Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Tuesday, August 8, 2023

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And so it is time for the perspective of that most supreme being, the cat, who knows all and sees all and won't let us forget it.

7:00 AM. Waking up at home. Taking a big stretch. Slept exceedingly well. Dreamed of chasing sheep.

7:02 AM. Examining the exterior from the back of the couch. Flying lunches pecking around in the grass. If there wasn't a window between us, you'd be in so much trouble right now.

7:08 AM. Waiting on the staff to get downstairs. Come on, staff, I don't have all day, and you're making my breakfast overdue.

7:17 AM. The staff finally gets downstairs. It's about time, I was waiting on you for what felt like hours, did you know that?

7:18 AM. Issuing firm instructions to the staff on what I want for breakfast. No field rations, staff! Are we clear on that? None. And would it have killed you to wake up a half hour earlier to put the plate in the fridge? It's called having a pre-chilled plate, creating the optimal dining experience.

No, I am not high maintenance. Why do people keep saying that about me?

7:20 AM. The staff sets my breakfast down on the floor.

A bowl of milk and plate of chicken meet with my approval.

The bowl of field rations does not.

7:22 AM. Finished with the meat and milk. I shall disregard the field rations, in the hopes that one of these days my staff will finally take the hint.

7:28 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, hearing the incessant barking of that foul hound from down the road. Running around, barking his head off, waking up the proverbial dead....

7:36 AM. The staff is on her way off to that work place she insists on going to all the time. Very well, staff. But remember to pick up some milk on the way home. We're running low.

7:39 AM. Watching out a window as the staff drives the car out the driveway.

Now then, what's on the agenda for today? Aside from naps?

8:02 AM. Watching the weather network. They're calling for some thunderstorms later in the day. Wonderful.

8:09 AM. Well, all things being as they are, I think a good nap is in order. After all, I've been awake for an entire hour now, so I've earned it.

10:28 AM. Woken out of a sound sleep by an alarm. It's coming from the staff's secondary cell phone. A look on the screen indicates a tornado watch.


11:37 AM. Have maintained a vigil around the house going from window to window looking outside, but no signs of tornadoes. It's just as well, but still...

11:45 AM. Stopping by the staff's cell phone and glaring at it.

You lied to me.

12:05 PM. Feeling hungry. Must check out the kitchen for something edible.

12:06 PM. Damn. Field rations are the only thing out in the open.

12:08 PM. Despite my reservations, I have eaten the field rations.

1:30 PM. Woken up out of a good sleep by the sound of distant barking. A look at the clock indicates the mailman must be making a drop off down the road.

That damned dog does not get that the man is just doing his job.

And worse, he interrupted my nap!

5:15 PM. Woken up from my third nap of the day by the front door opening and the staff coming in.

Well, staff, did you remember the milk?

5:20 PM. Inspecting the grocery bags. Sure enough, there's milk.

6:17 PM. Dinner with the staff. She's made meatloaf, and I've got a couple of slices for my dinner.

Very good, staff, very good indeed.

This makes up for the field rations.

6:39 PM. The staff is working on washing dishes. I'd help, staff, but you know I'm not a fan of water.

7:02 PM. The staff settles in on the couch. I require belly rubs.

8:23 PM. Pondering the great mysteries of existence. 

What is the purpose of a squirrel?

11:21 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff, sleep well.

But do keep the door open.

I reserve the right to sprint through the house for no reason at four in the morning, and I don't much like having closed doors.


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