Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, July 4, 2011

Never Trust A Man Named Bubba With Your Fireworks

"I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country, and I really regret that I have to give it up now. I've got a date with Millicent Ravishington on Saturday night, and let me tell you, she's a handful in bed. Say, fellows, if I give you my word that I'll come back, do you suppose we could do this execution thing on Monday?" ~ unabridged final words of Nathan Hale, September 22nd, 1776

Happy Independence Day, to my American friends and various relations (I know there's a few down in the Lower 48). On your day of casting off the shackles of British colonialism and setting out on the long path that brought you to this day, I salute you. Sure, your founding fathers might have scoffed at the thought that someday people named Snooki or Paris would captivate the attention of a substantial part of the population...

Now, a great many of you have your own home fireworks. Just be careful. Remember, adult supervision is a must. Uncle Ralph doesn't count; he's always been a bit off kilter since the Great July Fourth Disaster of '65, which he of course started, by setting them off in a mailbox, which led to the entire city of Wichita nearly being destroyed....

Fireworks specialists in the Shire, Middle Earth

The decapitated head of Walt Disney fires off cruise missiles from his secret lair to destroy his enemies at Warner Brothers....

And so it is that the founding fathers brought forth on this earth a new nation, conceived in liberty, dedicated to the notion that all men are created equal, and that all zombies must be destroyed lest they take over the country and feast on the entrails of living people.

Lincoln's ghost is going to kill me for messing around with the Gettysburg Address. Just so you know when I'm found dead in the morning with a ghastly look on my face.

I'll be taking a few days off from blog writing, by the way. I've fallen behind on reading, so let's say it'll be a week before I'm back to posting. In the meantime, check out Erin's blog at Erin Lausten. She's spotlighting bloggers and fellow writers; in this case, it's me. If you're not already following her blog, do so; you'll enjoy her work.

Have fun! Watch the fireworks! Listen to the 1812 Overture (though why that gets played for American celebrations is beyond me). Don't get the rifle-toting ex-Vice President mad at you. He's got good aim.


  1. Now that I've managed to stop laughing (or at least reduce it to an uncontrollable giggle)....

    Abe Lincoln was not one of the founding fathers.

    Most of your images and observations about rednecks and fireworks are sadly true.

    Happy 4th, everyone!

  2. Thanks, I think ? I was wondering if you would post on our day and you didn't disappoint !
    Love the Uncle Sam with the corn, just made me giggle.

    Lots of the fireworks are canceled in Tucson because of the fire danger only three shows that I know of. And really that just fine with me. I love fireworks but after living through a wild fire not as much as before. Plus The Boys don't like the noise !

    cheers, parsnip

  3. I like the one of the large screen to watch the fireworks that are being obstructed by the large screen...LOL

    Happy 4th to all our American friends...we love you!

  4. Yeah, a day for destroying zombies? Cool.

  5. Great blog. Please tell me Nathan Hale didn't really say those words.

  6. I have a friend named Bubba. Seriously. and if I had to pick the most responsible person to set off the fireworks, it would be him! Great post as always!

  7. As much as I appreciate the 4th of July, our founding fathers would puke if they saw what has become of the country. We have more taxes than the British ever levied against the colonies, among other things.

  8. Funny you should mention it; I was talking to Emily just last night about how odd it was that I thought of the 1812 Overture as a great patriotic song. Guess I was thinking of the wrong country!

  9. I always know when I come to your blog I am gonna laugh really hard. My fave line was "your founding fathers might have scoffed at the thought that someday people named Snooki or Paris would captivate the attention of a substantial part of the population."

    You write with such wit.

  10. Okay, the George Washington Zombie Hunter is the BEST! And the Abe Lincoln pics.
    Well, I've had the pleasure of seeing hillbillies in person having a bottle-rocket fight...burned a hole right though one of their shirts. I'd take Paris over a redneck anyday!


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