If It Should Please The Court

The following is a random line of thought, a closing argument of sorts. 

Incidentally, hiring me as your attorney would be a mistake. If I was licensed, that is.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have seen much throughout this trial. There has been a lot of muckraking and abuse of my client's good name. The prosecution has made points about video evidence and fingerprints and eye witnesses and this and that. But the sad fact is that this trial should not have even happened in the first place.

We are not disputing that a crime took place. We are not disputing that at all. We have acknowledged, reluctantly, my client's criminal past. Yes, it is true, he comes from a troubled background. Yes, he has spent the last twenty years in and out of prison on various charges. Everything from armed robbery to forged checks to drug dealing to littering.

We acknowledge all of that. We cannot dispute that these things happened. But one of the fundamental rights of a defendant is the right to defend themselves, is it not? It is, right, Your Honor? Forget I said that.

The point is that this trial should not have proceeded. It was unjust. A violation of legal principle in every way one can imagine.

Because my client is dead.

Okay, fine, I get it. We live in Alabama, where legislators seem to take a dim view of defendant rights. But surely the right of a defendant to defend themselves is fundamental to a just society. But my client is unable to. Because he's deceased. Assumed room temperature. Gone to the great beyond, depending on what one might have a view of on the afterlife, if any at all. 

The point is, he's dead. He died in a jail cell after getting arrested for stealing a bike, of all things.

And the simple fact is, we don't know what happened. Was it suicide, because he had multiple other charges against him outstanding? Was it a health thing, since he had a twenty five year addiction to recreational drugs? Was it running into the wrong person in jail?

We just don't know. But the point is, my client was not able to participate in preparing for his own trial. Because he was dead. And instead of having the simple decency to just chalk it up to 'defendant deceased, no further case' and release my client's body to his family for burial, the prosecution got a court order to have him embalmed so he could sit through the trial.

I ask, ladies and gentlemen, is this fair? The man is dead. This is demeaning to his family. It is demeaning to the very concept of justice. It is the very essence of wrong.

I have asked myself for months, why? What is his motive? Not my client, I can't ask him that, because he's dead. No, I refer to my colleague in the district attorney's office. I've known Mr. Sedgwick for years, and always thought him to be a reasonable man. Why try to railroad a man who's beyond justice? Why waste the court's time on a farce that will surely be overturned on appeal, because rest assured, I'm taking this all the way to the Supreme Court if I have to. 

Well, I figured it out. I know why he's been so gung-ho about this.

Ladies and gentlemen, this took a lot of digging. You see, my client went to school with Mr. Sedgwick when they were children. Children are children, sometimes they're good, sometimes they behave badly. But you see, one day in grade one, my client tripped Mr. Sedgwick, who fell into a mud puddle, and laughed at him. I only found out about this last night, incidentally. The point is, the prosecution has been holding onto a grudge for decades and is being petulant about something that happened so long ago that he's turned his back on his very duties as a lawyer. Instead, he uses justice to nurse an old grudge.

And I say, it's wrong. Just plain wrong. Now earlier on, I did mention my client's good name. Well, that's embellishing a bit, because he didn't really have a good name. But the point is, you can't pervert justice to settle old scores with someone who's already dead. Does that make sense to you? Because it doesn't to me. 

I expect Mr. Sedgwick was hoping on having my client buried in a penitentiary yard for all time. Note his facial expression, ladies and gentlemen. The flared nostrils and the flustered, irritated expression. He didn't want you knowing about the mud puddle incident.

I'm not asking you to condone my client. He's beyond that anyway. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am asking you to use your common sense. It does not make sense to put a dead body on trial. Especially for something as trivial as the theft of a bike. I urge you to remember that in your deliberations. To bring back a verdict of not guilty, regardless of the weight of the evidence. To be compassionate to the man's family and give them closure and let him have the peace he couldn't find in life.

And to tell the prosecution that he can go jump off a cliff. 

Thank you."

Behold, The Walking Wounded

You think you had a lousy weekend?

Sit down, sport.

So I was out on Friday night with friends, walking along. What I didn't see, and what I should have seen, was what turned out to be a tripping hazard.

Face, meet pavement. 

I broke my nose, and did some damage to my right knee. 

No, I was not drinking.

I went down, my face met the pavement, and I started bleeding. And cursing. A lot of language, that, well, the Sisters Of Little Or No Mercy would not approve of.

 My friends, one of whom doesn't do well with blood, took care of me. I did have the presence of mind to realize I was in shock, hence all the shivering and trembling, and I did curse a lot more when I saw a photograph, taken at my request, of myself with blood running all down my face. No, that photograph is not included in this post and never will be. 

And so I was off to the hospital, courtesy of said friends, having had left behind pavement that looked, well, like a crime scene.

What can I say? I'm a bleeder. I'm still wondering precisely how much I lost. Suffice it to say it'll be awhile before I'm giving blood again.

A hospital emergency ward is no place to come into at any hour of the day, and it's been years since I've been in one. Last year I had a bit of an injury courtesy of a left turning driver oblivious to the rules of the road and the fact that pedestrians have right of way. His driver's mirror gave my arm a glancing hit as he passed right in front of me. I was pissed at him, as you can imagine. But this being the height of Covid, a hospital was not the sort of place I wanted to be in. And that turned out to be nothing more than a bruise, but this was the sort of thing that I couldn't just tough out.

So I ended up in emergency.

The nose was bleeding, both knees felt uncomfortable, with the right flaring up, and I had a low grade headache. The sort of thing you'd expect. Now anyone who's been in an emergency ward knows you're triaged according to your condition. If you're having a heart attack, they're seeing you right now. If you're the idiot who stumbles over and breaks his nose, it's going to be awhile. I was in for the night. For the record, the staff were great. They're already in a stressful job, and the last year and a half have made it all the more stressful. 

The doctor had lots of questions, checked off areas of concern that he had. No, there was nothing wrong with my neck. He had me go through x-rays for the knee, and a CT scan for my head. The X-ray tech was a pro about it, and I had just the one moment where a leg adjustment really hurt. As for the CT scan? The tech was also a pro about it. I can see how that machine can be a problem for someone with claustrophobia, but this was my first experience with it. I found it quite relaxing, actually.

Diagnosis: possible mild concussion, with a list of things to look out for and things to do. None of which have yet shown themselves. Hairline fracture in the nose, which has been numb ever since, and a strained leg, which explains why it feels more painful.

The doctor gave his recommendations upon releasing me, and I asked about the chances of arthritis in that knee. I've already got it in the other one, thanks to an accident a few years back.  

Saturday I got home, slept a lot, ate very little, and generally felt awful. Sunday involved sleeping off and on most of the day, keeping my leg elevated, and making a whole lot of use of a cold compress acquired from the hospital on both my leg and my face. Incidentally it's a weird feeling to have that cold against your nose and eyes and just lie there. But the sleeping has helped. The headache faded away after Saturday, and none of the signs typical of concussions have shown themselves. As of yet. And as weak as a kitten as I felt on Saturday, that's improved as well. My appetite is slowly returning too.

I was lucky. A slightly different fall would have broken my neck and my last word in this life would have been fuck. 

I've got time off from work to rest and recover; colleagues are handling what I would be doing. Benefits of doing the same when they're sick or have personal days. Also benefits of being able to bank your sick days. 

Generally speaking I'm taking it very easy, sleeping a whole lot, and spending way too much time staring at my ceilings, which are uniformly blank.

Two days make a difference: this was me on Saturday late in the afternoon, looking dazed. Blood was still caking parts of my facial hair.

I took this on Monday afternoon after shaving most of it off. The scar at the top of my nose would be where I broke it. Most of the tip of my nose is scar tissue, as it wouldn't wash off like the rest of the caked blood. I look like I got punched by Rocky Balboa. 

I'm mending.

And I'm absolutely sure my friends will never let me hear the end of this one.

George Washington Yelled Here

 And it is the Fourth of July. Happy Independence Day to you ungrateful colonials. I can't let the occasion pass by without an image blog.

Scammer Of The Frontier

 No matter what we do, they don't give up. They don't take a hint and go away. They don't grasp the meaning of drop dead. They can't do the world a favour and hold their breath until their heart stops. And more's the pity, because the world would be better off without them in it. I speak of course, of the standard homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus, a particular variant of the human race that makes one roll their eyes and ask if this is all some big cosmic joke. Such as the following, which turned up in my junk email a few days ago. I'm pretty sure I've seen this copy and paste form letter nonsense before.

Dear Friend.

As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday.

My name is Peter Lawson,a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E.I have been diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer which was discovered very late,due to my laxity in carrying for my health. It has defiled all forms of medicine, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone not even myself but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focus on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it.

Now that God ! has called me, I have willed and given most of my properties and assets to my immediate and extended family members and as well as a few close friends. I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul and so, I have decided to give arms to charity organizations and give succour and confort to the less priviledged in our societies, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth.

So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this my self anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization and to the less priviledged in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.

The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of twenty four million dollars that I have with a Security Company in Europe for safe keeping. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and disburse it to some charity organizations and to the less priviledged.

Please send me a mail to indicate if you will assist me in this disbursement.

I have set aside 10% for you for your time and patience.

You can e-mail me at:plawson@hknetmail.com

While I await to hear from you, may God be with you and your entire family.

Remain blessed.

Mr.Peter Lawson

So where do I start with this one? How about at the beginning, with the "dear friend" greeting. First off, I'm not your friend. Why? Because you're an asshole, and I dislike assholes. So don't start calling me your friend. It's presumptuous and annoying, and it's not going to happen.

Our boy claims to be a merchant in Dubai, with the name Peter Lawson, which doesn't sound like the kind of name you'd find in Dubai. He, she, or it then proceeds to do some of the usual internet scammer tricks of the trade- the sob story, the capitalizing words that don't need to be capitalized, the punctuation and spacing issues, and speaking in an overly formal way that suggests we're not dealing with a regular speaker of the English language.

He claims he has "Esophageal Cancer"- again, no need for the capital letters. He uses the term "carrying for my health" and "defiled all forms of medicine". Are you carrying your health? As for defiled, well, you're defiling the English language. 

He claims that he's very rich (of course), but has not led a good life, being "always hostile to people". Well, I can understand hostile. I'm hostile to you, jackass, and I don't even know you.

He claims he's turned his life around and has willed money to family and friends, but wants to get rid of the rest of it, to the 'less priviledged.' You'd think that someone who was as obscenely rich as this 'merchant' of Dubai claims to be would have some grasp of English. But no.

And then he dangles the 24 million dollar bait, with a ten percent retainer fee for my time and patience, if I distribute that cash to the needy. Of course. Because he expects us to believe that rich millionaires halfway around the world are going to be spending their dying days pleading with strangers on the other side of the planet to help them do good work with the totally non-existent money they've got. 

Uh huh. Yes, I've heard that before. I'll hear it again. 

Nice try, numbskull. Perhaps someone on that list of five hundred thousand or a million emails you're randomly sending off to will take the bait. And send off the inevitable 'banking fee' of a couple grand to get things started, before realizing a few days later they got hustled by a hustler. But not me.

No, I've seen this nonsense too many times. If you really were dying of cancer (you're not), I would say two things. First: good. And second: hopefully it would be the sort of cancer that would have you screaming in pain, unable to respond to pain killers. 

Because the cancer scam is low. Real low. 

But typical of you.

I suggest in the meantime that you go take a swim.

In a lake with a hungry crocodile.

Return Of A Cancer Widow

They are a blight upon the planet. A scourge of our times. Nostradamus didn't see anything as irritating as them coming. I speak of course of the endless hordes of spammers and internet scammers infesting our junk email on a regular basis. They never give up. They send the same ridiculous email to hundreds of thousands of email accounts. Maybe five people of those are dumb enough to believe it. Such as the following bit of nonsense that turned up in my email one day.

Ivory Coast office.

Avenue 16 rue 22 Greenville

Abidjan middle africa. 

Hi. Blessed Executive Mayor

Greetings From The Safe Life's Foundation International The Children's Centers,

We hope this message finds you and those you love safe during this unprecedented time in our nation’s history. 

The past few weeks have been especially difficult as the coronavirus pandemic continues to take a toll on our lives.

At the same time, though, the challenges we’ve faced together have brought the best out of people in this community, and when we asked for support to help us meet the needs of people with disabilities, veterans and seniors this Giving season, the response was nothing short of inspiring.

This Safe life's community’s generosity is helping The Foundation  to continue to provide the critical programs and services we offer to the disability community. 

It’s allowing us to adapt to the evolving challenges this pandemic presents, such as providing critical health services to children and adults through technology, as well as signing a National Call to Action asking that federal and state governments ensure that the needs of people with disabilities are met during this crisis.

Our No. 1 priority remains: ensuring that the children and adults we serve can continue to access the care they need while keeping them, their families and our staff safe.

And because the coronavirus presents an especially high risk to people with disabilities, older adults and others with complex medical conditions, 

We are humble harmony love care attention and above all true love that keeps the children's candles burning,

Please help us safe life's beyond boarders honestly this is costing us alot more here millions in USD. 

Beloved executives your generous donations will go a long way toward ensuring Safe Life's Foundations can continue these critical services and more during this crisis. 

Our infows account details will be at your disposal upon your response.

Be safe during this challenging time! We truly are all in this together.

Dr, Solomon Bernard,

Senior Vice President, , Communications and Corporate Relations

The Safe Life's Foundation International, 

Of course, some of the same tell tales of the usual spammers show themselves. Let's start geographically. For a person who claims to be from Africa, they can't be bothered to put a capital when writing out the name of their continent. And "middle africa"? How is that a place? Who uses that term? Yes, Abidjan is a real place. In Ivory Coast. Which is on the west coast of the continent, not this 'middle africa' that they want us to see themselves as in. 

Then there's the greeting: "Hi. Blessed Executive Mayor." All capitalized letters. First, if you're actually writing a formal letter, you don't start with "Hi." Second, I'm not a mayor. And even so, calling a mayor blessed executive isn't done.

They evoke an organization- Safe Life Foundation International. A quick glance online indicates an organization of that name out of India. One imagines that the real Safe Life Foundation is much more than a scam. But they evoke the name, blather on about the pandemic, naming a few good causes they're supposedly involved in- veterans, seniors, people with disabilities. 

All while starting off with The Childrens Centres as part of their fake title. Make your minds up, people, which constituency are you trying to pass off as your totally fake charity benefiting for?

They capitalize words that don't need it, misspell other words. They do the usual spiel about their good work, and fumble their way through phrasing. Honestly, does 'we are humble harmony love care attention and above all true love that keeps the children's candles burning' sound like it's written by someone with a reasonably educated mind?

I mean, honestly, "beyond boarders"? And "costing us alot more here millions in USD"? Do you honestly expect anyone to believe that? The totally fake name, "Doctor Solomon Bernard". It's always a doctor. Or a minister. Or a beloved widow of a benevolent general who now has cancer. When in fact it's none of those people at all behind these long form copy and paste spam- scams. 

Nice try, Doctor Solomon Bernard, or whatever the hell your real name is.

Maybe someone in that list of five hundred thousand random emails will be dumb enough to send a couple thousand bucks to your totally fake charity. Which you'll pocket before they realize what happened. But not me. I've seen guys like you before, and no doubt I'll see guys like you again. 

Here's a closing thought, spamming scammer: you are what's wrong with this world. The world will only be better for it when you're no longer in it.

In short, I leave it to a familiar grump to make a suggestion as to what you should do. Right now.

The Federal Reserve Scammer

It has never occurred to them to just stop, go away, and never come back. No matter how many times we suggest they cease wasting oxygen and just die already, they never take the hint. I speak, of course, of the internet scammers and spammers who infest our email and comments posts with obvious scams and endless spam for crap we don't want. Most of them, of course, are poorly worded nonsense. Most of them never see the light of day, banished permanently to spam comments or junk folders automatically. And those that do pass by the spam filter don't last long. And yet they persist. The first example below is a spam comment left in my pending approval folder and quickly banished. The second one is a standard advance fee internet scam.

There were several reasons for this. One, I didn't believe he was quoted in the right manner. This was wise of me. A number of bloggers, particularly pro-Apple bloggers, jumped on some in the Schmidt purportedly said, then had simply to walk back their posts (if they are men of integrity),or in some cases (if they are not men of integrity) they just ignored reality when it was discovered that had been looking all quoting some guy who was misquoting Schmidt. Over the path of the last three years the marketplace for mobile applications for a brainy phone, iPad, iPod Touch and the multitude of Android phones has grown at an exponential fee. Industries have been revolutionised as gaming, entertainment, education and lifestyle applications have bought out and wedged a permanent place the lives. No matter whether you're family vacations consist of their plane ride or a car ride, bonus . that's common in both modes of travel is time: time at the airport, time on the airplane, and

Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System

20th Street and Constitution Avenue, NW

Washington, DC  20551

http://www.federalreserve.gov/

Our Ref: FRB-75BFNYUS19                                                            Your Ref 

Attention:

With Due Respect Sir !! I Jerome Powell, the Federal Reserve Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System officially inform you that we      

received a transfer instruction from the IMF -- International Monetary Fund ” Bond with the

United Nations (UN) ordered this office to credit Ten Beneficiaries account with full Contract amount.

Note: out-of ten selected beneficiaries approved for payment in the month of mar 2019, your name appeared in my file as the second beneficiary to receive US$11,000,000.00 via Telegraphic Wire Transfer.

The first Beneficiary in our payment record (Michael Rodriguez) has received his fund via Telegraphic Wire Transfer last month.Every arrangement of your fund transfer is concluded, consequently you will be oblige to provide your existing Banking details for immediate transfer of your fund with your FRATERNAL ORDER OF POLICE CLEARANCE CERTIFICATE as the fund owner as recommend below:

1) Full Name;

2) Full Address;

3) Your direct contact telephone number;

4) Your Age and Occupation;

5) Copy of any valid form of your Identification;

6) Your Bank name;

7) Your Bank Address;

8) Account name and Number;

9) Routing Number;

Note: upon the receipt of your Banking details as stated above, I will forward our payment instruction to you, Please Note that this office cannot afford to be held liable for any wrong transfer of funds.

Treat as Urgent as we appreciate the opportunity to serve you better.

We are looking forward to serving you better.

Best regards,

Jerome Powell,

Chairman of the Board of Governors

Federal Reserve Chairman

Of the Federal Reserve System

Where to begin? Well, with the spam, which makes no sense at all and was totally unrelated to the blog post in question. It's an Apple rant, seemingly written by someone with no command of the English language. Spelling mistakes, wording that doesn't flow in the way you'd expect, and rambling back and forth between unrelated matters. I find it hilarious that this nitwit uses the term 'men of integrity' when it's painfully obvious that integrity is something lacking in every internet spammer.

And then there's our Federal Reserve Chairman. Well, not my Federal Reserve Chairman, because I'm Canadian. And not yours either, because the actual Jerome Powell does not spend his time mass spamming hundreds of thousands of address with an advance fee scam.* Of course the asterix does take into account the complete fucking moron who nominated him to the job, so anything is possible.

It's a common thing for these scammers to make use of an actual official as their cover story. Though it never seems to occur to these scammers that their tell tales give them away. First, we've all seen endless versions of the above letter. Second, the tell tales include things like capitalized and non-capitalized words where the rules for each are tossed out the window. And third, the dangling of a substantial amount of money as if it actually exists (it doesn't), is a standard element of internet scammers. Oh, sure, we're missing the standard sob story, but the rest fits their methodology.

For someone who claims that my name came up in their file as a beneficiary, this jackass then goes on to ask for things like my name, address, banking information, and so on, so that the money can be transferred. Well, if this was legitimate (it's not), that information would be on file. But it's not. No, our friend just wants me to give them access to my banking information so they can personally raid my accounts. What can possibly go wrong with doing that?

Oh, let's just say... everything.

I find it hilarious that the moron has the disclaimer- 'this office cannot afford to be held liable for any wrong transfer of funds'. Of course you can't afford it. First, you're not the actual office. Second, the average internet scammer isn't making much of a living pulling this crap. It's just their way of saying, 'yes, we're going to screw you over, and there's nothing you can do about it.'

Actually there is. Myself, as well as the five hundred thousand other random email accounts you sent this story to, can follow common sense and not answer your email. Oh, sure, you might luck out and find someone who's gullible enough to buy the con. But I'm used to your methods, and instead treat you with the ridicule that you have coming.

In an ideal world, Totally Fake Jerome Powell, you would get exactly what you deserve. An unpleasant run-in with a heavy breathing crankypants with magic powers and a low tolerance level for insufferable fools.