Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, September 11, 2023

The Pumpkin Spice Latte Blockbuster

Egomaniac Director Announces Latest Film Project; Millions Of Latte Drinkers Guzzle Fake Drink

Los Angeles (AP) It is a rite of the fall- for the last fifteen or so years. The time when white girls in leggings stir and go out in search of pumpkin spice lattes in every coffee shop they can find. Even if there's no pumpkin in the lattes. It's become a trend that has caught on, and will seemingly never go away, with millions drinking the vile brew as long as the drink stays in stock (editor: it's a mystery).

And in a year where we've had a Mattel toy turn into a blockbuster, it was just a matter of time before someone decided to do the same with other consumer products. Like a drink. 

Reporters were summoned this week to the headquarters of Platinum Dunes for an announcement from the explosion happy, self absorbed director Michael Bay (editor: he's such a buffoon).

Real reporters were outnumbered in the auditorium by entertainment reporters. The latter group were gushing about what might be announced, and the odds of Bay winning an Oscar (editor: the chances are a snowball's chance in hell). A staff member came out and called for attention. "Ladies and gentlemen, if I may? Put your hands together and welcome the greatest cinematic visionary of all time... Mr. Michael Bay!!!!!!"

She left stage, and on came Bay himself, grinning like a buffoon, laughing and waving to the entertainment reporters, who were applauding and cheering. He was oblivious to the scorn of the real reporters, who were shaking their heads, rolling their eyes, and checking their watches. Bay strode up to the podium, where a full length mirror had been set up, and winked at himself (editor: this is why he's not married. He's in love with himself).

"Hello there!" Bay called out as the applause of the entertainment reporters began to die down. "Welcome! Great of you to come out and see a genius at work. You know, it's been said that I tend to make films for a male teenage audience. And I suppose that's fair. I mean, the explosions, the hot women waxing cars, the explosions, the rock underscore. But that's not all that's out there. This summer has seen a big blockbuster come out that seems to speak to women and girls. I went and saw it, and I was, well, confused. Didn't really get it. I mean, there weren't any explosions. It was Barbie. But hey, I figured, maybe I'm not supposed to get it. But I thought to myself, I've been ignoring a whole element of the population by making films for the niche market I make them for."

Michael Bay? Capable of personal growth? This reporter doubted it. Bay carried on. "Anyway, what I came to decide was that I could look to other things to focus on, and tell stories about. And I've noticed in the last couple of weeks that these pumpkin spice lattes were being out there again and being drunk. And lots of white women drinking them. This confuses me, because, well, I don't actually like Starbucks, and I never had one. But I thought about it. And hey, let's face it, if you can make a blockbuster movie about a Mattel doll, why not about a drink?"

Entertainment reporters broke out into applause. The real reporters sighed (editor: he can't be serious). Bay nodded. "So that's why the next film project in the pipeline is going to focus on a career minded woman, a member of the NYPD. A bomb disposal expert who likes her pumpkin spice lattes but doesn't want anyone to know about it, because she figures she won't be taken seriously. And it's about a mad bomber who plants a bomb in one Starbucks pumpkin spice latte dispenser in New York City on opening day of pumpkin spice latte season."

The real reporters shook their heads. The entertainment reporters cheered and roared. "Now, for my leading lady, one of my favourite actresses and one of yours... Megan Fox!!!!!!" Bay announced.

Fox came out on stage, wearing her usual low cut attire, smiling vacantly, and strode up to join Bay. "Hey there! Good to be playing this role. I'm proud to represent all the pumpkin spice latte drinkers out there in this pivotal role that's going to get me the Oscar."

Bay nodded. "And playing the villain, the mad bomber.... my old pal, Nicolas Cage!"

Cage stumbled out on stage, smoking a Havana cigar and holding a bottle of Scotch. He staggered over to Bay and Fox, and waved a bit. "Hello! Good to be back working with my favourite people." (editor: how drunk is he?)

Bay nodded. "And there you have it. Proof that I can make films for women about things they love, like pumpkin spice latte. And I can make a mint on it. Because when you mix together pumpkin spice latte and explosions and Aerosmith doing the theme song and more explosions, what's not to like?"

"Is Starbucks going to sue you?" one reporter asked. 

Bay shrugged. "Not planning on actually saying their name out loud in the movie, so what for?"

Bay carried on. "Now we'll have to figure out a title for this genius idea of a movie of mine. Because Pumpkin Spice Latte, as much as it moves drinks, isn't a good movie title. But we'll come to that when we come to it. For now, the important part is that this movie is going to happen, it's going to be big, and it's going to win us Oscars. Thanks, folks, you've been a blast. Thanks for coming out!" With that, Bay departed off stage with his two stars. Real reporters shook their heads with dismay. Entertainment reporters were too busy gushing with excitement (editor: they really are dumb).

Time goes on. Bay will make his film. Or not. There's an awful lot of films in the pipeline for him, and they don't seem to be getting made. In the interim, white girls will continue to buy pumpkin spice latte as if their very identity counts on it. And they will continue to believe there's pumpkin somewhere in that mix. But there's not. 

But for one egomaniac director, that doesn't matter. All that matters is the explosion.


  1. I'm guessing the pumpkin part is just the colour and the spice could be anything from cinnamon to chilli, but what the heck is a latte anyway? Isn't it just hot milk? So how can it be called a coffee? It's all just nuts, but I wouldn't mind seeing that movie if it ever gets made.

  2. It seems that you have little respect for the auteur Boom Boom Bay.


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