The Wrath Of A Bomb Cyclone

 

North America still recovering from winter bomb cyclone blizzard; has unintended side effects

Calgary (CP). The late December blizzard of 2022 that wrecked havoc with holiday travel, caused deaths and massive power outages, and was a general Scrooge to Christmas, will live on in memory. Termed a 'bomb cyclone' by meteorologists because of how quickly pressure dropped in the low pressure mass, the storm held much of the continent in its grip, leaving a lot of snow behind, especially in areas that tend to get off with mild winters.

Scientists and meteorologists are already writing extensive follow ups on the storm. Power utility workers have been busy finishing up repairs. Insurance companies are fretting. Television forecasters who panicked and told people to be ready to eat the dead have been removed from on-air responsibilities. And bomb cyclone has become a buzzword to start the new year off with in an unusual way.

One of the millions who experienced the storm first hand was an egomaniac who spends most of his time in the warmer climates of California. Director Michael Bay, the explosion happy creator of films like Pearl Harbor and Armageddon, found himself stranded at the very epicentre of the storm, Buffalo, New York, where four feet of snow fell. This week, Bay appeared via video link to make a statement to reporters. He was clad in a heavy hooded parka, appearing to shiver constantly.

"It's going to take me months to warm up!" Bay complained. "I'm not meant for cold weather!"

Bay related that he had been on a Southwest Airlines flight diverted into Buffalo before the blizzard hit and spent several days in a Buffalo hotel with nothing to do. "It's Buffalo! I don't care if I was staying in a Hilton, it's still Buffalo! I mean, are you kidding me? Buffalo? In the winter! Gotta say, that's not good. But while I was there, freezing in ungodly cold- yes, the hotel was heated but still, I'm a California guy and I like warm weather- watching the blizzard outside, watching the news about the bomb cyclone, I got an idea for a movie."

He took a long swallow of hot chocolate, apparently his go-to at the moment, and continued. "Yes, that's right. Bomb Cyclone, the movie. Starring Nicolas Cage as the heroic scientist who has to stop a global snowstorm that's going to trigger an ice age, and save his son stranded in the middle of it. I'm sure I'll be able to figure out how to work lots of explosions into the whole thing. That's a great idea if you ask me, and you are asking me."

It is left to the reader to decide if Bay has ever heard of The Day After Tomorrow.

While the Buffalo Chamber of Commerce decides whether or not they want to issue a formal statement chastising Bay for his criticism of their city, the work continues to dig out from the storm. It's left enough snow in a lot of places that winter total numbers records for snowfall might be broken.

Those who deal with seasonal affective disorder are busy counting the minutes until the first day of spring, and having dark thoughts about the groundhog predicting a longer winter in February.

For a local take on the storm of storms, reporters sought out the world's greatest and crankiest lawman. RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich was at his detachment in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. Upon being assured that all reporters present were aware he wasn't the other Lars Ulrich, he appeared more at ease. "It's just winter. You get through it, you push on. Keeping moving forward. No big deal, really," he remarked.

"Lars! Lars!" an excited voice called from a distance, striding towards the group of reporters with a cameraman in tow. This reporter and his colleagues saw an Entertainment Tonight mike in his hand. "Chip Chandler, Entertainment Tonight, Lars. What everyone wants to know is, when is Metallica releasing a duet album with Mariah Carey?"

By now all of the other reporters had backed away to give the inspector clearance. Ulrich spoke in a low but menacing tone. "I am not that Lars Ulrich."

"Are you sure?" Chandler asked. He didn't have time to say anything else, as Ulrich threw a punch that sent him flying down into a snowpile near the road. What followed was an epic chase across three hundred kilometres of mountain landscapes that ended with Chandler in a body cast in hospital, muttering about Metallica cyclones.