Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, June 11, 2011

The Undead Walk The Earth, And They Don't Want Tofu For Dinner

Can you really blame them for not wanting tofu? That stuff is less edible then insulation.

Ah, the zombie genre. It's got its roots in the voodoo tradition, though it's been movies that really gave rise to the zombie as we think of them today. Brain eating mumbling masses of the undead, usually rather hideous in appearance as they shuffle their way through ruined streets of a post apocalyptic world in search of.... you guessed it, more brains.

I can't say I'm really a fan of the genre, though I have written about it in this blog. Somehow the whole genre doesn't hold that much appeal to me. At most, I've read a couple of books, one being Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (Jane Austen might have something to say about that) and the other being a book called Happy Hour of the Damned. I've seen the odd film here and there, including Shaun of the Dead (who hasn't?) and the odd scene out of the recent series The Walking Dead.

Should we as a society feel sorry for the average zombie when the time comes? They'll find employment a rather hard thing to come by. Zombies aren't all that bright, remember, and that annoying tendency they have of eating the brains of fellow employees, customers, and bosses is the sort of thing that's going to be an impediment to keeping a job.

Are zombies already here, and getting started early on?

Zombies of course aren't just compelled to eat brains. Some of them still have other urges. Which is why in the zombie world, there will still be room for pinups.

Not to mention art...

Hey, don't go yelling at me for this one. I didn't draw it....

As if zombies weren't bad enough already....

As insufferably annoying as I find Forrest Gump (anyone who loves it will have a horde of zombie plot bunnies at their doorstep tonight), this twist on the plot might have made it tolerable....

What is it with Chuck Norris being invincible anyway?

Maybe it's just that I didn't grow up watching Chuck Norris films (lucky me!), so I don't have this whole hero worship Chuck Norris Can Defeat A Balroc Demon Just By Staring At It thing going on. I hear the name Chuck Norris, and I think of the "actor" whose facial expression is always the same, whether he's supposed to be angry, happy, sad, hungry, feeling so-so, delirious, horny...

He always looks like this:

At the risk of infuriating his legions of fans, I might just suggest right now that when the zombies come to the Norris residence, he doesn't stand a chance. They'll have Chuck Norris with barbecue sauce. It'll help make the botox more palatable.

The only Hollywood type who might stand a chance in the zombie apocalypse must, of course... be  Ving Rhames.

What will you do when the zombies come stumbling down the street? Are you the sort who's got a shotgun and baseball bat close at hand? Are you willing to sacrifice the annoying video clerk who's taking refuge with you and won't shut up about how they did it in Night of the Living Dead? Or are you willing to let yourself become a dinner entree for the hordes of the walking dead?

Rumor has it that Leonardo's second painting of the Mona Lisa didn't go so well after the model had been bitten by a zombie.

And so we move to the celebrities who shall march among the undead. Some of them have already got a head start on the zombie thing, like Ms. Winehouse...

                      I want a hunka hunka tasty brain, just a hunka hunka tasty brain...

Here's the reason Michael really had all that plastic surgery. He was already a zombie.

And then, of course... zombie-ism isn't just confined to the human race. It happens to animals.

Say hello to zombie plot bunnies....

And zombie cats....

This is how the zombie cat plague shall begin....

Poor dog. Soon to become a zombie. Or dinner.

If the post-apocalyptic tin foil hat brigade is right, it's just a matter of time before the hordes of the undead start walking the earth and munching on brains. They may feel free to start with my idiot ex-brother-in-law, though I can't say that he's got much in the way of brains.


  1. From what you've told me of your ex-brother-in-law, zombies would go hungry at his house.

    The zombie kitties and plot bunnies are cute, even if they are evil.

  2. I tried reading "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies", but the book that goes before that one was waaaaay better...funnier. I couldn't get into this one.

    Oh, and all the zombies are in Pontypool (dumb movie BTW)...but, I did however enjoy watching "Zombieland"...not to be confused with the other movie about zombies..."Adventureland" also starring Jesse whatshisname...

    I happen to like zombie cats though...

  3. That is so great - Totally made my morning!

  4. Love love love the post today ! The very best posters ever.
    The baby eating the kitty brains cracked me up. There are no zombie bunnies just look at how sweet they are but I believe in zombie cats !
    I always thought Winehouse was a zombie and I thought I was the only person on the globe who disliked Forest Gump.
    I am not a fan chocolates but it took forever to get that constant repeating line out of my head every time I saw a box of chocolates. ARG !

    hey... I love tofu and eat it quite often. Japan has the most wonderful tofu dishes even you would enjoy them !
    Come over for dinner sometime and I will make Mabo Tofu for you, a spicy pork sauce over chunks of tofu... rice and homemade pickled veggies on the side Fabulous !

    cheers, parsnip

  5. TFF... You made me laugh after a hard day of 24 heads of hair. Zombie kitties and bunnies.

  6. That chuck Norris one was the best.

  7. I like the zombie bunnies. They are actually cute zombies!

  8. I've never been a fan of Chuck Norris, but I love the jokes. Just the same, from what I've heard Norris is one of those people who really is tough in real life, so maybe he should be on the short list of actors to be around when the zombies attack ... except you wouldn't know when he got turned into one.

  9. I'll take Ving Rhames with or without the tofu.

  10. I've never read a zombie book and I doubt I ever will! Just not my thang.

  11. Oh, I needed that laugh! The baby pic is hilareous!!! Personally I'm not a fan of the genre for books, but I love zombie movies just as I love all horror films! "They're coming to get you Barabara."

  12. Oh man! This was just too funny! It made my day.

  13. I already have compiled a zombie apocalypse list. It is essential that you are prepared before hand. On this list I have people that would be most useful should zombies attack. Types listed below:
    Those with their own arsenal (quite a number actually, I do live in Arizona)
    Those with valuable skills such as blacksmiths, woodworkers, gunsmiths, archers, seamstresses (Amazing who you meet really)
    Those with valuable knowledge (strategists, survivalists, etc)
    Those that run slower then I do...

    And yes, I have people that fit all these descriptions in mind. :-)

  14. How'd I miss this one? Funny with scary cartoons. I was afraid to look, but afraid I'd miss something. Good article. I always find zombies...a little boring.


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