A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is time for Her Supreme Grace the cat to have her say.

7:21 AM. Waking up at home. Taking a big stretch. Sounds of the staff upstairs getting herself ready for the day. Now then, this being a weekend, that means she’s at home and can thus cater to my every whim as needed. So much the better. I expect belly rubs.

7:23 AM. A look out the front windows. Light snow. Early this year. I expect that might mean we’ll have a long winter. The staff, for whatever reason, will be filling bird feeders all season long, which will give me plenty of chances to gaze out at flying lunches. 

7:27 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. Well, there you are, staff. I don’t know what you’ve been doing, but I’ve been busily expecting breakfast in the six very long minutes since I woke up. Now don’t you dare disappoint me.

7:31 AM. Settling down to breakfast. Milk and tuna suit me nicely. For whatever reason, the staff persists in putting down a bowl of field rations as well. I shall ignore that to my heart’s content.

7:36 AM. Demanding that the door be open. I feel like getting a breath of fresh air, staff, but rest assured, I won’t be going far, so don’t get any ideas about going out and running errands, is that understood? First, I do not want to be locked outside for hours on end. Second, I expect you to spend the day spoiling me rotten and catering to my whims. So do we have an understanding here or what?

7:41 AM. Sitting out on the deck, surveying the vastness of my domain. All is well in my world. Which, unfortunately, is often when something goes horribly wrong, like that annoying mutt startling me, or a surprise visit to the vet, or those idiot relations of my staff showing up uninvited.

7:44 AM. I can hear the distant barking of that irritating hound off somewhere. Perhaps chasing his tail, as dogs are given to do. I really don’t understand dogs. They are a peculiar and perplexing bundle of weirdness. I suppose it’s possible they think the same thing about us.

7:55 AM. Listening to the dog’s continued barking. Much more irritated, much less happy in tone. Which probably means he’s just had a near encounter with a squirrel, which must be laughing at him right this minute. I’d bet catnip on it.

7:58 AM. Continuing to listen to the frantic barks of that irritating hound. Musing on the animosity dogs have towards squirrels. Well, if you hunted them stealthily as opposed to running straight at them and barking your bloody heads off, you might actually catch one, but no, that never occurs to you, does it?

8:05 AM. The dog continues to bark in the distance. Obviously hasn’t given up yet. If you ask me, and of course you are asking me, dogs are so rarely capable of wisdom. Oh, there are rarities, such as that other dog in the area. At least he shows deference and respects my boundaries. Though I have no idea why he thinks Spike, Tormentor of Squirrels, is a good title to carry around in the world.

8:09 AM. The barking has quieted down. Perhaps the annoying mutt has finally given up. 

8:12 AM. Up on the window sill, meowing incessantly, demanding to be let back in. Staff! Open the back door, this instant!

8:13 AM. The staff finally gets around to opening my door and letting me in. I deliver a head bonk to the legs to express my approval.

8:37 AM. Settling down for a nap. One can never have too many naps in a day, right?

11:41 AM. Waking up from my nap. Feeling rather peckish. Well, it is getting near lunch.

11:43 AM. Irritated to discover that my staff has left the premises somehow without my waking up, let alone without my express permission. As I am feeling hungry, I hesitantly settle the matter by eating some of those field rations.

1:27 PM. Staring out the front windows. Waiting on the staff’s return. Brooding. Brooding. And brooding some more.

1:35 PM. I can hear the sounds of that annoying mutt barking again in the distance. From the direction, it sounds like he’s at home, and he’s very annoyed. I’d be annoyed if I were a dog too, but for me to be  a dog, it would mean I’d taken a terrible tumble from my rightful place in the world as a supreme being. Namely a cat.

1:44 PM. The dog is still barking. Careful, or you’ll use up your daily quota of barks.

2:03 PM. The staff finally comes home, bearing grocery bags. It’s about time, staff, and I might say that it is very bad manners of you to sneak out without telling me, or getting my permission to leave. That said, you’re back, so we have one important matter to settle. Did you get anything for me? 

2:06 PM. Up on the kitchen table, inspecting grocery bags while the staff puts things away. Wait a minute. Why on earth did you buy kale?

6:07 PM. Supervising the staff while she makes dinner. For some reason she’s cutting up that kale. Just as long as she doesn’t expect me to eat it. Honestly, that’s rabbit food, staff. Humans can be such perplexing life forms at times. And by at times, I mean... pretty much all the time.

6:29 PM. Dinner with the staff. She’s having that kale nonsense with her steak. I am contenting myself with strips of steak. Being generous and a benevolent higher life form, I have decided she can have all the kale she wants. Besides, as we all know, steak rules, kale doesn’t make you drool. Or something like that.

6:55 PM. Keeping an eye on the staff while she does dishes. One must watch humans very closely, after all. Even if it’s just to annoy them by making them think you’re plotting something diabolical. Even when you’re not.

8:03 PM. Pondering the great mysteries of life. What came first? The cat or the purr?

11:33 PM. The staff is off to bed. Keep the door open for me, is that understood? I fully expect to be jumping up on you at three in the morning, and don’t want to be inconvenienced by a closed door. 

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time once again for the point of view of the resident canine and feline, starting, as always, from the perspective of the dog...

7:22 AM. Waking up. Dreamed of chasing squirrels. As usual, the devious bastards got away.

7:26 AM. Looking out the front windows. Snow falling. It looks so lovely, though for some reason not everyone loves snow. I don’t know why, really, I don’t. How can you not love snow? Now then, it’s a weekend day, isn’t it? So that means there’s no sign of the evil mailman today. What do letter carriers do on the weekend? Hang out with vets and plot all sorts of evil acts against dog-kind?

7:30 AM. The human comes downstairs. Hello, human! How about some breakfast?

7:33 AM. Wolfing down a big bowl of kibbles. Yum yum yum!

7:37 AM. Human! How about letting me out for a run?

7:38 AM. Out the door for my morning run. See you later, human! 

7:44 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head off, happy as I can be.

7:53 AM. Trotting through the woods. Spotting movement off to the left. Is that.... yes, it is! It’s that despicable squirrel!

7:54 AM. Stalking quietly. The vile squirrel hasn’t seen me yet. So close, oh so close. Okay, Loki, patience, patience... be ready to spring at a moment’s notice, and finally get my paws on that despicable critter...

7:55 AM. Barking my head off. Despite my attempt to be quiet, the squirrel managed to hear me and flee up a tree. He’s up there right now, taunting me and tormenting me and laughing his devious butt off. I’m circling around the tree, barking up a storm, staring up at him. Get down here!

8:03 AM. Continuing to circle the tree and bark, while that annoying squirrel chatters away up above. No sign of the little bastard coming down anytime soon...

8:08 AM. Okay, that’s enough. Obviously the despicable cretin isn’t coming down. I’m done here. Barked up a storm all for nothing, just barely missed nabbing that squirrel, I’ve had enough. One more glare up at the squirrel. One of these days, you overgrown rodent, one of these days... your luck is going to run out. And I’ll be there. You hear me? I’ll be there.

8:23 AM. Returning home. Barking to alert the human to my presence.

8:24 AM. The human intercepts me before I can step inside, and subjects me to the Towel of Torment. Come on, human, there’s not that much snow clinging to my fur. I can dry off naturally by the fireplace.

8:27 AM. Circling around three times by the fireplace before settling down. Time for a nap, I think.

11:58 AM. Waking up. Slept well. Would have slept better if I’d only had the chance to finish off that evil squirrel. If you ask me, and of course you are asking me, they’re up to something. Something awful. It’s the sort of something that might be world domination awful. Okay, enough of that line of thought. I see I’m awake in time for lunch, which of course is absolutely vital for any good doggie this time of day.

12:11 PM. Have successfully mooched a dinner roll from the human. Yum yum yum!

1:27 PM. Staring out the window at more snow falling. Looks like this could be one of those long winters some people seem to dislike. I don’t know why, I mean, who doesn’t like to go out and run and jump and play in the snow? Except vets. Vets are evil.

1:31 PM. Movement spotted out on the lawn. Hey, wait a minute... it’s that very same despicable squirrel. Right here. Right now. And he’s eyeing the bird feeders, as if he’s thinking of a raid on the bird seed. Human! You must let me out this instant! I’ve got a second chance to get that squirrel once and for all, and I won’t pass it up!

1:34 PM. After much protests and demands on my part, the human has finally opened the door. I bolt straight out, barking my head off. The squirrel starts sprinting for his miserable life. Hey! Get back here, you! 

1:35 PM. Foiled again! The little bastard has made it up a tree on the property and is busy chattering away at me! Oh, you bastard! You hear me? You’re a bastard! Bastard bastard bastard bastard! And one of these days, I’m gonna get you!

1:52 PM. The human calls me back in. I glare up at my hated enemy and bark viciously. Keep laughing, you cretin. But I’ll get the last laugh. You hear me????

1:55 PM. Subjected once more to the unwanted attentions of the Towel of Torment. Human! If only you’d opened that door ten seconds faster. I’d have had him. Honestly, I would. And now he’s going to run off and tell his little squirrel friends that he thwarted me, and they’re all going to launch Operation Squirrel Domination. When you’re forced to work in their acorn mines, you’ll remember this day.

6:28 PM. Dinner with the human. Blueberry and bacon pancakes suit me nicely.

8:37 PM. Lying on my back in the living room. The human is reading a book. I am engaged in the perpetual philosophical debate with myself: did Neanderthals have dogs?

11:44 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human! Do keep the door open for me, just in case I want to come on up at three in the morning and lick your face. In the meantime, I’ll be down here, guarding the house in between naps. Just in case that despicable squirrel thinks of breaking in and raiding the pantry.

An Inferno Of Conspiracies

"Dante's Inferno isn't fiction. It's a prophecy." ~ Robert Langdon

“There is a switch. If you throw it, half the people on Earth will die, but if you don’t, in 100 years, the human race will be extinct. You are humanity’s final hope.” ~ Bertrand Zobrist

"Professor, you are having visions, aren't you?" ~ The Provost

"You won't be able to trust your own thoughts for awhile." ~ Sienna Brooks

“The greatest sins in human history were committed in the name of love.” ~ Robert Langdon

Conspiracies and chases through breathtaking Old World architecture abound as Tom Hanks and director Ron Howard return for Inferno, another adaptation of a Dan Brown novel. Following in the footsteps of The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons, which featured troublesome authority figures, dark conspiracies, hidden truths contained in art, and an overly curious and knowledgeable American professional, the film returns to Europe for a country hopping exercise in preposterousness and high stakes poker. Well, not the poker, just the high stakes.

Having had taken a hand in deciphering Leonardo's great secrets and saving the Vatican in previous film outings, Robert Langdon (Hanks) finds himself waking up in an Italian hospital with no idea how he got there, and suffering of a head graze. The attending doctor, Sienna Brooks (Felicity Jones) informs him he was shot, which has affected his short term memory. Before he has time to even adjust, a woman (Ana Ularu) turns up armed and ready to kill. The two flee, following a trail that starts with an oddity among Langdon’s personal belongings that points the way to the works of Dante, a conspiracy that has global implications, a villain who’s gone and killed himself even before the first act starts, and shadowy forces whose agenda seems murky at best.

This is the third Robert Langdon outing in film, though the character has appeared in four books now, each time as the proverbial Smartest Man In The Room, able to figure out cryptic mysteries long hidden away in art, books, or aged documents. Dan Brown has made a bloody fortune off the character, who’s proven to be exceedingly popular since the second book of the series, The Da Vinci Code, became a runaway bestseller. That book and Angels & Demons got film adaptations from Howard and Hanks, though the third book in the series, The Lost Symbol, got passed over in favour of this most recent book, which follows the characters from Florence and Venice in Italy to its finale in Istanbul, Turkey. It’s been seven years since we last saw Hanks in the leading role.

David Koepp, who has many screenwriting credits, as well as directing credits to his name, previously co-wrote Angels & Demons as an adaptation, so this is his second time around with Langdon. The adaptation makes some significant departures from the source novel, particularly in the second half, telling a tale of a biological weapon and a madman who thinks he’s doing the right thing for the world- even if there’s some sense to the root cause, what with overpopulation being a real issue. Unlike the previous books and films, which stressed old secrets hidden away by secret societies in various odd places, this story has a more contemporary thread in its conspiracy, even if it makes use of old creative outlets and artistic sensibilities.

The preposterousness that’s standard to a Dan Brown plot is there, of course, along with the plot holes. Also returning are some of the standard Brown operating procedures: shifting allegiances, authority figures who might be on the side of the right or wrong, the highly intelligent young female counterpart to Langdon, and the broad conspiracy theories. The formula might seem a bit well worn by now, what with having had seen it already play out before. The pacing of the film itself seems rather frantic, and deeply convoluted at times. Of the three films, this one doesn’t work as well as its predecessors (particularly Angels & Demons), perhaps because of that frantic, convoluted pace, and because it’s following already familiar territory. And I found myself a bit irritated by the villain’s entire plan- why not just release the damned virus instead of going through this whole elaborate, grandly staged scheme? The notion ends up coming across rather like a Bond villain- only there, you expect that sort of grandiosity out of the villains.

Howard filmed on location, some of that being in Florence and Venice, but also on sets in Hungary, substituting perhaps for Turkey, which, let’s face it, isn’t exactly friendly territory for filming these days. He’s already well familiar with the world of Robert Langdon, the incessantly curious academic with a tendency to find himself wrapped up in mysteries and hidden secrets; the films mark his only actual film franchise, since his directing work has usually been self contained stories. He films at times both in the frantic chase style that the story requires, but also like he’s doing a travelogue, looking at places you’d love to get a look at yourself- if not for the fact that his characters are being chased by one dangerous lunatic or another. He does what he can with what he’s got- Inferno as a source material isn’t quite up to the entertainment reading value of the first two Brown novels- and ends up bringing out a film that’s at least a capable, if not quite as satisfying, follow up.

The cast are well chosen. Ben Foster appears only briefly as the villain, playing Zobrist as a man who entirely believes in himself and his cause, and damn the consequences. There’s something inherently dangerous, charismatic, and unhinged in the man, but he believes he is absolutely right, and that his path is the only path to follow. It reminds one of a cult leader, without the cult. Omar Sy appears as Christoph Bouchard, an official who turns up as the story goes along, and ends up playing to the what's his real agenda aspect of most of the characters in the film.

Ana Ularu is a Romanian actress, and she finds herself following in the footsteps of Paul Bettany and Nikolaj Lie Kaas before her, playing the profoundly dangerous henchman, the immediate threat to the protagonist. She certainly impresses in that job, as the actress conveys a thoroughly ruthless, efficient energy to the performance, coming across as a credible threat on screen.

Irrfan Khan is best known to audiences in India as an actor, but he’s done some work in Hollywood, including last year’s Jurassic World. Here he plays a character nicknamed The Provost, the head of a private security concern whose allegiances shift as the story goes along, from working on behalf of a client to coming to grips with the fact that his client is a monster. It makes for a rather interesting take on the character, less clinical than the character was in the book.

Sidse Babett Knudsen is a Danish actress, playing a pivotal role for the film, Elizabeth Sinskey, head of the World Health Organization (though we must wonder why the WHO has officials who run around with weapons). The character is desperately racing against time to contain a crisis, and like others in the film, we are left to wonder for a time at her own agenda. The character is an interesting one, with some history with Langdon, and the actress gives the character a sense of gravity and resolve as she goes along.

This is only the third project I’ve seen Felicity Jones in. She had a blink and you’ll miss it appearance in The Amazing Spider-Man 2, and appeared in Julie Taymor’s adaptation of The Tempest (which I absolutely hated- honestly, Shakespeare should come back from the grave and sue her for that). The actress appears next in the Star Wars one-off tale Rogue One next month. Here she plays the highly intelligent young partner by circumstance of Professor Langdon, but she too has her own secrets, which take her in different directions from the character’s place in the books. She certainly conveys the intelligence of the character in just the right way.

Tom Hanks returns once more as Professor Langdon. He brings to film the sense of curiosity and intelligence so integral to the character, which is a good thing. Langdon is a wellspring of information and arcane knowledge, and here he finds himself in a situation where his memory, one of his greatest gifts, isn’t quite reliable, which gives him a reason to be shaken up. He’s also shaken up by the stakes of the story, which go rather beyond what has come before. Langdon’s curiosity, even in the face of danger, does make him an interesting character, and Hanks plays to that. Being an already established character helps (as does being played by Hanks)- we’re generally already on his side and sympathetic to him. Hanks does have that history of playing characters we can at least empathize with; though personally I will never, ever, ever empathize with Forrest Gump, a character I would rather see wiped out of existence for all time.... did I mention I hate double infinity hate Forrest Gump? Fortunately this character is a world away from that loathsome irritant, and while he seems decidedly perplexed by the situation he’s in, it’s good to see him again.

Inferno doesn’t measure up to its predecessors in the series. For me, Angels & Demons with its high stakes and countdown to an awful thing happening tone works best as a film. This adaptation, with its plot holes, is treading ground we’ve already seen before, and does tend to be rather frantic and convoluted as things go along. Still, as long as you ignore the plot holes, the film works well enough, giving us another Langdon caper that also serves as something of a travelogue.

A travelogue, mind you, with bullets and deadly bio weapons.