Incidentally, I could see Kyra Sedgwick playing this character...
Well, hello and greetings, all of you. I'm Mary Ducky, in case you didn't already know, and welcome to the first annual Mary Ducky Motivational Seminar.
Now, in case there are any of you who haven't yet paid your non refundable entry fees, my staff are circulating just to check and see. And just as an aside, two big guys named Milo and Brutus are waiting out back if you're trying to slip away without paying. That's a joke, by the way. Hah!
You know, I've been in this business a long time, and I've accomplished a great deal. And today I'm going to show you how you too can become a Mary Ducky Certified Financial Guru.* Oh, and by *, I must tell you the offer is not valid in the Virgin Islands and West Virginia. Don't ask, it's a really long story, and my attornies have advised me to skip over that entire unfortunate affair.
I've made a lot of money as I've gone along, and you can too. For a modest investment of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars today, I will see to it that you make a return on your money of four hundred percent by next month. That's a whole lot of bananas. And speaking of bananas, I'd really appreciate it if you just forget anything you might have heard about federal prosecutors talking about me and using that nasty term Ponzi scheme. I promise you, that was all a big misunderstanding, and it'll all be straightened out as soon as I can bribe the right judges and officials... oh. Did I say that out loud?
That was a joke, really.
You know, my family's been the subject of false charges and slander going back all the way to my great-great-great-great grandmother Mary Margaret Ducky, who was accused of pilfering the Donner Party Widows & Orphans Relief Fund. Well, you know, it was always said in our family that those widows and orphans didn't really need that money anyway. They'd managed to get through the winter living off the dead as it was.
Where was I? Oh, yes. The Mary Ducky Financial Scam... oh, sorry about that, must have been a Freudian slip. The Mary Ducky Financial Scheme... you know, come to think of it, even that sounds disreputable. How about this? The Mary Ducky Financial Protocol is a proven way of increasing your financial worth and wealth. For a further seven hundred and fifty thousand dollar investment today, you'll have access to me for a full week at a relaxing Caribbean resort. Imagine that! Some friendly financial seminars during the morning, swimming in the ocean in the afternoon, and fine dining and entertaining by the sea. And if that's not tempting enough, for one million five hundred thousand, you'll get a full month with me. Isn't that splendid?
I know, you've heard nasty rumors about me, and I'm here to deny everything. Any rumors of me being Bernard Madoff's silent partner are lies, vicious slander spread by my competitors. I'm the most trustworthy financial consultant since the days of Stickyfingers Lonergan. Oh... maybe I shouldn't have used his nickname. Ignore that last remark. In fact, let's just reverse course to my mentioning the million five hundred thousand that you'll be paying me for a whole month of my sage advice and counsel.
You know, when you're as financially adept as I am, you realize there's a point in life when you want to give back. When you want to help society advance itself. I've talked to many a senior citizen to get them to sign over their pension in trust to me about what sacrifice really means. And you know, as I've got their money in my hands, I just get so... so, well, the best way to describe it is almost as if I'm... being pleasured. Come to think of it, it's possible for money to give you an orgasm. I know I've had them more then a few times thanks to that lovely, lovely scent of greenbacks... Just me and the money, baby... that's all I need to go to my happy place.
Oh, maybe that's too personal for me to say. Well, in that case... what? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm just hearing from my staff that those nasty SEC people have arrived and want to talk to me. You know, you engage in what some people would call insider trading and fraudulent investing a time or two, and... did I say that out loud?
At any rate, I'll be right back. Just as soon as I can. I'd really appreciate it if you'd delay those nasty SEC agents. That would be just peachy. It's all a big misunderstanding, that's all.
Oh, and while you've been sitting here, my staff has managed to access your financial records and cleaned you out.
Did I say that out loud?