Throwing The Unholy Spam Grenade

On the one hand we have those internet scammers with their elaborate stories promising great riches. On the other hand we have the spammers. There are many more of the latter, and no matter how many times they're automatically booted to spam folders or placed there quickly if they do get past the filters, they never get the point.

Your crap is unwanted.

I've posted that many times, and inevitably when I post about spam and internet scammers, the posts attract the attention of the very scumbags whose existence I find so loathsome. Considering the following comment, for instance.

Do you have a spam problem on this blog; I also am a blogger, and I was wanting to know your situation; many of us have developed some nice practices and we are looking to exchange solutions with others, why not shoot me an email if interested.

Well, yes, I do have a spam problem. It's assholes like you who try spamming me. That's my spam problem. As for your claim that you're a blogger, that's as bogus as everything else about you. Because I've seen this message in my spam folders many times before, the same wording. I find it rich that you suggest I shoot you an email, as you entered this spam comment as anonymous and hadn't bothered to write down your email with your comment. Not that I'd send you an email, unless it were to suggest you give my regards to hell. Not even then. I can just say so right here, as opposed to letting a spammer like you come into possession of my actual email address.

And here's another one, a routinely written one that I've seen before.

First of all I would like to say wonderful blog! I had a quick question that I'd like to ask if you don't mind. I was curious to find out how you center yourself and clear your mind prior to writing. I've had difficulty clearing my thoughts in getting my ideas out there. I truly do enjoy writing but it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are wasted simply just trying to figure out how to begin. Any recommendations or hints? Thank you!

First off, anonymous spammer, yes, I do mind you asking me a quick question. Second, the reason you have difficulty clearing your thoughts in getting your ideas out there is because you don't have a mind, and you don't have actual ideas. All that's in your head is empty space, cobwebs, and a sign floating in mid air marked 'space for rent.'

And sure, we're supposed to take your word for it that you 'enjoy writing'- which doesn't show itself in the generic comment you've sent to god knows how many email addresses for years on end. And speaking of wasting ten to fifteen minutes trying to figure out how to begin, as you claim? No, the only waste is the ten to fifteen seconds spent reading your bloody spam comment.

Any recommendations or hints? Well, I know where I'd like to see you. Not at a computer wasting '10 to 15 minutes simply trying to figure out where to begin.' No, I'd like to see you clinging to a cliff for dear life, an empty abyss of space and a long drop beneath you, and your fingers slipping as I walk on over. 

It would be at this point that I'd have to make a difficult choice.

Do I step on your hands or play a not so friendly game of 'this little piggy went to market' with each of your fingers?

Decisions, decisions....