Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

F Is For Final Confrontation, Part One

The Count teaches the annoying glittery vampire what real vampires are capable of
Sesame Gothic

New York City; Central Park. A large wooden platform has been erected in the park, with three horses set at three of the corners. Each is harnessed, the long lines feeding back towards the center of the platform. Each horse is kept under control by a man. All around, a large crowd is gathering. The mood is somber and subdued. Among the crowd, longtime couple Bert and Ernie are both in tears, rather then the usual bickering they do, accompanied by Sesame Street humans Bob, Maria, and Susan.  Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, and Cookie Monster are seated behind them. Nearby, Beaker, Doctor Honeydew, Animal, Fozzie, and Scooter are watching the Count, who's counting the horses over and over again. Long time old Muppets (and hecklers by habit) Statler and Waldorf are seated in box seats, heckling the horses. And Gonzo sits on his motorbike at the last corner of the platform, a chain behind him leading to the center of the platform. A stir rises in the crowd. Grover the Muppet walks through, accompanied by his girlfriend, who's in tears. Behind them, Kermit and Miss Piggy walk hand in hand. The world press is assembled, broadcasting live. Grover walks up to the platform, where a microphone has been set up. A prison warden stands beside it.

"Hello," Grover greets the crowd. There are many tears. "Oh, do not be sorrowful! For I am going to a better place, sir! You see, the way I see this, I am giving up my life so that the world will live. That, sir, is a very noble thing to do, sir! I am a Muppet ready to die for his planet, sir! It is the only honourable thing to do." There are more tears. Even Statler and Waldorf, usually given to heckles and jeers, are reduced to sobs. "I do not understand why Fred Johnson has such disdain for me. I do not believe I will ever understand his reasons, sir. But he has done many terrible things, and he threatens the future of this world. So, I will freely give my life."

The warden steps forward. "Bless you, Grover. You're a very brave Muppet. Now, I should explain to you exactly what's going to happen here, in very explicit detail. You're going to lie down right over there in the center of the platform. We'll strap you in, one strap to each limb. On my signal, the horsemen will set their horses to pulling, and Gonzo there will start driving his motorbike, the chain of which will be attached to your right leg. The straps and chain will start pulling at your body. You will begin to feel at this point an intense pain in your body. It will only get worse. The forces of horse and motorbike will continue to pull at your body in four directions. And there will come a point when your body gives way, and is torn to pieces. Blood and Muppet stuffing will fly everywhere. I can only imagine how excrutiatingly painful it will be. I've never actually executed anyone this way, so we had to consult a manual."

Gonzo weeps. "I'm sorry, Grover. You shouldn't have to do this. But if anyone should take part in your execution, it ought to be a friend, don't you think?"

Kermit steps forward to speak one last time on behalf of his client, the Muppet whose life he saved in court. "Isn't this a bit of overkill? Wouldn't this be a bit more merciful if it was just a firing squad?"

The warden sadly shakes his head. "Johnsons' demands were very specific. Grover has to be drawn and quartered."

There are more tears, particularly from Grovers' girlfriend. In the crowd, a distinct series of words is heard: "Meep! Meep meep! Meep! Meep!"


Far to the west and north, across the Canadian border in Alberta, a lone Muppet sits in his secret bunker (on loan from the current federal government, who of course shares his evil streak). Mr. Johnson has the television on in the control room, and he's sitting at a desk, rubbing his hands with glee. The broadcast from New York is going out live. He watches, cackling with laughter. "I've got you now, you bastard! No more of your annoying voice and your irritating politeness and your aggravating quirks! You're going to die, Grover! You're going to die, and I get to watch it! Hah hah hah hah hah!!! Everything I've ever wanted, and it's about to happen! Well, not quite everything. I wonder what's taking that pizza delivery guy? I swear, if I miss the execution live, I'll take it out of his hide."

"No, you won't." The voice startles the Muppet supervillain. He bolts out of his chair, turning, and sees someone in the shadow of a corridor leading out from the control room.  The man's face is hidden in the darkness, though Johnson can see from his lower legs that he's wearing the Mountie working uniform. "You're going to prison for the rest of your life." The man steps into the light, holding a gun. It's Inspector Lars Ulrich.

Johnson glares at him. "Oh, come on!!!  Can't you wait five minutes?"

To Be Continued....

Meep! Meep!! Meep meep meep!!


  1. Lars found him! YAY!!!!

    Poor Karla--to come so close to having to witness her lover's execution. That's traumatic!

    Now that gay marriage is allow in New York, will Bert and Ernie tie the knot?

    Hilarious, as always!

  2. I love this! You know, the beginning is reminiscent of 'A Tale of Two Cities.' Drew me in right away. Our hero Lars always gets his man.

  3. Lars is my hero! (The Mountie uniform has always been a turn-on anyway....)

  4. I think the Twilight fans will want my head for that first pic...

  5. Yes, you might want to lay low for a while. They're a nasty bunch.

  6. Someone needs to alert the U.S. Congress!

  7. Poor Grover! Muppet stuffing and blood? Oh no!

  8. Wait til you see the next part, Shelly.

  9. Oh, there's a second part? I'm so there. I really like how you word things- my fave line is "Oh, do not be sorrowful!" Sounds Shakespearean.


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