Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now we come to see what the cat thinks of all this. Your Majesty? The floor is yours.

7:21 AM. Waking up at home. Taking a big stretch. One of those is essential to starting the day off right, after all. To be followed by the first orders of the day to the staff. Which reminds me, where is the staff?

7:24 AM. The sounds from upstairs indicate the staff is showering. I am therefore killing time staring out the window at my lawn and brooding. There are far too many flying lunches on my lawn. I shall have to take the initiative about that post haste.

7:31 AM. The staff finally makes her way downstairs. I deliver greetings by way of a head bonk to the leg. Well, it’s about time, staff. Now then, have you put any thought into my breakfast? Because I have had not so much as a bite to eat since last evening.

7:35 AM. The staff delivers my breakfast in the form of a bowl of chicken with a side of milk. And for whatever reason she thinks a bowl of field rations are perfectly acceptable on the side. I make a point of ignoring the field rations as I dive into the task of eating the chicken. Tastes like flying lunches.

7:37 AM. Finished breakfast. Setting aside the field rations in case I get desperate later in the day.

7:46 AM. Circling around the staff’s legs while she’s having breakfast. She’s staying home today, so that means she gets to spoil me rotten all day long and attend to my every hope, dream, and personal whim.

7:49 AM. Staring outside the window. I can hear the distant barking of that annoying mutt. Staff, would you mind opening the door? I feel like glowering a bit on my deck if that vile hound shows up here soon.

7:57 AM. Sitting out on the deck, watching my property. No sign of the mutt. Rather warm today. You know, it wouldn’t hurt to have myself forty winks or so, right? Even if I’ve only been awake barely an hour. As I always say, you can never have too many naps.

8:20 AM. Lightly dozing. Semi-aware of my surroundings. More interested in keeping my eyes closed and dozing.

8:22 AM. Suddenly startled to full wakefulness by the boom of a very large bark. I jump upright on the deck, turn, and there’s that irritating mutt looking like he’s laughing at something he finds hilarious. 

8:23 AM. Chasing that annoying dog off my property, driven by pure rage and kitty vindictiveness. How dare you interrupt my forty winks! Come back here, you vile canine! Just take what you’ve more than got coming to you!

8:25 AM. The dog has retreated into the woods. I stop where I am and express my fury with an exceptional amount of hissing. Somewhere along the line I cast doubts on his parentage and use a few choice curse words.

8:27 AM. Heading back out of the woods, in a thoroughly foul mood. Dogs!

8:30 AM. Demanding loudly that the staff let me back in. Right now, staff!

8:31 AM. Staff, have I told you how annoying dogs are? Because they really are.

8:33 AM. The staff gives me a scratch and rub just under the chin, right where she knows I like that. Suddenly all that thoroughly foul mood I was in just melts away. Very well done, staff, very well done indeed.

8:56 AM. Settling down for a nap. Staff, wake me up if you’re having an early lunch.

11:32 AM. Awake. Too early for lunch. Speaking of lunch, are there any of those flying lunches out on my lawn?

12:03 PM. Lunch with the staff. She gives me slices of ham and mozzarella. Very good, staff.

1:16 PM. Chasing some of those flying lunches away from my lawn. If you guys didn’t have fast wings, you’d be an afternoon snack right about now.

1:25 PM. Trying to catch some dragonflies as they dart about. The staff is watching me. She says something about leaving them alone, since they eat those pesky mosquitoes. Yes, well, staff, that’s easy for you to say, but you don’t have a pounce instinct. All cats come equipped with one of those with a lifetime warranty.

4:37 PM. Waking up from my latest nap. Feeling refreshed and eager to see what kind of mischief I can get into.

5:49 PM. Supervising the staff while she’s making dinner. It smells good, if you ask me, and of course you are asking me, because who else am I talking to right now? Or is that too metaphysical and fourth wall breaking for you to deal with?

6:22 PM. Dinner with the staff. Some nice steak chunks appeal to me greatly.

7:59 PM. Launching an all out assault on the scratching post. The staff asks if I got into the catnip.

11:33 PM. The staff is on her way and off to bed. Good night, staff. I’ll stay down here for now. Do be a dear and keep the door open. Just in case I want to come on up and jump on top of you at four in the morning for the third time this week.


  1. My wife sits behind me and is wondering what the hell I'm laughing about. Then I show her this post. Now she understands. Keep up the good work!

  2. Haha! These are cute. When are you going to start investing some time into animated gifs? :D

  3. Haha! I was certain the cat wasn't going to be at all happy after your last post :)

  4. The cat hanging upside down on the couch is my favorite. Cats do assume strange positions.

  5. The cats are taking over! I posted a couple of videos on your Facebook page--one of a cat taking on seven pit bulls.

  6. @Lowell: thanks!

    @Diane: I think I prefer the memes.

    @Meradeth: and she wasn't!

    @Mari: Grumpy always wins.

    @Kelly: that's a very cat thing to do.

    @Norma: I'll look for it today.

  7. I love the first one, the smile of the cat is so sweet.
    It made me smile.

    cheers, parsnip and thehamish

  8. Nobody makes me smile the way Grumpy Cat does.


Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.