Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

The Downfall Of An Action Film Star

Internet Meme Inspirations Attend Meet And Greet; One Forever Diminished

New York (AP) They are faces familiar to many. Some of them have had acting careers long past. Others still are actively in the entertainment business, and thus not present. And still others have become well known because of a particular photograph that has taken on a life of its own as an internet meme. A meet and greet this past weekend at the AMA Center brought a good number of internet meme figures together for interactions with the public.

Bad Luck Brian, as he’s known to the world at large, was supposed to be there, but tripped on the staircase heading into the building, inexplicably fell backwards instead of forwards, and fell into the path of a street sweeper. A funeral has been set up for the end of the week in his home town. The church is expected to be filled with meme photos of his sweater vest high school portrait that made him famous. Eulogies are to be given by Good Guy Greg and Scumbag Steve. The former will be eloquent while the latter is expected to bring up every last bad luck moment that happened to Bad Luck Brian, before stealing the watch off the corpse’s wrist.

Dating Site Murderer, the meme started with a dimly lit photograph of a bearded man, often featuring a threatening tone in the top line and a twist in the bottom line, was present and accounted for. The man in question, who’s evasive about his identity, walked around looking very much like one sees him in the memes- black and white plaid shirt and t-shirt, the scowl and glare- and carrying an axe. People tended to give him a wide berth.

The trio making up the more recent meme, Distracted Boyfriend, were present and accounted for, striking up the pose that’s made the photo meme worthy. Whilst unnamed at present (at their request) the man and his brunette girlfriend spent much time posing as in the picture, while the red headed woman in the red dress stood a distance away from them with her back to them, oblivious to the attention of the guy.

Disaster Girl is all grown up, but she was present as well. Zoe Roth was photographed by her father in 2004 at the scene of a burning house, looking back over her shoulder and smiling. The four year old girl is now eighteen, and spent time posing with the photograph that made her a meme star, still flashing the same devilish smile that would make you think twice about having her around your children when she was growing up, or house sitting for you these days.

Overly Attached Girlfriend was the subject of much attention throughout the event. Laina Morris, a Youtube star whose demented expression in the occasional photo has launched a hundred thousand memes, has cultivated some of the Overly Attached Girlfriend jokes herself over time. With a good measure of sportsmanship, she posed for pics with people, men and women, and mimicked the deranged stalker that the fictional character is supposed to be.

Jonathan Goldsmith, the grizzled but debonair actor who spent ten years from 2006-2016 doing ads for Dos Equis as The Most Interesting Man In The World, was present. He spent the day regaling the crowds with stories of bullfights in Barcelona, claim-jumping a prospector site, taking part in Desert Storm, taming a Tasmanian devil, and breaking into the Louvre to test their security system. “Let us just say that the Mona Lisa enjoyed a few hours in my hotel room, my friends,” Goldsmith said with a sly smile.

Photographs of working actors who weren’t present, but who have become memes in their own right, were on display here and there. Sean Bean, Laurence Fishburne, Patrick Stewart, Robert Downey Jr., and more have been the subject of multiple memes down through time. “We’d have loved for them to be here,” event chairman Stewie Wallace admitted. “But all of them are busy on set elsewhere. Sean, for example, said he was getting killed again in his latest movie. You know, he tends to get killed a lot in whatever he does.”

One actor who seems to have a lot of time on his hands these days was present. Chuck Norris, the one note former 80s action star who hasn’t had much to do since Walker Texas Ranger ended, was present. The actor is often given to appearing in memes venerating his toughness and macho status. He posed for pictures with fans, went back and forth between scowling and smiling (as much as his plastic surgery allows him to smile), and played the part of the tough guy while interacting with the fans.

But the big star of the meet and greet was one who is of a superior species to humanity. Tardar Sauce, the dwarf cat with a perpetually irritated expression that has made her well known as Grumpy Cat, was present. She was perched on a pillow with her human, Tabatha Bundesen, nearby, as well as a couple of security guards to keep the riffraff away. Sometimes she was asleep. Other times she was gazing out at onlookers with an expression that suggested sheer contempt.

“She’s really not that much of a grouch,” Bundesen admitted to this reporter. “She just looks that way. Especially after she wakes up from a nap. Incidentally, I make a point of letting her sleep until she wants to wake up.”

At this point in time, the aforementioned Norris was passing by. The actor noticed the line-up of fans, longer than his had been, and came to see what the fuss was all about. He made eye contact with Grumpy Cat. She made eye contact with him. An epic stare down commenced. The legendary Hollywood tough guy (and horrible actor) and the fierce contemptuous glare of a feline who gazed on him as if he was something unpleasant she had stepped on.

Silence filled the air. The fans looked on, feeling the tension of the moment. Grumpy Cat continued to stare in the exact same way, passive and unmoving. Norris started to tremble after five minutes. Until he broke. He came apart before everyone, broke down into tears, and rushed away, bawling his eyes out. For a moment, this reporter could have sworn that Grumpy Cat shrugged. Then she put her head down and dozed off.

It seems that Norris will never live it down. It took him seven hours to stop crying, according to doctors at the nearest hospital, rambling incoherently about ‘the furry horror, the furry horror’. For thousands of meme fans who have made him a meme of alpha male toughness, it was hard to see the action star reduced to a puddle of tears.

And for Grumpy Cat? She really doesn’t care either way.


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