Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, April 15, 2024

A Day In The Life Of A Leafs Fan

There are three certainties in life: death, taxes... and the Toronto Maple Leafs screwing up when it really counts. The NHL playoffs are coming, and the Leafs are middle of the pack in their division. Despite over half a century of experience in failure, Leafs Nation continues to hope and dream, no matter how many times their hearts get stomped on. It's been awhile since I've featured the point of view of this rabid Leafs fan, but it was overdue.

10:38 AM. At work. Bidin' my time til I'm outta here for the day. Big game tonight. Florida is in town, and we gotta pick up some wins. Season's nearly done.

12:05 PM. Shootin' the breeze with the guys around the coffee maker about how great it's gonna be when our boys finally win the Cup and victory's in hand. It'll be great, boys. We been screwed over for way too ****in' long.

3:37 PM. Out of here for the day. It's about time, I hate havin' to rush on a game day, and the Leafs are what I live for. 

Leafs Nation, baby!

4:12 PM. Gettin' home. Okay, gotta get set. Get in the frame of mind to cheer for our boys as they demolish the Panthers tonight. 

4:23 PM. Hockey jersey on, watchin' and listenin' to my guy Don Cherry talkin' on one of the Rock 'em Sock 'em videos. Biggest mistake they ever made was takin' him off the air. Man's a ****in' genius

No pain, boys, no pain! Let's tear 'em apart tonight, you hear me???

5:31 PM. Harry and Jack turn up at the door. Hey, boys! Excited for the big game or what?

5:45 PM. Me and Jack and Harry talk it over with some brewskis. Yeah, the season hasn't quite been goin' the way we want it, but that's okay. Because we're gonna come back big time in the playoffs and beat the livin' crap outta everyone, and we're gonna take the Cup. Because it belongs to us.

Go Leafs go!!!!

6:10 PM. Headin' out and grabbin' a cab to go down to see the game. Big night tonight, boys.

6:35 PM. Turnin' up at Maple Leaf Square. 'Cause it's an away game. But Leafs Nation... they're all here tonight, baby! They can feel that the boys are gonna win big time. 

7:02 PM. Talkin' it over with Harry and Jack and all the other Leafs fans while the game's bein' shown on the big screens around the square.

Go Leafs go!!!! Am I right, boys?

7:05 PM. Time for the anthem. O, Maple Leafs, the true north strong and Leaf!

7:07 PM. Puck's gettin' dropped, here we go.....

Go Leafs go!!!!!

7:10 PM. How the **** is Florida three goals ahead of us?

7:51 PM. Our boys are down seventeen to zero. This is ****in' humiliatin'. The only way it could be ****in' worse is if it was Montreal doin' this to us. Or Boston. Or Ottawa.

8:17 PM. C'mon, Woll! You've let twenty five goals in tonight! Are you ****in' blind????

Defense, boys, defense!!!!

8:45 PM. We're in the third. The boys haven't scored once tonight. Meanwhile the Panthers have kept putting the puck in our net over and over again.

Thirty two to zero. 

Boys? This is intolerable.

9:20 PM. Game over, we're done. Thirty five to zero for Florida. Our boys look dejected skatin' off the ice.

Boys? Let's get outta here.

9:35 PM. Me and Harry and Jack get to our favourite bar. Everyone looks as down as we do.

Lou! Let's get some beers here! Anything to make the pain go away, know what I mean?

10:05 PM. The boys and me are gettin' good and wasted, wonderin' where it all went wrong. Does God hate us? Is there a voodoo curse out there somewhere? Why can't we just be happy?

11:48 PM. Pretty much in the bag by now. But me and Harry and Jack are agreed. The boys are gonna come back big next game. And they're gonna make us all forget nights like this. Because they're the best. And nobody nowhere can say different.

Okay, boys, we gotta get outta here. Work again tomorrow.

12:02 AM. Me and Harry and Jack go our separate ways. Them off to their places, me to mine. Hey, cabbie, get me home fast. I might have to throw up.

12:35 AM. Collapsin' into bed. Gonna have a massive ****in' hangover tomorrow, lemme tell you.

But it's worth it. Because Leafs Nation will live and die true blue, baby....


  1. At this point I am surprised any new members sign up at all and that the originals still stick around.

    1. I am forever reminded of a newspaper columnist who stopped rooting for them because he didn't want his daughters following the tradition of decades of heartbreak.

  2. I'd almost forgotten it's that time of year again! Our Blues are out of the running.

    I'm starting to feel bad for Leafs fans.

  3. Shelly here. Florida plays hockey on ice and wins? Hmmm


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