Monday, August 29, 2011
The Spy Master Debriefed
And for the second of my characters taking the knickers challenge, I'm turning to the spy master, Udi Zahavi, director of Mossad, appearing frequently in Heaven & Hell. He's turned up here in passages I've posted from time to time, and I did a character blog from his point of view, which you can find right here.
Mr. Zahavi, thanks for coming to speak with me today.
Zahavi: Is this going to take long? I have a briefing at headquarters this afternoon. They can't get anything done without the Boss around. At least that's how I justify keeping my hands on everything that's going on. And my wife's expecting me at home sometime this month. If it's not one crisis, it's another, and she's probably the only person who'd have put up with my schedule all these years...
No, I swear, just a few questions and that'll be it.
Zahavi: Good. All right, let's get to it.
Right, just answer these questions to the best of your ability.
1. What do you call your underwear/undergarments? Do you have any commonly used nicknames for them?
Zahavi: What the hell kind of question is that?
It's a bit of a game, going around the internet. I answered them myself, had two other characters answer them, and now you, another character.
Zahavi: You think I'm a character?
Well, I did create you out of my imagination, so yes.
Zahavi: I'm the director of Mossad. One of the most relentless intelligence agencies in the world. You mess with my country, and my agency takes you out. No tip-toeing around with niceties. We go all out and don't come home until the opposition is dead. I promise you, sir, I'm no mere character.
Mr. Zahavi, please, just answer the question.
Zahavi: Who the hell put you up to this?
A couple of friends, if you must know. Is that pertinent?
Zahavi: Hell, yes, it's pertinent. I'm going to put them on a watch list.
Look, just answer the question, and we'll continue.
Zahavi: Okay, fine. I wear boxers. Period.
2. Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?
Zahavi: Are you serious? Start asking legitimate questions, or I walk out!
Sir, please. Just indulge me.
Zahavi: Consider yourself on a watch list from now on, you smirking bastard.
I'm not smirking, sir...
Zahavi: I have information that you smirk a lot.
Mr. Zahavi, are you going to answer the question?
Zahavi: I might when you start asking serious questions.
3. What is the worst thing you can think of to make underwear out of?
Zahavi: Again, start asking serious questions. Then I'll talk.
Look, they're all expecting answers to these questions.
Zahavi: Who's they?
The readers. Out there beyond the Fourth Wall. See, I really am a writer, and you're one of the characters I created for a book. And it turns out that people find my blogs amusing. You know, you're going to come across as a grouch if you keep this up. That's the impression you're making on all of them right now.
Zahavi: I see. Now I'm supposed to indulge your lunacy? Fine. Whatever. Let's see. Something bad to make underwear out of? Oh, right, sure. How about underwear made out of cactus?
See, if you play along, it gives them a chance to laugh, and to get to know you. Next question.
4. If you were a pair of panties, what colour would you be?
Zahavi: You do realize I have better things to do with my time?
Come on, just give it a go.
Zahavi: *sighing deeply* Tan. Like the Negev.
5. Have you ever thrown your underwear at a rock star or other celebrity? If so, which one(s)? If not, which one(s) WOULD you throw your underwear at, given the opportunity?
Zahavi: Note to self: have this idiot murdered.
What was that? Sorry, I didn't hear you.
Zahavi: Oh, just muttering to myself. No, I have not thrown underwear at anyone, nor would I. Are we done?
6. You're out of clean underwear. What do you do?
Zahavi: There's an expression in English, isn't there? Go commando.
7. Are you old enough to remember Underroos? If so, did you have any? Which ones?
Zahavi: What the hell is an underroo?
That's what I said! See, we've got something in common!
Zahavi: How lovely.
8. If you could have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?
Zahavi: *sighing in dismay* Private property, do not trespass.
Zahavi: I wish you'd be serious.
9. How many bloggers does it take to put panties on a goat?
Zahavi: Oh, that's it! No more! I'm done with this nonsense!! You think these are the sort of questions you ask an old spy master? No!! You ask him how many people he's killed down through the years! You ask him to recount old exploits! Mind you, it'll be a one sided conversation, because he won't answer anything like that! A goat! What the hell kind of questions are these?
Mr. Zahavi, please, if you'll just...
Zahavi: No! This is absolute nonsense! You can take your talk about Fourth Walls, and characters and writers, and goats, and you can go to hell! Bother me again, and I'll break your neck, you understand me, you smirking bastard???
*Zahavi walks out in a huff.*
Does that mean you won't take the Hippos Versus Musk Ox challenge?