Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

8:05 AM. I appear to have slept in. Big stretch and a yawn to start the day.

8:06 AM. First look out the windows. I do believe a good deal of snow has melted. I wonder if I can find any big puddles to splash through on my morning excursions. Where's the human? I'd like to get out and about...

8:15 AM. The human comes downstairs. Hello, human. Do you see outside? Spring has come! The snow's going away for another year. Assuming we don't get surprised by four feet of snow by month's end. No, that wouldn't happen, right? As I understand it, that would only make one lunatic in the Ottawa Valley happy for some reason. So, tell me, when's breakfast? Because I'm hungry. And how soon after breakfast can I go outside?

8:22 AM. The human gives me a nice big bowl of kibbles! Yummy!!!!

8:23 AM. As is my custom, I have wolfed down the entire bowl of kibbles inside of thirty seconds.

8:30 AM. Human lets me out the back door. I'm sprinting off the deck. Somewhere behind me she's calling. Something about staying in puddles. Or out of puddles. I'm not sure which was which, so I'll just have to go with my best instincts.

8:40 AM. Sprinting like a lunatic through the backfields. Barking my head off as I run by a robin. More ground open today than yesterday... less snow. Looks like Old Man Winter finally threw in the towel.

8:55 AM. Continuing my explorations. Sniffing at everything. Have found big stick poking out of melting snow. Oh boy! A prize!

9:05 AM. Proudly carrying around big stick as I continue my walk. Wait... is that a mud puddle? It is! It is a mud puddle!

9:06 AM. Oh, I'm in heaven. Rolling around in the first mud puddle of the spring is so much fun!

9:15 AM. Continuing my excursion after the celebratory rolling around in mud. Carrying my stick. Feeling as happy as I can be.

9:30 AM. Hey, it's that cat that seems to dislike me for some reason. I think I'll try one more time to make friends with her.

9:31 AM. Hello, cat. How are you doing today? Isn't this an impressive stick I'm carrying? Tell me, why don't cats seem to care about sticks?

9:32 AM. Ouch!!! The cat clawed me! Hey! You call those manners, lady?

Oh, sure, walk away in a snit like that...

9:55 AM. Home at last with my stick. Wagging my tail as I come up towards the house. The human comes out, frowns, and tells me that I'm filthy.

But human! If one doesn't get a bit dirty, where's the fun in that?

10:00 AM. The human breaks out the garden hose. Isn't it a bit too early to be doing anything with the garden?

Oh wait... the garden hose is meant for me.

10:05 AM. Enduring the humiliation and the travesty that is a garden hose bath. Human, it might be spring, but that water is cold.

10:10 AM. Human applies the Towel of Torment to dry me off. Wonderful. I go from the pure pleasure of a roll in the mud to being tortured by the Towel of Torment in a single hour.

12:35 PM. Waking up from nap. Hearing human in kitchen. Investigating sounds. She's washing dishes. Hey, wait... human, did you have lunch without me?

I missed out on a chance to mooch?

1:45 PM. Still depressed over lost chance to mooch. Staring outside, wondering what the meaning of... ooo! Look! There's a groundhog walking through the yard.

1:50 PM. What was I thinking about before that groundhog passed by?

3:35 PM. The human is having tea. I give her the sad eyes look, and sure enough, she gives me a cookie.

Oh boy! Oatmeal!

6:45 PM. Human finishing making dinner. Sitting dutifully. No, my hungry stomach has nothing to do with my taking station here.

Really. I swear.

Stop laughing!

6:55 PM. The human gives me a plate of beef. Human, just in case I haven't mentioned it a thousand times today, I love you lots and lots!

8:50 PM. The human is watching a movie. Human, you do realize this movie is based on a Nicholas Sparks novel? So why are you watching it? Come on, surely there's something else on...

10:50 PM. The human has turned off the movie. Weepy eyed. For some reason these tedious movies do that to her. Human, they're all the same, you know. This Sparks guy writes the same book over and over and over again.

Oh well, she's off to bed. Good night, human. I'll stay down here awhile.

And dream of rolling in mud puddles.


  1. Well William- that's about the funniest thing I've read this month! I am always depressed over a lost chance to mooch. Always.

  2. Pablo! How cute. Sounds like spring has sprung!

  3. I like the poor little pooch who has the sign confessing to taking his mommy's sandwich!

  4. I am so glad I had this to read after filing my taxes....
    puppy prison is looking really good to me right now.
    I'm a huge fan of The Other Coast.

    cheers, parsnip

  5. The early years of The Neverending Story look pretty darn accurate! They are all hilarious, but also - yes - cute!:)

  6. I guess "Lunatic in the Ottawa Valley" is thrilled at the weather forecast of 10_20 cm of fr***ing ice pellets we are due here?!!!
    Jane x

  7. To the pup going up against the crab, I strongly urge you back away. :D

  8. Come on up Ottawa lunatic, we had snow on the Peninsula today ! with apparently more still to come, or was that ice pellets and freezing rain they spoke of?

  9. So many really hit home. Thanks for all the laughs!

  10. I don't know where you find these, nor where you get the energy!

  11. I love the guy who barks for no reason at night! Funny stuff, William.

  12. You wouldn't happen to be the crazy man in Ottawa who likes snow?

    Anyway, this was a great laugh. Love all the doggie pics, of course. I always do.

    Hugs and chocolate,

  13. From the puppies singing Swing Low Sweet Chariot to the Yoda dog, I laughed all the way through. Excellent! :D

  14. So funny! Thanks for the hearty chuckle!

  15. @GK: Thank you!

    @Cheryl: it's a sad prospect, not getting to mooch...

    @Eve: poor Pablo!

    @Norma: isn't he cute?

    @Parsnip: Glad to be of assistance!

    @LondonLulu: thank you!

    @Jane and Chris: of course I am!

    @Diane: good advice!

  16. @Cindy: we're getting it too tomorrow...

    @Virginia: you're welcome!

    @Jack: they assemble over a matter of a few days... all at once would be a problem!

    @Funny: thank you!

    @Karla: isn't he a cutie?

    @Shelly: Of course I am!

    @Julie: thank you!

    @Lynn: yes, they were out wandering...

    @PK: thank you!

  17. My favorite..the guy that barks for no reason. Too funny!
    Well enjoy that snow tomorrow. Hope you didn't put away your snow-suit. ;-)

  18. Rolling in mud puddles brings back memories of my first dog! There was a muddy creek he used to sneak off to every time after a rainstorm. He'd come back filthy and happy:).

  19. Thanks for cheering me up on a snowy, sleety day!

  20. Neither the resident mutt or I would be happy to see any more snow or ice at this point. Thankfully we don't live in the frozen north.

  21. Ah, the joy of sticks! And why dogs can't learn cats have claws is beyond me!

  22. You gave me a well-needed smile! ;-)

  23. The neverending story the early years is hysterical!

  24. Hub roared when I showed him the cartoon of the poker-playing dogs!

  25. @Deb: we even had snow yesterday. 20th of April, flakes off and on.

    @Maria: it's where they're happiest, after all!

    @Deb: you're welcome!

    @Sue: but the frozen north is lovely!

    @Cheryl: I think they have a selective memory.

    @RedPat: thanks!

    @Kelly: I thought so too!

    @Kittie: no poker faces with them!


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