much coal I'm getting in my stocking. The answer: I'll be cornering the world market on the coal supply.

If I wasn't already in for it, that last pic would guarantee that I'll get coal in the stocking....

Well, I'll close out now with two editorial cartoons that sum up the true meaning of the Christmas season, and do so in a far more eloquent way then I'd be capable of. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and watch out for the vampire Santas.


  1. I think I saw that big green thing at the mall yesterday! Occupy Santa's Workshop--that'll piss off a lot of kids! (And yes, that New Mrs. Claus implies something beyond scary....)

    This is one of your best yet. Merry Christmas, partner!

  2. What the hell??? LOL! I am just so curious as to what inspired this spin on Christmas. You are getting coal, definitely.
    That Santa headstone pic reminds me of when I told Kylie Santa died in a car accident on April Fool's Day. Thus began our annual April Fool's Day war of prank after prank.

  3. Very clever as always...
    Love The Other Coast Koko and Sukra are my favorite dog beside the Square Ones. And since I am just a big old softy I teared up over the last two.

    Merii Kurisumasu !
    cheers, gayle

  4. Parsnip--you should see the Christmas card William sent me. Dogs singing the 12 Days of Christmas!

  5. It's the title that started it for me, Christina. I was saving up images starting some weeks ago, and one day thought of the notion of Santa as a vampire. Sure enough, there were images out there.

    Then as I'm writing it this morning, the story itself just came flowing quickly.

  6. I really enjoyed it especially the vampire Santas.

  7. William, William, William....whatever am I going to do with you? Santa can't be a vampire...he doesn't sparkle!!

    BTW, love the last pic....that's the best.

    Merry Christmas, William...!

  8. That was grand fun to read! Happy Holidays to everybody, whatever you celebrate.

  9. Ok! I shall sleep with the lights on tonight and a stake under my pillow. Or I'll just let Charlie at 'em!! Yay!!

    Happy Christmas!! May you have lost of twinkly lights, carols a plenty, angelic cherubs chirping and the ghost of Disney past to keep you company this festive season! LOL!!

    Oh I'm kidding! HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!! Enjoy! Take care

  10. That story made me tear up ... what a wonderful, uplifting look at the Christmas spirit! Makes me want to stock up on holy water.

  11. Merry Christmas! :)

    I'm not much into vampires, but those cartoons are a hoot! lol

  12. Lolol! Wow, William! Never thought I would see this type of Christmas post about Santa Claus. But, then, again, I should have known it might eventually happen of this type of post cus of your sense of humour. :) Too cool. This was funny.

  13. I think they should make your vampire Santa story into an annual Claymation Christmas Special!

  14. Now I'll have to start thinking of what to write for next year's Christmas story....

  15. Vampire Santas - You must write the screenplay. I see a holiday hit on the horizon.

  16. Casting the not so beloved Prime Minister of Canada in a parody of A Christmas Carol comes to mind for next year...


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