Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, May 30, 2011

S Is For Sacrifice

Just a note before getting started, to any of you who happen to be new to these blogs... this is part of a larger work, so you might want to go back to the beginning. Click on Sesame Street among the tags. It'll take you back to the beginning of all this. Oh, and the idea for the murder of the Little Red Menace? It was my brother's idea.

Startling Developments In World Crisis; Hunt Continues For Muppet Supervillain

The continuing global crisis surrounding the threat made by Muppet ultra-criminal Mr. Johnson, aka Fat Blue, has reached a strange turn of events. With two days remaining before his deadline and threat to destroy the world, his arch-enemy Grover emerged from hiding to make a formal statement to the press.

Johnson, the long suffering Muppet who was frequently paired with Grover in Sesame Street skits, was convicted of the murder of overexposed Muppet Elmo. His plane crashed across the border in Alberta, Canada some weeks ago, and he has been the subject of an ongoing hunt led by legendary Mountie Lars Ulrich ever since.

The world at large was shocked by a manifesto from Johnson, demanding Grover be killed, or he would bring about the destruction of the world through the use of death cannons. How a Muppet could get his hands on death cannons has yet to be explained.

Grover, who with his girlfriend has been in protective custody, returned to Sesame Street, reuniting briefly with his attorney, Kermit the Frog, who bravely fought in a court of law to exonerate Grover of the murder Johnson had set him up for. Longtime couple Bert and Ernie said their hellos to Grover, as did Oscar the Grouch, the Count, and Big Bird.

 Cookie Monster, however, was absent from the proceedings, as he and actor Jeff Bridges are busy developing a sequel to The Big Lebowski with the Coen Brothers, turning it into a buddy film featuring the Dude and the Cookie Monster.

"I have decided that I must give myself up," Grover told the assembled reporters as his long time friends looked on. "I cannot allow the world to suffer because Mr. Johnson hates me, sir." Nearby, his human girlfriend Karla wept softly while the blue Muppet went on. "So I will surrender my life. I will give my life to save the world, sir. It is the right thing to do."

The self sacrificing, noble gesture touched even the most jaded reporter. One Reuters correspondant asked, "Are you certain of this, Grover? How can anyone even be certain that Johnson is capable of destroying the world?"

"That is a risk I cannot take, sir," Grover solemnly declared. "To quote another great man who gave his life for a great cause, I regret that I have but one life to give for my country. Or my planet. If I must die, sir, then it is for the right cause, sir. And so tomorrow I shall surrender myself at six in the evening, sir, to be executed in accordance with the demands of Mr. Johnson. For tonight, I will have one last night with my beloved." And so, with that, the brave Muppet headed off with his girlfriend for a night of hot, passionate Muppet-on-woman lovin'.

In a semi-related story, actor Mike Myers was found wandering through the streets of Calgary this morning, his head shaved, wearing a costume that looked like his Doctor Evil attire from the Austin Powers movies, babbling on and on about an evil Muppet. He is currently in hospital, being assessed. His agent denied any rumor that the Muppets are being worked into the next film in the franchise, Austin Powers: Groovier Then Ever, Baby, Yeah!

In the Alberta foothills, the hunt for Johnson continues. Inspector Ulrich, heading up the manhunt, was approached by reporters cautiously for his comment. He is, after all, known for his deep dislike of entertainment reporters. The Inspector sighed before responding. "You know, becoming a martyr isn't the answer. I for one don't believe this Johnson has the capability of destroying the planet. He's out there somewhere, and I'm doing my best to find him."

Before reporters could press further, there was an additional arrival on the scene. Mary Hart, the former anchor of Entertainment Tonight, turned up at the detachment by limo, smiling and waving as she stepped out. She walked through the crowd of actual reporters with a camera crew, gushing and smiling yet again, until she stopped right in front of the Inspector. "Hi, Lars, I'm Mary Hart," she said in that typical far too bubbly way of hers.

"Yes, I unfortunately know who you are," the Inspector replied, seeming to grind his teeth. The Inspector has, of course, decked previous entertainment reporters, throttled them, or thrown them out of moving cars, though he doesn't seem the sort to do so to a woman.

"Lars, as you might know, I've recently retired as host of Entertainment Tonight after many years being at the top of the game, and being ever so famous. I mean, everyone in the world knows who I am. It can be really hard at times being famous, don't you think? Even more so when you're like me, the center of the universe and all. I mean, all that demand on time, all those members of our personal entourage hanging on our every word, all of those little people out there depending on us. It can be really trying. You know, it surprises me that in all the years you and Metallica have been out on the road, you never once came to give us an exclusive interview. I'm sure we could have fit you in between our constant updates on Tom Cruise, our endless justifications of Jennifer Aniston being America's Sweetheart, and our ongoing coverage of the Sandra Bullock and Paula Abdul blood feud. Oh, wait, we haven't managed to trigger that yet. Forget I said that. I suppose what I'm saying, Lars, is that it's a shame you guys haven't sat down to talk to one of our world famous journalists."

Ulrich stared at Hart. The silence went on. And on. And on some more. Finally he spoke, in a quiet, menacing tone. "First of all, Ms. Hart... just because you interview famous people does not make you famous."

"Don't be silly!" Hart said, oblivious. "Of course it does! And now that I'm retired and in the midst of my World Adulation Tour, I'm going to write my memoirs. I'm thinking of calling it Mary: Hart Of The Universe. Isn't that catchy?"

"Don't interrupt me," the Inspector insisted, his voice rising in irritation. "Second, for the last time... I'm not that Lars Ulrich! Do I really look like a metal musician?"

"Wait... you're saying you're not with Metallica?" For a moment,  the reporters wondered if an actual thought was going through her head. "Does that mean you've broken up the band?" So much for that possibility.

Ulrich sneered. "And third... I make it a personal policy not to hit women. So instead I'll have Constable Borden do it for me. Evangeline!"

Another Mountie came out of the detachment. She was dressed in the usual red serge uniform of the force, and she seemed to this reporter to be the sort who enjoyed physical violence. "Yes, Inspector?" she replied, sizing up the retired entertainment correspondant.

"Kick her ass," the Inspector ordered.

When last seen, Mary Hart was running for her life around a bend on a trail, a determined female Mountie at her heels. The Inspector seemed satisfied. And the world waited, breathless, as the demand of a supervillain seemed to be coming ever closer to being met....


  1. Finally--Mary Hart gets her ass kicked! Any chance Constable Borden could pay Oprah a visit?

    Poor Karla--if Grover sacrifices himself, where will that leave her?

    Jim Henson must be turning over in his grave...and over...and over...and over....hahahahaha!

  2. I see you've added your new profile photo--excellent!

  3. Yes, and it works beautifully. Thanks to Collin!

    Constable Borden had another name... but I'm much happier with this one for her. And I think Oprah wouldn't stand a chance against her.

  4. Good--dispatch her to the US immediately!

    Have you seen Karla's and Beth's blogs this morning?

  5. Nooooooo!!! We're going to have to break out the big guns for tonight's lovin. Sweetie, get the Tide and the rubber duckie, we're taking a bubble bath.

  6. This is just too funny. Maybe Johnson is going to use nerf cannons. They're easier to acquire.
    Poor Lars. They are attracted to him. This is great stuff.

  7. Oh no! This can't be the last one!!!

    BTW, I think Lars needs to change his name...

  8. "Yes, I unfortunately know who you are "
    Too perfect ! exactly what I think every time I see her.

    Norma ... great idea on having Constable Borden visit to Oprah. I hope soon we don't have to hear about Saint Oprah and her minions from hell anymore.
    blah blah blah blah.....

    cheers, parsnip

  9. Parsnip, we couldn't get that lucky.

  10. @Beth: maybe the Metallica Lars should change his name.


Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.