Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, July 30, 2011

F Is For Final Confrontation, Part Three

New York City; Central Park. The crowd looks on as the warden finishes securing each limb Grover has with the straps. Now it's merely a matter of the warden giving his word, and the drawing and quartering will begin. The men with the horses stand by to hear the warden's word; Gonzo sits astride his motorbike, revving the engine, sobbing in tears at how his good friend must die, and how he must take part in it. Kermit has returned to Miss Piggy's side, and they're both in tears. Big Bird, Oscar, Cookie Monster, Bob, Maria, Susan, and Bert and Ernie sob quietly. The Count, being a vampire, is incapable of tears, so he's counting Oscar's tears. Waldorf and Statler are bawling. Scooter, Fozzie, and Animal look downcast. Doctor Honeydew is making some last second calculations on the precise order that Grover's body parts will fall in. Beaker looks, as usual, like he's strung out on speed.

The warden steps away from Grover, back to the side of the platform. He looks grave and saddened by his duty, and raises his hand, ready to give the signal. A voice calls out, "Stop!!" Everyone falls silent, and a state official comes through the crowd, breathless. "We've just gotten word. It's over. It's all over. The threat is over. Mr. Johnson is dead!!" The crowd cheers and roars in approval.

The horses are startled by the sound and start fussing. Their fussing pulls at the straps securing Grover, who yells out. The men calm down the horses. And the warden rushes over to Grover, untying the straps. Grover's girlfriend rushes through the crowd, reaching the Muppet. She grabs him and kisses him repeatedly. He groans. "Oh, pookie, that was too close. I thought I was bound for heaven. I could see Jim Henson right in front of me," he tells her.

Kermit comes forward out of the crowd. "What happened?" he asks the state official, while Grover and his girlfriend make out.

"We've got word from the Mounties. Inspector Ulrich tracked Johnson to his lair and shot him in self defense," the official remarks.

A reporter with Entertainment Tonight calls from the crowd. "Will Lars be going back to rehearsals with Metallica now?"

Waldorf shakes his head in disgust. "I haven't heard a question that moronic since McCarthy asked if I knew any communists."

Statler nods. "Yes, well, I'm the one who ratted on you."

Waldorf looks shocked. "That was you????"

Statler nods again. "You seduced Rosalind Russell when you knew full well that I had a thing for her, remember? I was pissed at you, so I took revenge by ratting you out to the Communist witch hunt."

In the crowd, Doctor Honeydew looks up from his calculations. "Haven't they started the execution yet?" he asks Beaker, absent-minded as usual.

Beaker looks at him. "Meep meep!"

"But I have to see the effects of a drawing and quartering done in real-time. Beaker old boy, I wonder if you'd volunteer yourself to be drawn and quartered..."

"Meep!!! Meep!!! Meep!!!!!!!!!!"

Alberta; the secret bunker of the late Mr. Johnson. Inspector Lars Ulrich oversees his officers working the crime scene. Coroners are on the way, though he's not sure if he should have called them or a prop master to dispose of the remains of the villain. Constable Borden comes over. "Inspector, we're uncovering evidence of his political ties. He kept recordings. Looks like the bastard was indeed in contact with the government."

"Thank you, Evangeline. We'll deal with that later on. For now... he's dead."

She looks at the body of the dead Muppet. "All that trouble he caused..."

Ulrich nods. "Yes, well, it's over now."

"That's a good thing you did, sir. Calling it in, getting word out in time to save Grover," she remarks.

He shrugs. "For a second or two, I did consider letting him die. He really is annoying, you know."

Borden smiles. "Don't tell that to my four year old niece. She'd never forgive you. She loves Grover." She pauses. "I've heard from the detachment. The press is gathering there. They're asking a lot of questions. They want to see the hero of the hour. Including the... entertainment reporters."

Ulrich rolls his eyes. "Let me guess. Lars! Now that you've killed a Muppet, isn't it time to get back to going out on tour? Are they born that stupid?"

"Apparently so, sir."

"Idiots. Well, I get first pick on which of them I get to kick in the ass and put in the hospital."


  1. I think stupidity is a job requirement for the entertainment press.

    So Grover and his girlfriend are still making out? Does that mean Karla's not working on her next book yet?

    And does this mean no more Muppet blogs? I hope not!

  2. Oh, let's just say that I'm going further and further down the rabbit hole with the Muppet saga....

  3. Heavy metal will get you every time!
    Thanks for the smiles!

  4. Pookie?!!! You couldn't have gone with Angel, or Honey muffin? Well, so long as my sweetie is safe. Don't even think of putting me through that again, buster. I can find out where you live.

  5. YAY!!! More muppet blogs!!! I'm sure we won't be disappointed!!!

  6. Excellent! I have loved this story since the beginning. Too good. Genius.

  7. @Karla: I thought of using Spanky....

    @Beth: I have a very devious idea....

  8. Oh that was great. I love beaker, he was always my favorite. Great story.

  9. Hahahahahahaha. Awesome. Love the Muppet blogs. Of course, I have to agree with the pic you put up about the American Idol judges.

  10. LOVE! Beaker cracks me up. 'Meep meep meep!'


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