Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, May 22, 2023

A Day In The Life Of A Leafs Fan

 It has been awhile since I've last featured the point of view of one of those reprehensible, blindingly devoted morons otherwise known as part of Leafs Nation. However, with the Maple Leafs crashing and burning in the playoffs again, it seemed to be a fitting time indeed to take in their perspective.

10:05 AM. Wakin' up at home. Got a bad ****in' hangover, man. Been like this every night since Game 5 and our boys losin'. 

Sure, we were three games down, but it was overtime, and our boys were robbed! ****in' robbed!!!!

10:27 AM. Walkin' around the house. Lookin' at the Leafs memorabilia. All the stuff I've collected down through the years. All the memories. The good times and the bad times. A ****in' lot of ****in' bad times, but that's beside the ****in' point.

What is it they say? Hair of the dog that bit you is the best cure for a hangover?

****, yeah. Gotta get started on drinkin'. Anything to chase the blues away.

10:38 AM. Just brought four beers into the living room with me. Drink it nice and slow. 

Sure, my ex-wife said I was a ****in' alcoholic, but I can handle my liquor.

Haven't gotten fired yet, after all.

Probably helps that I got that blackmail material on the ****in' boss. ****er.

11:05 AM. Goin' through it in my head. Where it all went wrong. I mean, our boys broke past the first round of the playoffs for the first time in years. It was an amazing time to be alive. We all celebrated.

Because we ****in' knew that this was gonna be our ****in' year.

That the boys were gonna break the ****in' curse. And win the Stanley Cup.

11:09 AM. But see, here's the thing.... second round came. And our boys started losin'. To the ****in' Florida ****in' Panthers! Three games in a row. Looking like amateurs. It was lookin' like our worst nightmares come back to haunt us. 

But then they won. One game. Gave every true-blue blooded Maple Leafs fan hope.

And then it got ripped out from under us and we got our hearts stomped on again.

So I gotta ask the question: why's this keep happenin' to us?

11:38 AM. ....after all, like everyone in existence knows, the Toronto Maple Leafs are the greatest ****in' team to ever exist in any sport. They should just be handed the Cup every year by default. I've been a fan my whole life. Same as my old man and his old man. We bleed Maple Leafs blue, mother****er, but instead of gettin' the Cup, we get the shaft.

Over and over and over again.

It's not fair!

12:21 PM. Jack and Harry turn up at the door. Hey, boys. Come on in, we can drink the pain away.

12:52 PM. Me and Jack and Harry talk it over. Gotta be someone at the League level who's got it in for the Leafs. For the last fifty plus years. And they'll do whatever they can to screw us the **** over. 

Boys? Whoever that is, we gotta figure it out. We gotta beat the ****in' crap outta them and get 'em the **** outta their position so the Leafs can take their rightful ****in' place as the greatest champions ever!

2:05 PM. Me and Harry and Jack agree to head downtown to one of the bars and drown our sorrows with the rest of the loyal Leafs Nation fans. Maybe watch some hockey.

Especially if Florida's playin'. I want everybody on that team to be painfully bludgeoned.

There, boys, I said it. I meant it.


2:45 PM. The ****in' cab finally shows the **** up. Harry and Jack and me pile in the back. 'Bout time, mother****er, get us the **** downtown. And don't look at me that way. I've only had six drinks today.

Or something like that, who's really ****in' countin?

3:58 PM. Finally dropped off downtown. ****in' rush hour ****in' traffic, I'll tell you, am I right, boys?

We head into our favourite waterin' hole.

Hey! Beer here!

4:10 PM. Lot of the regulars around. Lot of downcast faces. We're all still feelin' the ****in' pain, every last one of us who bleed true blue. And the only thing that'll ever ****in' make it right is us gettin' the Stanley Cup back.

5:47 PM. Me and Harry and Jack are on our fourth beers since we got in here, talkin' about next year. Team's gonna do some rebuilding, boys, but next year, baby.... that's gonna be our ****in' year.

Hey, Lou! Let's get some wings over here.

Whaddya mean your name ain't Lou?

6:21 PM. Eatin' dinner with the boys. There's nothin' like some good Molson to wash down wings and hot sauce, am I right, boys? Okay, so since our guys are outta the playoffs- and I still wanna kill the guy who screwed us over- are we gonna watch the rest to the bitter end? Or are we gonna maybe go to some Blue Jays games?

7:09 PM. Hockey on the monitors. Looks like Florida's playin'. I hope they lose fifty million to nothin'.

8:28 PM. Me and Harry and Jack, we're talkin' it over. Jack says his brother in law suggested that he stop rootin' for the Leafs, says it's not healthy to keep rootin' for them.

Jack!!! **** that ****er! The Leafs are a way of life!

9:38 PM. Buncha Jays fans come in, as happy as they can be. Hey, I know it's the same city, boys, but come on... we Leafs fans are still in mournin', you know? 

10:15 PM. Okay, boys. That's it. I think it's time we close it down for the night. I gotta work in the mornin', and I'm already gonna have a bad enough hangover as it is.

10:31 PM. Me and Harry and Jack all go our separate ways. Hey boys... don't forget...

Go Leafs go!!!!

10:42 PM. The cab ride home has me dozin'. Or maybe it's all the booze I've drunk today. Lost count how much.

11:12 PM. Back in the house. Toss the keys on the table, collapse on the couch.

Man, I'm gonna have one bad ****in' hangover in the mornin'.

11:18 PM. Catchin' up on some sports news. Shake ups in the Leafs organization happenin'.

Well, that had to happen. Don't matter. Next season, they'll be ****in' unstoppable. 

**** yeah they will.

Go Leafs go!!!


  1. Perhaps if they changed their name to something that doesn't "fall" every year?

  2. Oh jeepers. How frustrating! '67 was a long time ago. Hope they can figure out the tricks to winning next year. Linda in Kansas

  3. Tell me, are they cursed?

    1. No, just inept and prone to screwing up when it really counts. It only feels like they're cursed.

  4. As a longtime fan of the Brooklyn Dodgers (that's baseball, Canadian) I can understand the agony.


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