Gollum And The Precious Nomination

Since I had my take on Donald Trump's speech last week, fair's fair and so here's a take on Hillary's acceptance speech this week. 

“I must say, basking in triumph like this is very, very satisfactory. It will only be all the more so in November when we’ve won and I finally get to call myself President Hillary Rodham Clinton. And then rub it in the face of that oompa loompa.

Thank you for your confidence in me. I’ve wanted this for many, many years. Longer than anyone can know. We’re so close to the mountain top. It’s just there, that much closer after all the work we’ve done for years and years and years on end. I’m ready to plant the flag on the top. Which reminds me of the stories about who I was named after. You know, you can go on for years thinking you’re named for Edmund Hillary because of his great triumph in reaching the top of the highest mountain on earth... before you realize you were born a few years too early. Oh well, that’s a detail, and sometimes details are things we overlook.

Where was I? Oh yes, wanting this for many years. The presidency is something I’ve been close to for a long time. And I wanted it. Oh, did I want it. I needed it. I had to have it. It was mine, my own, my precious...

I’m getting carried away with myself again.

My point is when I was growing up I already decided to myself that I wanted to be in the White House. And not just as a First Lady or as a Cabinet member or whatever. As the one person making the big decisions. No, not the court jester. Which reminds me, what’s Carville doing these days?

I wanted to be the President. Not just the President, but the very first woman President.

I wanted to be that trailblazer, showing the way to the future, showing young girls that hey, you too can grow up to be the President of the United States. Eventually. After you’ve married a governor who ends up being President himself. After you’ve done time... in the Senate, people, in the Senate! Not the big house, despite what Chris Christie and the oompa loompa think should happen to me. Honestly, Governor Christie, how do you live with yourself?

Where was I? Right. After time in the Senate. And then Secretary of State.

But before that came my first run at the nomination. Eight years ago.

Of course the party didn’t see things my way eight years ago. Instead they gave it to the President.

They stoles it from us! Nasty filthy little hobbitses, it was ours! Ours! And they stoles it!

Ahem. Sorry about that. I got a little off track.

So everything I did was about getting myself in place for this great day. Well, this great day and the election day, which will be even greater.

Yes, we managed to get through the Sixties. Like Bill, I didn’t inhale. Though it might have been okay in retrospect if I had inhaled. I might have ended up being a bit more mellow and laid back, and well, kind of human in the way I interact with people. Oh well, at least I don’t come across like a complete robot, unlike a certain Republican I won’t mention.

Marco Rubio, I’m looking at you.

So there we were, getting ourselves established, living like the other half lived, or whatever that expression meant. Making our bona fides known and having a daughter we’re so very proud of and all that. And have I mentioned how pleased I am to be a grandmother? It really works well with the focus groups, even if I can’t knit so much as one of those adorable baby socks you see in all the nostalgic magazines about grandmotherhood.

Aren’t babies precious?

My precious, my precious... we wants it!

Oh, there I go again. Bill calls it my Smeagol moment. I kind of drift off into imitations of that character, that’s all. And that’s all they are. Imitations! I am not overly obsessed with the Ring of Sauron and I am not deranged and having conversations with myself all the time. There is no Ring of Sauron, and I’m not obsessed with it.

The Oval Office, on the other hand...

Anyway, I know what the polls say. That I’m one of the most unfavourable candidates in American history. Rest assured, though, that the oompa loompa is even more unlikable than I am. So to the voters out there who haven’t decided, ask yourself this: do you want someone who brings experience and wisdom and the occasional streak of being a bit terribly unlikable in the Oval Office? Do you want someone who’s from time to time been investigated by the FBI like I have? Do you want someone whose party has perpetually asked, are we sure it has to be her?

Or do you want a tiny handed oompa loompa with zero political experience, business disasters, and no social skills?

America, let’s move forward together. We’ve done it before. I’ve done it before, what with forgiving my husband every time he’s gone astray. Which reminds me, to the White House interns of the female persuasion, you won’t have to worry. I’m having Bill fitting with an electro-shock collar that gives him a jolt any time he gets turned on.

Oh, sure, Bill, laugh now, but you won’t be laughing the first time you get shocked.

My fellow Americans, I look forward to serving as your President. I look forward to leading this country forward past all the division and the rancor. I really look forward to sitting in the Oval Office making all the big decisions.

Because it’s mine. Mine! My own! My precious! We needs it! We wants it! It’s ours! Nasty Bernies Sanderses standing in our way! It’s ours!

Ahem... there I go again. Sorry. I get carried away sometimes.

Thank you for your support. To those members of the party who wanted Bernie up here, I will do everything I can to gain your trust, even if I have to name the cranky old guy to my cabinet. To the oompa loompa, I say this: Donald, everyone knows it’s a combover.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I see that Bill’s sniffing around the barely legal daughter of the governor.”

Of Knuckle Dragging Halfwits

In this case, the knuckle dragging halfwit is in politics. Meet Jack MacLaren, a Member of Provincial Parliament from Eastern Ontario, one of the Progressive Conservative party members currently in the political wilderness (and rightfully so). Jack is a far right libertarian, with a history of putting his foot in his mouth, acting like an impertinent child throwing tantrums, and general stupidity. Along with Randy Hillier, another far right wingnut from this part of the province, Jack is one half of the two worst MPPs in the provincial legislature. He's been known to pick fights within his own party, let alone other political parties. Jack's been in trouble lately- it started with an event some weeks back that got reported on in the press. At a charity benefit evening, Jack decided to start speaking. Probably the wrong thing to do when you're really dumb and have absolutely no impulse control.

Jack ended up singling out a Member of Parliament, a federal counterpart whose riding is also in this area. She happens to be from the Liberal Party, and she happened to be present that evening- he even pulled her on stage. He made some sexually crude remarks about her and her husband, pretty much aiming at personal humiliation. The audience wasn't that impressed by him, and yet he kept at it. One might be surprised that he got out that evening without getting punched. He certainly would have had it coming. The evening's lowlights made it to the media, became a front page story, and yet another reason not to vote Conservative on any level, particularly with the way Jack dodged the issue, and with the way the Ontario Conservative leader, Patrick Brown, minimized things. 

That wasn't where it ended, mind you. A few days later, Jack was in the news again. It turns out his website was filled with testimonials from constituents singing his praises. The wording of some of those testimonials were suspect. And those "constituents" had fake names and stock photos that had been used before online (including one of an actress). Jack's office claimed names were changed and stock photos were used to protect the privacy of those singing his praises, but that their words were true. 

Then the website was shut, and all of that taken down. Given how much he'd already been lying, needless to say, those testimonials were as much bull as anything else Jack has ever said. He's been busy trying to dodge the media, while Brown started off by giving him meaningless penalties as opposed to permanently kicking the misogynistic twit out of the party like he deserves. Indeed, it seems after days on end of hedging his bets, Brown finally gave Jack a time-out. The hashtag JackMacLarenTestimonials has been going around on Twitter ever since, playing around with the notion of people singing his praises in a totally fictional way. Most of what follows here are memes I've come up with. Enjoy!

And should this fall under his eye, well, Jack... you're an idiot. A moron. A stuck in his ways misogynistic troglodyte. You're the sort of person who's dragging back the progress of the human race. You're an asshole, Jack. You're the sort of oxygen wasting asshole that other assholes look at and say "what an asshole!" Those are probably a lot of big words for a brain so limited as yours, so you're going to need a dictionary.

Middle finger right at you, you despicable pile of crap.