Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, April 22, 2024

Taking The Express Bronco To Hell

The following is my response to the recent death of someone who really, really, really had it long overdue.

Deceased And Disgraced Former Football Player and Actor Reported To Be Complaining About His Place In Hell

Los Angeles (AP). It is a truth universally acknowledged that some people only do the world any good by no longer being in it. Perhaps that's the way Jane Austen might put it these days. Earlier this month, O.J. Simpson, the former football player turned ad pitchman turned occasional actor turned murder suspect turned general dirtbag, died of cancer at the age of 76. The world is now left with him gone- which is not a bad thing.

Simpson earned notoriety in the wake of the murder of his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman, ending up arrested (after a slow Bronco police chase that captivated millions) for murder and put on trial in what was billed as the Trial of the Century, which would a surprise to anyone who participated in the Nuremberg Trials, which would actually qualify for that title. 

What became a months-long ordeal of constant coverage, grandstanding by everyone involved, and general nonsense ended with Simpson acquitted, but later found responsible in a civil case. Simpson's life afterwards was chaotic, including prison time for a botched robbery and kidnapping, years of being shunned by society, and regular outbursts at multiple people, including this reporter.

Simpson was cremated, with no apparent plans for a public memorial or burial, despite rumours. In the wake of his death, there wasn't a lot of sympathy for the man, considering the general state of disregard he was held in. In fact, comedians and editorial cartoonists skewered him, while members of the public made a point of ridiculing him through memes on social media. This is the sort of thing that happens to you when you've done the sort of things he's done.

This reporter has previous history with Simpson, having had been dispatched to multiple Super Bowls down through the years, and even back in the day when Simpson was in prison. Simpson made repeated violent death threats towards this reporter, losing his temper just at the sight of this reporter. This reporter is not required to be objective, as this reporter is, at this point, more of a columnist, and besides which, the readers like this reporter.

And so this reporter freely says the following: rot in hell, O.J., rot in Hell.

Speaking of which- this reporter heard from the fellow in charge in that particular place. Satan, aka the Prince of Darkness, has occasionally spoken remotely to reporters about subjects like the state of Bill Belichicks' soul. This week, Satan advised reporters that Simpson was not having a pleasant time in Hell. "Yes, we've got him stretched out on a table every morning and chopped up into pieces by a cranky demon with a rusty knife. I thought that fitting. The pieces gradually reassemble in the afternoon. It's very painful. Anyway, that's going to continue each day for the next six million years. Then we'll make it more painful."

The Devil paused before continuing. "He broke in the first five minutes. Full confession to everything.  Complaining constantly about how he's being treated down here. For a guy who tried to play the tough guy, he's really a gutless wonder. Very gutless by ten AM, in more than one way."

In the opinion of this reporter, it couldn't have happened to a more deserving person.

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