A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And so it is the cat's turn to bless us with her grace and presence.

7:20 AM. Waking up at home. Dreamed of catching flying lunches.

7:33 AM. Sounds from upstairs. Waiting patiently for the staff. Come on, how long do showers take, anyway? If you gave yourself a bath the same way cats do, things would be so much easier that way.

7:45 AM. Still waiting on the staff. Looking out at the vastness of my domain. I can hear the barking of that annoying hound in the distance. What is it with dogs and constant barking, anyway? The mutt is a menace if you ask me, and you are asking me.

7:47 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. Well, it’s about time.

7:51 AM. The staff provides me with breakfast. Some tuna and milk. Quite acceptable, staff. I note the absence of field rations today. Are you finally getting the message?

7:52 AM. Contenting myself with eating breakfast.  All is well in the world. Nothing can possibly go wrong now.

8:12 AM. The staff picks me up off the couch. Come on now, staff, we both know that this is my couch, my house, my staff. And when I want cuddles, I’ll demand them, usually when it’s most inconvenient for you...

8:13 AM. Wait a minute, what’s this? Staff? Why are you putting me in the cat carrier? Staff?? Staff! Hey! Don’t you close that door!

8:14 AM. Expressing my disapproval of this turn of events by hissing and howling. The staff ignores all that and carries me and this carrier out the front door like it’s just another day. What is this about, staff? Answer my question, or face my eternal wrath. Do you think I’m joking???

8:16 AM. The staff has put me and this carrier into the car. Staff, you know how I feel about cars. This is completely unacceptable, and I will be lodging a formal protest at the highest courts in the land over this deplorable treatment!

8:23 AM. Brooding and hissing, but stuck in the cat carrier. The car is in motion. The staff is oblivious to my disdain. You and I will have words later, staff, mark my words...

8:51 AM. The staff is bringing the car to a stop at last. Staff, I swear to Isis, if you’ve brought us to see your idiot relations, I will never, ever forgive you!

8:52 AM. The staff takes the carrier out. I get a look at where we are. Oh no. No, it can’t be. Anything but that... not the vet!!!!

8:53 AM. Howling my protests as the staff brings me inside. I spot other cats in carriers, and dogs with their people... even that annoying mutt from down the road. Staff! It’s not too late to turn around and leave right this minute!

9:12 AM. Watching that irritating dog being taken back to the dark lair where that demonic arch villain the vet has her torture devices. He doesn’t like this any more than I do. 

Hey, dog! Bite her in the arm!

9:19 AM. Staff, I’ll be revenged. Oh, will I be revenged on you....

9:22 AM. Watching that dog leave. Lucky bastard, getting away in one piece. Hey! Did you bite the vet?

9:38 AM. Called back by the receptionist. The staff takes me, carrier and all, into one of the back rooms. No sign of the arch villain. She must be nearby though. Plotting my downfall, no doubt. Oh, how I hate vets...

9:42 AM. The vile fiend comes in, pleasantly smiling and greeting my staff. All while hiding her true malevolent evil nature. I’m onto you, lady!

9:51 AM. The staff is holding me down while the despicable monster does her poking and prodding and examining with those tools that must have been used during the Spanish Inquisition. You horrible beast, you should be cast back down into the depths of hell from where you first sprang.

9:54 AM. The arch villain tells my staff that everything checks out fine. My staff is foolish and blind enough to not see how evil she really is. I am back in the carrier now, brooding and plotting my revenge upon them both as the staff bids the demonic beast goodbye and carries me out.  I’m thinking I should hire a hit-ferret for the vet.

10:32 AM. Back home. The staff puts the carrier down on the floor and opens the door. I storm out. I’m very mad at you, staff!

12:03 PM. Still brooding and annoyed. Musing on thoughts of revenge and making my staff pay. My dark thoughts are interrupted by the sounds coming from the kitchen. I come to investigate. The staff is pouring me fresh milk and putting down another bowl of tuna. I look at the food. Then at her.

Then I step forward and help myself.

12:04 PM. The staff gives me a rub right in that sweet spot behind the left ear. Despite my annoyance, I start to purr.

Okay, staff. You’re forgiven. This time.

6:31 PM. The staff and I are having dinner. Some nice strips of beef for me. For whatever strange reason she thinks that having cauliflower with her meat is a good thing. Humans are a strange creature, as far as I’m concerned.

11:41 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well, staff, but keep the door open in case I want to come in at four in the morning. I’ll be down here for a little while, anyway.... dreaming of that monster falling into an active volcano.