The Pumpkin Spice Latte Blockbuster

Egomaniac Director Announces Latest Film Project; Millions Of Latte Drinkers Guzzle Fake Drink

Los Angeles (AP) It is a rite of the fall- for the last fifteen or so years. The time when white girls in leggings stir and go out in search of pumpkin spice lattes in every coffee shop they can find. Even if there's no pumpkin in the lattes. It's become a trend that has caught on, and will seemingly never go away, with millions drinking the vile brew as long as the drink stays in stock (editor: it's a mystery).

And in a year where we've had a Mattel toy turn into a blockbuster, it was just a matter of time before someone decided to do the same with other consumer products. Like a drink. 

Reporters were summoned this week to the headquarters of Platinum Dunes for an announcement from the explosion happy, self absorbed director Michael Bay (editor: he's such a buffoon).

Real reporters were outnumbered in the auditorium by entertainment reporters. The latter group were gushing about what might be announced, and the odds of Bay winning an Oscar (editor: the chances are a snowball's chance in hell). A staff member came out and called for attention. "Ladies and gentlemen, if I may? Put your hands together and welcome the greatest cinematic visionary of all time... Mr. Michael Bay!!!!!!"

She left stage, and on came Bay himself, grinning like a buffoon, laughing and waving to the entertainment reporters, who were applauding and cheering. He was oblivious to the scorn of the real reporters, who were shaking their heads, rolling their eyes, and checking their watches. Bay strode up to the podium, where a full length mirror had been set up, and winked at himself (editor: this is why he's not married. He's in love with himself).

"Hello there!" Bay called out as the applause of the entertainment reporters began to die down. "Welcome! Great of you to come out and see a genius at work. You know, it's been said that I tend to make films for a male teenage audience. And I suppose that's fair. I mean, the explosions, the hot women waxing cars, the explosions, the rock underscore. But that's not all that's out there. This summer has seen a big blockbuster come out that seems to speak to women and girls. I went and saw it, and I was, well, confused. Didn't really get it. I mean, there weren't any explosions. It was Barbie. But hey, I figured, maybe I'm not supposed to get it. But I thought to myself, I've been ignoring a whole element of the population by making films for the niche market I make them for."

Michael Bay? Capable of personal growth? This reporter doubted it. Bay carried on. "Anyway, what I came to decide was that I could look to other things to focus on, and tell stories about. And I've noticed in the last couple of weeks that these pumpkin spice lattes were being out there again and being drunk. And lots of white women drinking them. This confuses me, because, well, I don't actually like Starbucks, and I never had one. But I thought about it. And hey, let's face it, if you can make a blockbuster movie about a Mattel doll, why not about a drink?"

Entertainment reporters broke out into applause. The real reporters sighed (editor: he can't be serious). Bay nodded. "So that's why the next film project in the pipeline is going to focus on a career minded woman, a member of the NYPD. A bomb disposal expert who likes her pumpkin spice lattes but doesn't want anyone to know about it, because she figures she won't be taken seriously. And it's about a mad bomber who plants a bomb in one Starbucks pumpkin spice latte dispenser in New York City on opening day of pumpkin spice latte season."

The real reporters shook their heads. The entertainment reporters cheered and roared. "Now, for my leading lady, one of my favourite actresses and one of yours... Megan Fox!!!!!!" Bay announced.

Fox came out on stage, wearing her usual low cut attire, smiling vacantly, and strode up to join Bay. "Hey there! Good to be playing this role. I'm proud to represent all the pumpkin spice latte drinkers out there in this pivotal role that's going to get me the Oscar."

Bay nodded. "And playing the villain, the mad bomber.... my old pal, Nicolas Cage!"

Cage stumbled out on stage, smoking a Havana cigar and holding a bottle of Scotch. He staggered over to Bay and Fox, and waved a bit. "Hello! Good to be back working with my favourite people." (editor: how drunk is he?)

Bay nodded. "And there you have it. Proof that I can make films for women about things they love, like pumpkin spice latte. And I can make a mint on it. Because when you mix together pumpkin spice latte and explosions and Aerosmith doing the theme song and more explosions, what's not to like?"

"Is Starbucks going to sue you?" one reporter asked. 

Bay shrugged. "Not planning on actually saying their name out loud in the movie, so what for?"

Bay carried on. "Now we'll have to figure out a title for this genius idea of a movie of mine. Because Pumpkin Spice Latte, as much as it moves drinks, isn't a good movie title. But we'll come to that when we come to it. For now, the important part is that this movie is going to happen, it's going to be big, and it's going to win us Oscars. Thanks, folks, you've been a blast. Thanks for coming out!" With that, Bay departed off stage with his two stars. Real reporters shook their heads with dismay. Entertainment reporters were too busy gushing with excitement (editor: they really are dumb).

Time goes on. Bay will make his film. Or not. There's an awful lot of films in the pipeline for him, and they don't seem to be getting made. In the interim, white girls will continue to buy pumpkin spice latte as if their very identity counts on it. And they will continue to believe there's pumpkin somewhere in that mix. But there's not. 

But for one egomaniac director, that doesn't matter. All that matters is the explosion.

Aunt Becky And The Bad Cellmate

I have an image blog today. Enjoy!

The Scruffy Looking Nerf Herder

“Let me give you some advice. Assume that everyone will betray you, and you will never be disappointed.” ~ Tobias

“You look good. Little rough around the edges, but good.” ~ Qi’ra

“I heard a rumour about you, and I wanted to know if it was true.” ~ Han Solo 

“Everything about me is true.” ~ Lando Calrissian

The ever expanding Star Wars universe sees a new installment in the companion films that started with Rogue One. The new film Solo is now out, set a few years before the events of A New Hope, and tells the origin story of the scoundrel and smuggler Han Solo, including his first meetings with friends Chewbacca and Lando Calrissian, in a story that feels much like a heist film. Director Ron Howard capably handles a project from screenwriting father and son team Lawrence and Jonathan Kasdan, in a project that has had some bumps along the way.

We first meet a young Corellian named Han (Alden Ehrenreich) and his lover Qi’ra (Emilia Clarke) seeking a way off the shipbuilding world, and their attempt doesn’t go according to plan. Han winds up in the Imperial forces as a cadet, given a surname fitting his character, and three years later finds himself expelled from the flight academy for insubordination (typical of the man he’s becoming). He encounters a criminal, Tobias Beckett (Woody Harrelson), comes across a Wookie, Chewbacca (Joonas Suotamo), and a smuggler, Lando Calrissian (Donald Glover), among others, and is caught up in a heist scheme involving minerals and a criminal syndicate led by Dryden Vos (Paul Bettany).

The idea of a young Han Solo film had been around before the Lucasfilm deal that saw the Star Wars brand sold to Disney. Writer and director Lawrence Kasdan, who’s had a hand in a substantial part of the cosmic epic as a co-writer in films like The Empire Strikes Back, Return Of The Jedi, The Force Awakens, and The Last Jedi, was attached early on, and he and his son Jonathan have developed the idea over time. Their script, crafted to feel like a heist film, mixed with sci-fi fantasy and action, carries over the influences of the Star Wars universe while standing out well on its own. 

The script weaves in little tidbits such as the formations of friendships between the three main characters, Han’s roots, the ownership of the Millennium Falcon, and ties to other elements of the established continuity. There are hints of a building rebellion, an established Imperial military that is still finding its footing, and even a few surprises along the way. This being a heist film, the story brings sleight of hand and backstabbing to the equation, along with a healthy dose of cynicism that explains a lot about the man we first meet in a seedy bar on Tatooine. Characters are invested with a sardonic world view at times, charm at others, and wistfulness at yet other times. 

The production of the film has a complicated history. Directors Phil Lord and Christopher Miller were originally attached to the project, had gotten filming done, but were removed from the project by Lucasfilm executives over creative differences. Ron Howard, who’s spent years as a well established director, was brought in to take over the project, and the finished product has a bit of a jolted feel as a result- some of it is still Lord and Miller, but most of it’s Howard, and the difference in style can feel a bit disjointed. 

That said, however, the film works well- Howard has a talent for balancing characterization of actors with a big story, and that certainly shows itself here. Lucasfilm’s production crew handles everything well- the creation of sets and CGI for ships and locations all fits into the previously established Star Wars continuity, albeit one that’s decidedly on the seedier side of the galaxy. Special effects enhance as opposed to overwhelm (something that was problematic during George Lucas’ prequel trilogy), and action sequences unfold in a way that allow you to keep track of the action. This is not a surprise, given that Howard’s shown himself to be adept at that before. The score incorporates themes from John Williams, but it’s the under appreciated John Powell who composes the bulk of the score and takes things in new directions for the franchise.

The cast as assembled is an impressive one, well suited to their roles. Paul Bettany has made a career out of playing character roles, people who are on the side of right and the side of wrong. Here he plays someone who is definitely on the side of wrong. He was brought in during Howard’s reshoots, as the previously cast actor was not available for reshoots. His character, Dryden Vos, is a ruthless sort of crime lord (aren’t they all?), and Bettany gives the character a menacing energy, chewing the scenery as he goes along. 

Woody Harrelson first made a reputation for himself as the simpleton bartender Woody on Cheers, but has been known to play characters with a dangerous, unpredictable quality in film roles. Such is the case with his take on Tobias Beckett, the capable leader of a rag tag group of crooks for hire. He’s the sort who plays his cards close to the vest, keeps his agenda hidden, and goes through life pretty much not trusting anyone. Which makes his influence as a mentor to Han pretty much a good reason Han turns out the way he does. It’s noted that the character is influenced by Long John Silver from Treasure Island, and that fits with Harrelson’s performance. Thandie Newton appears as his wife Val, a member of his gang. She’s an actress I’ve liked in roles before, and her take on the role is that of a resourceful and reliable crook, with few scruples. The actress makes her compelling to watch.

Droids have long been a part of the Star Wars universe, both in terms of background and in terms of central characters. Solo gives us a new one, voiced by a British actress. Phoebe Waller-Bridge gives the voice performance for the droid L3-37, physically a CGI presence as a character who nonetheless merges into the environment with the other actors. The droid is a companion to Lando Calrissian, and proves to be sardonic but resourceful, capable of improvising in a given situation. The actress gives her vocal take on the role a hint of humour and irony, making this droid a good deal more welcome than, oh, that pesky protocol droid from the main movies who worries far too much.

While the core films established Han and Leia as a couple, it would have been easy for the smuggler to have had other relationships long before he became a Rebel. The proverbial one that got away appears here in the form of Qi’ra, played by Emilia Clarke, from Game Of Thrones, which I’ve never seen. I’ve only seen the actress in that last Terminator film, and this is a different kind of role for her. Her character grew up with Han, in a rough environment, and they were childhood friends, partners in crime, with a dash of romantic spark between them. Her performance is sympathetic and nuanced, a woman fighting to stay alive in environments where a mistake can be lethal. The character is likable and self reliant, and she’s got chemistry with Ehrenreich. I’d like to see more from her in other roles.

Chewbacca has been a central character in the Star Wars mythos from the beginning, appearing in the original trilogy, the final film of the prequel trilogy, and the new trilogy as well. For much of that time he had been played by Peter Mayhew, but health issues finally had the actor step down from the role and turn it over to Joonas Suotamo, a Finnish actor and former basketball player who had started doubling for Mayhew in The Force Awakens and assumed the role in The Last Jedi. Being a Wookie, Chewbacca can live for hundreds of years, and we learn he’s a spry 190 years old when he first meets Han, which explains why he still has no grey in his fur in the current trilogy. The character has always been a fierce but loyal ally, a walking mountain of fur with a temper who acts for the greater good, and Suotamo inhabits the role (with a lot of recorded growls and grunts from various animals making up his vocalizations, which Han understands perfectly) in just the right way. The film quickly establishes the friendship and trust between the two characters as they meet for the first time.

Donald Glover gets a lot to do as Lando Calrissian, the suave, smooth talking swindler played in the original trilogy by Billy Dee Williams (I wonder if we can get a return from the actor in the last of the current trilogy?). Here Lando is younger, still years away from taking on the responsibilities of administering Cloud City and ending up in the Rebellion. He’s a smuggler on the rise, but the charm of the man is well established, as is his tendency to talk and think his way out of a difficult situation. Glover gives the character an effortless grace that fits in with what we already know about the man, while pointing the way towards his future. I like the bantering energy between his Lando and Han as the two smugglers get to know each other and build a friendship, albeit a friendship between scoundrels.

Alden Ehrenreich has done a lot of roles over the last few years for big name directors- Francis Ford Coppolla, Warren Beatty, and the Coen Brothers. He got the role as Han Solo over several other actors, and gives us a new take on Harrison Ford’s well established character. Han is living something of a rough life when we first meet him, but there are hints of the idealist in him. He has dreams for the future, dreams that hit hard against the reality of a galaxy where the Empire rules. Defiance and insubordination fit the character, both in this story and in where he’ll go down the line, and the film’s story gives him reasons to become more of a cynic, more of a scoundrel, as he falls into the life of a crook. While he might be a crook, there are lines he doesn’t cross, and the actor plays to that, giving us a believable take on a starting out on the road smuggler, a few years away from crossing paths with destiny.

Solo is a worthwhile addition to the Star Wars mythos, inhabiting the continuity of the saga and telling the origin story of some of its most compelling characters (sorry, Luke, but somehow Moisture Farm Boy: A Star Wars Story doesn’t sound likely to be greenlit anytime soon). It has a fun energy, a good sense of humour, and is at heart a heist film populated by crooks and cutthroats, seeking the easy score in a galaxy where the darkness is rising. The cast is well suited to their roles, and the film overall, despite being a bit uneven, adds a new chapter to its franchise.